What do you do when everything you've worked for you're whole life, what you thought was so damn important, turns out to mean nothing, when what you've worked so hard to hide turns out to be not a big deal atoll, are you supposed to feal grateful, that you can now let you're guard down? But what about all that time you spent on it? And because of that insecurity you've tried to fit in for so long, tried to laugh when you wanted to cry, walk when you needed to run, scream when you needed to laugh, when you're whole life you've worked to be something your not just because you're not that. And you want to be that because there's obviously something wrong with the way you are, so you must change to the way you think every one else is. But then you find out there all just like you and you're not different. Then you and try and try to be different, but that doesn't work. So you try a new direction, you just try to be more mature try to act like you're older and cooler when you're not, because you're not like all the other girls, you're different, and then it all blows up, all this has been going on behind closed doors, no one has seen it, it's a bomb, that's gonna explode when x amount of weight is placed on it. So what do u do? You place more and more weight on it just to see if it'll explode, and then of course it does and then you break. You can't stop shaking, you want to cry, but what's the use? You're so cold, and you're beyond depression, and you feal angry and sad and dead n u don't care, all at the same time, everything is a game, and you lost, you rolled the dice one too many times, and you lost. Except there's no get out jail free card, you're stuck, the keys are lost and you have no idea were to look to find them, so you search and search but you cant find them no matter what because you're stuck in side you're monopoly jail cell, the jail cell you built. You'd like more then any thing to be able to blame some one, some one other then your self. But you know you can't, because you know you built this jail you know it was made with you're own 2 hands. You placed the weight on the bomb, and you made it explode. You didn't think that it would, and if it did, what would it matter? You'll be fine, you can handle any thing. Then you realize you can't, and you're just too far gone, drowning in emotion, choking on you're despair, and on tears you cant cry , because you never let you're self cry over anything that ment anything real. You only let your self try for what doesn't matter. Because if it matters and you miss then what? Then you'll have to be depressed. Then you'll have to think, bout what you did wrong, and you just can't do that. You can't think. You need a distraction, music, books, friends, anything but thinking. So in reality you've always been in a jail cell, a jail cell of thinking because no matter how much you try to avoid it you end up thinking. You end up having to resolve what's wrong in the end. In the end every thing comes out, even though you try so hard to keep it closed down, and locked in that nice little box you made especially for this, it pops open n everything just pops out like a jack in the box. Except there's no spring to bring it back when it's done bouncing around, then you tell your self "Next time, next time I wont do this I'll keep it in better". But of course you don't and it doesn't work. It pops again, and again, and again, until that point when you break because you can't learn. You think you're learning because each time you try it you do something different but really you're not learning if you were learning, really learning you'd realize that you can't do this, you can't do this any more. And the more you try the more you're gonna pop. And the more weight you place on this bomb it's going to get closer to exploding. And when it does explode, you explode with it. You're gone, it's blown you so far that you're some where in outer space, drifting away quickly freezing because of the cold air. You're oxygen tank is running low. The pressure just too much, you're going to explode, run out of air, and freeze all at the same time. You only have a few seconds left to figure out what to do. And then, then, u realize what u should've done this whole time...Nothing.
The Break Down
August 1, 2008