Why I Sin

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From a very early age, perhaps even from the first days I had lived on this earth, I had always known that I would be a sinner. I was fortunate in many ways; my parents were together, our financial situation was always stable, and I had been given every material possession I had wanted. But these were mere components to my life; we were more different then seen.

I have never been a religious fanatic which has always been a vague difference between my family and me; I was more of the opposite, a complete disbeliever of such things. However, as any person with a trace of moral obligation would recognize, I have acknowledged sins. Instead of defining sins as something God would have disapproved of, I define sins as an act that the person performing it would disapprove. Precisely, a sin is a decision that a person makes that goes against their moral objections. Every day I commit a sin and I have realized that the starting of these actions come from the roots of my worries.

I will try to stress this with being somewhat confidential for the sake of my family’s embarrassment; I did not have the easiest childhood. Money is not the core center for happiness. Something or maybe a combination of those things had made me the way I am today; a sinner. I sin for every mistake I have made, to cover up with layers of foundation and desperately trying to conceal these foolish choices, but make-up never stays on forever. I sin for every lost moment and every regretted word, I sin for every tear that I have seen and for every tear that has yet to come. I have sinned and will continue to sin unwillingly and regrettably for the very reason of avoiding an argument or hiding from a fight, and after every sinful action I will always, after every time, have a more impacted hurtful consequence then I would have before. I sin for every time a guy has used me and let their piggish lustful actions take over themselves for the worse, I sin for every time my heart has been torn. I sin for every unnecessary lecture, for every dreadful hateful speech that my parents have gladly bestowed upon my ears. I sin for every fight that my parents have ever gotten into; I sin for every time my parents have thrown me in the middle. I sin for my early childhood, the anguish filled strikes and the empty rooms. I sin for what I have done, I sin for every trap I have fallen into, every naïve oblivious mistake that I hadn’t thought over, and for every drop of innocence I have recklessly given away.
I have tried to prevail over my rash ways, ignoring the bad and clutching onto the good, but it seems to make things worse. What is honesty and commitment if it just turns into anguish? If I were to be good, I would be vulnerable and weak; people would toss me around and disrespect me with nothing to say but insults. They think that if you have a sincere heart that you’re the push-over but in reality, the weak ones are the people that can’t deal with the pain. I have given into the pressure and I have after every time been thrown back into my old ways of sinning.

My sins are my solace, they are my cure, so fulfilling yet they’ll make me crash. There are so many reasons why I sin, there are so many mislead feelings and confused thoughts that lead me to do these things. But I think out of everything buzzing in my head, all of the jumbled up words, I sin for the sake of ridding myself of loneliness. One more time and maybe it’ll go away, it does, for minutes, maybe hours, and then it comes back, but worse. And again I will do it; it’s my anti-drug, even though sometimes it feels like it might be worse than one. I sin to make myself complete, to make myself feel wanted for awhile. Unfortunately no real concrete relationship is based off of sins.

I sin with a persistent trend, the arrows consistently point to my weak mind. Suffering is man’s inevitable fate, being only human, I sin to avoid such things, too weak to take the consequences, I sin for my mentality’s sake. Fortunately I have never had a sociopathic outlook on life, physical violence has not once occurred by my own hand. But I sin in other ways, maybe more hurtful then any bloodshed could ever do. I am aware of the tyrannies I commit, my treason against my significant other, my manipulative lie-filled stories to the few who care. When broken down to the most miniscule tiniest facts, I sin wholly for the one reason of preserving my disguise. Maybe I’m ashamed of the things I’ve done or the things people have done to me. I sin for acceptance, to keep my cloak on, to hide the things I’ve experienced. If people knew the whole story they would leave me to my own despair, people don’t want to deal with a mess. The shameful facts and numbers are endless, an endless bottomless pit that never ceases to be buried that continues to get deeper. That’s what my sins are now; they’re just piles of facts with detached emotion. I can talk about these things with such ease; with no feelings attached, I have more passion about such insignificant things that I learn on a daily basis then these things. The real emotion is under the carpet now, secretively brushed under and to be kept there.

I will always remember the feelings of pure anguish, the fearful acts of rage. I will always remember the feelings of being victimized, the disgusting terrorizing memories of a sick mind. But later, the proof of karma is displayed and now this has all been cleared, isolation from the sickened and therapy for the scars. Yet this can only do so much, I sin for the seconds that I may forget, I sin for the comfort.

Sinning is an unavoidable act that originates from a person’s unfulfilled way of living. Every sinner has a different story and different feelings, but they all have four things in common on different grounds and different levels. Which are:
1.
Envy: Jealousy can overcome a person’s own justified morals. The envious green monster has been consistently proved to be active in not only humans but in animals. It’s a natural but true tragedy that overpowers the great and leads to destruction.
2.
To Find Acceptance: Acceptance is the crown jewel of any person’s wanting. Such a powerful factor can completely mold a person for the better or worse in hope of approval from their fellow peers.
3.
Retaliation: Revenge quarrels in stomachs with any good intentions. A person can never battle such a beast with ease. Shakespeare has not written a number of plays on it for nothing.
4.
Desire: In a tragic world, happiness almost seems unachievable to some. Although a sin is poison for the soul, the comfort it may periodically give is priceless to some. From material to abstract possessions, the desire is broken down for the gift of happiness.
Humanity is a decaying competing species; each contestant struggles to keep their place in this rat race. A single unique factor is never enough, a weighted report card with a combination of marks. That piece of printed paper is what will define us, without straight A’s there’s nothing but disappointment. The economy is falling and the world is medicated. We are simply worn out blooms now, shriveled fallen blooms watching our own decay. There is no beauty in failure. I sin to see the beauty I have so long been deprived of, for all these reasons: acceptance, happiness, love… We all do it, and the modern solution to achieve such things comes in the form of pills. I sin with the world, I sin as I go against my ideals and views, I sin when I refuse to compete. Can I even define my personal aspirations anymore or is what I strive for completely dependent on this race? I sin because I want a solution, and sometimes, in the midst of my act, things make sense. I think irrationally when I sin, everything seems like a blur and it’s almost as if I’m a different person. When I go against my morals, I don’t feel the same, I don’t remember things the same and I can’t control anything, but it gives me comfort and it gives me answers. My best friends scowl at me and give me long lectures, still trying to change me even though they have both acknowledged that I will not change. They ask me why I can’t just stop and use my common sense, I wish I could give them the answer why I can’t but I’ve always been this way. I try to change and I always will, hopefully, maybe one day I’ll be different. But my sinning makes me oblivious and I like the way it makes me feel, like I understand things and know everything. Things make sense and even though it’s just for a few seconds, I’d give up almost anything for that feeling.





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