Fear

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It’s six in the morning, and I can't sleep anymore. I've been trying to sleep for the past week, but I can't. Fear is keeping me awake. Today I go to the hospital again, to get my MRI. I’m wondering if I have to get surgery, and to be honest, I’m scared to death. but I think my biggest problem is that I'm letting fear control me.

A while ago, I decided not to let fear control my life, because then I would miss all the opportunities life had to offer. Especially with the windmills. I know you're thinking, 'what is she talking about?' But, the story is simple. My brother, his girlfriend, and I went out the our campsite and watched the windmills from the streets. I kept thinking how incredible they looked, from so far away. On our way home, we decided to drive up to one of the windmills. We drove up to one which was stopped, and I could hardly believe my eyes. The windmill was miraculous, and larger than anything I had ever seen. I could barely breathe, but I wanted to go to the bottom of the windmill, and look up to the sky. When I got to the side of the windmill, I knew it could crush me. I watched the clouds above the windmill and closed my eyes. I was terrified. The windmill could at anytime, completely crush me. That was the moment I decided that I wouldn’t be afraid anymore. I wanted to stand there knowing that there was unknown qualities, but be strong and not afraid. I stood there that night, with people I loved, blown away by the world. I will always remember how exciting and spontaneous that night was.

Through the people in my life, I have stopped worrying so much about the unknown and started to live my life, the best I can. I stopped second guessing and stopped trying to control things that couldn't be controlled. The "unknown" has always been a problem with me. I worry about what I cannot see, and what I do not know. I worry about what is to come, which are things I cannot control. I can sit here and wish to know things which I don’t, but it wont happen. I cannot control that. I use to think that by not controlling things, I could get hurt. But, I’ve decided that the constant worrying is not worth it. My dad has always said "control is an illusion." His quote makes me think, that control and fear go hand in hand. Honestly, I know that fear may be a part of life, it gives us nerves and butterflies in our stomachs, but it does not control our lives and every aspect of the world. Fear goes as far as we let it, and if we continue allowing fear in our lives, then our hard work is worthless. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that the world is full of unknown mysteries and uncontrollable adventures, but you have to find a way through them. You have to tell yourself that fear is not tangible, and it will not destroy you.

I’ve fought all throughout my life, for things to be better. And now, I'm backtracking. I don't want to be the type of person who attempts to control the world, because complete control is impossible. There will always be something i'm unaware of, but I have to keep going and try to help. When the night seems scary and when fear floods into my veins, I have hope. I remember love. That's all I need to make my worries disappear. Because in a corrupt world where fear may strike you at anytime, the answer is simple. We are real, fear is not.





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