Peoples Is Peoples.

October 26, 2008
The amount of people in Florida is astounding considering the spastic rain showers, suffocating humidity, and overpriced soft drinks. Such things would keep me away from this state, and yet people gravitate to it. The attraction is undeniably theme parks and the beaches, two admirable qualities of Florida that cannot be overlooked. But it's exactly these two sites that cause the strangest humans to emerge. In just one week, I have encountered these people and, unfortuantely, had to interact with them. And they have left me with one resounding thought echoing through my mind: I am not a big fan of people.

1. THE BEAUTIES: There are a handful or two of people who buy into the renewing qualities of Botox. And I pity them. It's kind of like a car wreck or a man in lederhosen- you just can't look away. Those may have been lips before but now I'm not quite sure. And I feel bad for staring but they're so confident in their newly "rejuvenated" features that they took my gawking as a compliment. Age should really just take its course.

2. THE SIGHTSEERS: Alright, you are on a mission: you get to ride one more coaster in the Magic Kingdom before the park closes and you're making a beeline for Space Mountain. You're power- walking, you're on your way when BAM , your path stops abruptly. The cause of this sudden conflict? The one guy who forgets he is not alone on this earth and decides to stop in the middle of the beaten path to look at something shiny, read a map, or perhaps scratch a mosquito bite (holding up the sixteen people behind him who would actually like to get somewhere). Oblivious to his surroundings or the grumbling of those behind, he continues to stand in the way and gawk at his distraction, delaying the objectives of those around. Thank you Mr. Sightseer. Thank you.

3. THE STROLLERS: Disney World is a family destination, I understand that. Kids will obviously be a dominant feature at that place. And about half these kids cannot walk the length of their day in the parks, thus introducing the downfall of mankind: strollers. Bulky and cumbersome, these devices barrel through the crowded walkways manned by parents who are trying to get to Adventureland while entertaining three children, talking on their cell phone and eating a churro. Their attention is directed on everything EXCEPT watching where they are going. You better watch where you're going because a stroller could appear out of nowhere, knocking you from your feet and shoving you closer to your demise. They're big, they're blue... and they're out to get you.

4. THE LITTLE ANGELS: Well, of course they look adorable. A little girl in a Cinderella outfit with her hair done and her face touched with glitter. A three year- old boy dressed as Jack Sparrow decked out in all the pirate garb available. They smile sweetly and look up at you with big, blue eyes and innocent little faces and you think, well, that's just the cutest thing I have ever seen. Yeah... about that. The seemingly well- behaved tykes turn into monsters when their wishes are not granted on time. All hell breaks loose as their faces screw up, their fists clench, and a sound straight from a horror film emits from theirs mouths in terrifying volume. Screams for their overwhelming desire for a Mickey- shaped popsicle or a Princess balloon disrupt the easygoing atmosphere of your vacation as you marvel at the intense fury of such small people. The parents scramble to grant their wishes, and peace is quickly restored when their demands are rectified. Now to clean up the damage of their atom- bomb tantrum.

5. THE REPELLORS: Around 12:30 in the afternoon, when the sun is high and its warmth becomes rather uncomfortable, people start to perspire. At this moment, they emerge. Those who deny deodorant, who don't condone cologne, who refuse perfume. Their stench is unmistakable, no other horror can compare to the monster known as... body odor. They may be very nice people, they all could have lovely personalities. But I will never find out because I cannot breathe when I am around them.

6. THE BUTTERFINGERS: The day has started and you're at the turnstile ready to enter to park. Your ticket's in your hand and all you have to do is put it in the machine and walk through the turnstile. All you have to do. And yet, the task becomes an overwhelming challenge for the person in front of you who seems to be trying to shove a Kit Kat wrapper through the ticket slot. Every attempt to insert the ticket is tried and ended in failure for the next seven minutes. And all the while you stand there. And stand there. And. Stand. There.

7. THE LURKER: Ah, a forty minute wait for Splash Mountain. No matter, it's worth it to you. You get in line and wait your turn. But while in line, your personal space is suddenly violently invaded by the antsy person behind you. He forcefully pushes into your back, steps on the backs of your shoes, brushes up against you. You can feel his breath on your neck and shoulders as you pray for the line to move, for goodness sake, MOVE. For the next forty minutes you stay alert for any inappropriate contact to your person and try to ignore the unmistakable feeling that he is examining your hair for dead ends. Unfortunately, the only way to avoid a lurker is to attach spikes onto your backpack. Disney recently has banned such an action.

Now, not all theme park- goers are these obnoxious folk. Just a handful really, nothing too bad. But they are really unavoidable. The best you can do is chin up and pretend they don't get to you. Best of luck.

Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback