I think part of being happy means you do have to have love for other people. An unselfish love. One that means that you would do what's best for them not only what benefits you. I could go all of my life doing things that are best for me but I don't think I would wanna be around someone who only thought of himself. Someone who only thinks of themselves could screw you over because its in there best interest and I wouldn't wanna be friends with someone like that so why would anyone else? I think that to truly be happy you have to be unselfish and if that means you get hurt sometimes so be it. Loving someone or being friends with someone doesn't mean you just hangout with them because you’re bored or lonely. It means being there for them when they are bored and lonely. I don't think I have been a very good friend. I think the reason I'm lonely and unhappy is because I don't fit in anywhere. I don't have people I have truly unselfishly loved and been there for without wanting something in return. I try to do everything I can to make myself and my future self happiness, but what's the point of doing good in school and coming home to do homework every day and writing all weekend if I am still unhappy? From day one this has been the high school plan; Do what makes you happy because you live your life not anyone elses. But I think I'm wrong because every time I leave a social event I leave so empty. When everyone around me has just finished the best night of his or her life and I go home alone. I go home and I scream and I wonder why everyone around me is so happy and I can't be. I have never had the best night of my life. I have walls around me built so high I am not even sure if the tallest ladder could reach over them. I think my walls have built a roof because I don't see the sunshine like everyone else. I hope this roof is easy to blow down maybe its made of straw or maybe i'm bricked in and doomed to be unhappy forever because I never let anyone in. Others let me in there fragile walls and each and every time I broke them down so that they would have to build them back again stronger this time. Maybe in the back of my head I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought everyone should be like me because even if I gave away all my secrets no one could ever hurt me with them. No one could ever hurt me. And the only reason people ever hurt is because of what other people did wrong right? Wrong. I have hurt myself more then anyone could ever hurt me. Maybe there is some truth to religion but instead of us fighting away the devil, its deep inside of us. We are our own worst enemy. No one will ever hurt us as much as we hurt ourselves. There is no real individualism. Because no matter what, we need each other to survive physically and more so, mentally. What a world we live in where we pick between the words I and we. We do not go to school and make good money. I do. And yet I will never be able to enjoy these things without belonging to something. I will never know what it is to be happy without others. What can I become in a world full of we’s. What is there for someone who worked so hard to be an individual and depend on no one to suddenly want to be a we. How can I or anyone be an individual in a world full of individuals. To be individual is to be your own person. But if we are all our own person who really is the individual. Who can be a happy individual. Because I know it is not me. I wish I were a we.
I Wish I Were a We
June 11, 2013