How to make a Terrorist

April 30, 2008
By Adam Zaky, Medford, OR

Are you engaged within a personal vendetta, mass genocide, or even religious persecution? My friend sounds like you need a terrorist. Just your luck for my special AMZ price of $19.95 I am going to show you how to birth your very own terrorist.

The first thing that you are going to do is preheat your oven to about 105 degrees Fahrenheit, to encourage further growth and toughness. Unlike bacteria or even viruses, terrorists have a reputation of surviving all sorts of eradication attempts ensuring that your satisfaction is guaranteed.

Once you have preheated the oven, retrieve your mixing bowl and spoon. Now dump in poverty and enjoy the ride. Poverty is the main key, without it nothing would come to be. This is because of two reasons, the first one being that if you are rich and in a good position in life there is no need to do anything radical; second is due to disparity. Once the human mind becomes clouded because they are so desperate they can be easily persuaded with what they need; and consequently do what ever you want. Take the Nazi regime for example. Due to the injustices of the Versailles Treaty following Germany’s defeat in WWI; Germany was left in utter economic ruin and poverty. This gave Hitler an open door to power with his promise of glory to the Aryan empire. His dream of glory would have worked; however, he was an idiot.

Now that you have incorporated poverty in to the mix, now add a swig of extremism, and the party really starts. Extremism is that spark within a terrorist that overrides his common sense and consequently justifies what they are attempting to do (i.e. car bomb, suicide bomb, and public beheadings). While in the meantime driving them further and further off the cliffs of insanity. Why else would a man blow up himself and a bus full of kids? Unfortunately that is the reality of the world we live in. It also shows the weakness of mankind and how malleable they become when people are pushed deeper and deeper in to poverty. Meanwhile someone with an unknown agenda offers them the generic terms of salvation, enlightenment, or honor and glory.

The next final ingredient within terrorists is oppression. There are many flavors of oppression. Some with chocolate chips, some involving government, or even the high quality packs with nougat. Oppression adds another reason for the terrorist to fight. Not to mention further justifying there cause. However, oppression can be a doubled sided sword. It not only supports the corrupt and evil; it is also able to support the courageous and just. This brings up the conflict between terrorist and freedom fighter. Regrettably there is no magical detector that separates the two, and this causes a moral conflict between these people. However, you also have to look at there own point of view. You have to ask yourself “Why are they doing this?”, “What do they have to gain?”

Congratulations, you have now created your terrorist. Your next task is to discriminate on how you are going to use your new creation. Our latest tool of terror; the car bomb is available and for an extra $5 added to the original asking price you will receive the instructions for it. But wait there is more, because for a limited time you will receive not one, but two sets of these brilliant “tools” to strike fear in to your enemy. However, how you use your creations is up to you.

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