Ramblings of a Restless Mind

May 31, 2013
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The time on the clock shows 2 A.M. I’m wide awake, and have no notion of sleep at any time soon. My mind is racing and there are a million images going in and out of it, all at the same time. It’s one of those nights when I almost feel like I could do anything and nothing all at the same time. It’s one of those nights when I feel like there’s so much to be done, and yet nothing for me to do. All I do is sit here, looking out the window and trying to catch on to one of the memories flying by.

I start thinking about things that I’ve lost, and things that I’ve gained. I think about all the things in my life that were a little more negative, but then a positive thought counters everything else. It’s impossible to tell anyone how I’m feeling because even I don’t know. All I can do is write, and try to make sense of what’s going on inside my head.

Anyone I talk to either loves me and wants to spend more time with me, or hates me and never wants to see me again. More people tend to subscribe to the latter state of mind, but there are a few that follow the former mentality as well. I’m just that kind of person. Love or hate, enjoy or detest. There really isn’t anything about me that’s particularly special or unique. When it comes down to it, I’m really just a normal guy. I might have my quirks, sure, but it’s nothing that a normal person wouldn’t have. Well, there is the problem of my brain being way too full of thoughts all at one time, but people don’t usually see that. That’s just something inside of my own head.

It’s nights like these that I feel like I could write a song. Then I remember that I have no musical talent whatsoever and there’s no way I could write a song. Besides, I don’t have my guitar with me, and if I did, it would be too loud and I would get yelled at for even trying to make music at this time of night. Why is it so strange to someone that I would want to do something right now? Sure it’s late, but I don’t understand why the clock defines when we do things. It merely tells us when we are doing things. It doesn’t tell us when we should be doing things.

It all just comes back to what society is telling us. My thoughts all come back to that, and everything we do comes back to that. It’s a common theme amongst my thoughts and wanderings, and I’m sure that it’s also a popular topic with lots of other people. We all want to know what our place is, where we fit in, and what we’re supposed to do. But that’s all considering that there’s some kind of system already in place. The fact of the matter is that there is, but the question becomes whether you want to join it or not? Do you want to go into society’s system, or do you want to stay out of it, an individual mind? Sure, it means you’re an outcast but is that really a bad thing? We treat it like it is, because society tells us to. Do you, as an individual, think that being your own person is a bad thing though? I doubt it.

It’s only what people tell us. We accept it, for whatever reason. It’s time we stopped. But that’s just a thought in my head. I look around at the blackness but there are still lights. There may be one person doing one thing on one side of the city, and someone doing something completely different a few miles away in a completely opposite area. My thoughts are the same way. There’s one, and I can focus and think about it briefly, but there’s always something more waiting to move in and take the first thought’s place. It becomes hard to sleep because I still have more thoughts to think, more ideas waiting in line to come through.

I decide that I can do what I want, and pick up my guitar. I strum a few chords and wish I could do more. I always think that. I always want to do more, but I feel stuck where I am. I want to figure out who I am, and I want to stop being stuck. I have no idea how I would do that. When I look out the window and see everything in front of me, it all seems so huge, and if I’m completely honest, it’s terrifying. I want to know what’s out there, and at the same time, I really think I’d be better off not knowing. I want to see what’s ahead, but I don’t want to spend so much time looking ahead that I miss what’s right in front of me.

People keep asking me what I want to do and what I expect to be, and the only response I can give them is that I want to be happy. I don’t know about careers, and I don’t know about my future. I want to go somewhere, and do something. I want to be somebody. But that’s all I know. There’s nothing else in my future right now. It’s not that I can’t do anything. It’s just that there are too many things I can do and it seems impossible to know right now.

When there are this many thoughts going through your head, it becomes hard to write. It becomes hard to be organized. There’s no way to know what I might see on the screen next because nothing is planned. I might very well be crazy. I really don’t know of any other logical explanation. Of course, I am not a very logical person and I don’t follow the normal rules of logic. I just do what I want, and what I feel is right. It’s a strange way to live, and people often think of you as someone that doesn’t fit in, but there’s a point where that’s okay.

I think about how my life used to be, and I start wanting it back. I think about how much easier it was. I could just spend time with my best friend and forget about the real world for a few hours. It’s so much harder to do that now. I’ve been shown the real world, and all of its problems. I understand my fears and the things that make life hard. It seems impossible to go on sometimes. The person I used to go to at times like this is gone now. Who do you go to when your support system is gone? How do you get back to normal, if normal has been taken from you? It’s hard not to start crying as I think about how life might have been. In a way, I’m glad I know more about the world I’m living in, and in another way, I just want to go back to not knowing. Sometimes, although knowledge is power, it is also pain.

There are people that have witnessed far worse things than me. There are situations worse than mine, but when I sit and look out at a city fast asleep, it’s difficult not to wonder what it would be like to be behind one of the many doors I see, or living in one of the other houses, with a different life. Would I still be who I am today? Would I still affect people the way I do now? Or would I be something completely different? It’s impossible to tell. I wish I could know. There are some things in life that are impossible to know, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still want to learn more about them.
I glance down at the Batman wristband that I wear, to this day; even long after everything has died down. More tears come to my eyes and I fight to hold them back because I know what might happen if I go back to that place. I know what might happen if I hold the image of my best friend in my head. I know that I might become sad and depressed again, and I don’t want to be. I’ve done so well and managed to stay okay for so many days, I don’t want to go back to being in that bad place again. Then again, it’s impossible not to.
It’s just part of being human. It’s part of these rambling, disorganized thoughts. It’s part of not knowing, and knowing too much at the same time. I look back at everything I just wrote in a frenzied blur of typing. Everything I see on the page is exactly what went through my head and it is frightening and shocking to see my thoughts in physical form.

Everything normally moves past so insanely fast that there’s no way to know what’s going on. If you can find a way to represent your thoughts, maybe it makes it a little easier, but there’s still no real way of knowing. Everything is still just a jumble, and nothing is in any kind of order. It’s all just insanity. Sadness is just a memory, and a thought. So is happiness. These two things seem to go oddly hand in hand in my mind. It’s hard to have one without the other. I have no idea if this is normal or not. I stopped understanding the meaning of normal a long time ago. Now it’s just my thoughts and me. Wherever they happen to take me. There’s no way that I can’t follow them. At least I might learn something along the way.

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