Two weeks ago, my 14-year-old sister was raped.

“Hannah” had been walking with a “friend,” who we'll call Adam. They were talking through some of the tough times he had been having, when he made a decision that would change both their lives: he decided that his wishes were more important than hers, and he sexually assaulted her.

The worst part of this is not that she has to worry for the next few weeks that she might be pregnant. The worst part is not that she'll need to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases – including HIV – every three months for the next two to three years. The worst is not the fact that if we go to court, Hannah will have to face a jury of strangers and tell them – in graphic detail – how Adam violated her, reliving the trauma over and over. The worst isn't even that she told me when she was raped, she didn't understand why it had happened, because she didn't think she was pretty enough for anyone to want to have sex with her.

Even though these effects of the rape will haunt my family for the rest of our lives, they are not the worst part. The worst part has been the reactions of those we have told: when Adam's mother asked us not to be angry at him, because he had been going through tough times; or when Hannah confided
in her best friend who asked, “What were you wearing?”

These reactions stunned my family and me. My sister has had a traumatic experience that will affect her forever, and the people around us are justifying her attacker's actions – as if a bad day or the wrong outfit could excuse what he did.

It does not matter what is happening in your life. Rain or shine, good grades or bad, happy family or not – rape is never, ever okay. There is no excuse for rape, no “she was asking for it,” no giving a warning or a strike or a note on a record. Rape – including statutory rape – is a felony, and there are no second chances. If someone says no to sex and then is forced to have sex, that is rape.

Hannah was wearing her band uniform – but why is that important? If she had been wearing a short skirt or if her bra strap had been showing, would that change anything? Would that make her “no” any less meaningful?

I see stories all the time about high school girls who were raped by boys they knew. The newspapers talk about how the boys won't be able to play football anymore, that they lost friends when they were arrested, that their future will be impacted. But what about the victims? Why are we sympathizing with the rapists rather than those they attacked?

Instead of implicitly or explicitly telling rape victims it was their fault, we need to show them we are on their side, that we understand how badly they have been hurt, that we will fight to defend them against those who say that they lied or deserved it.

My sister should not have to grow up in a world where people call her a slut for being raped at 14, or say that she should feel bad because she ruined her attacker's life, or claim that she must have been asking for it. She should not have to face any of those things – and neither should any of the other men, women, and children who have been victims of rape.

We need to support these victims, and we need to stop justifying rape.