A Suggestion for Living a More Cultured Life

There are some things you never know you need until you see them and then you wonder how you could have possibly survived all these years on this planet without them.
As a point, in the early 1900s, a majority of Americans didn’t even know they needed shelter until the Sears catalog showed up on their streets advertising “Kit Houses” ready for purchase and assembly. There was in influx of people moving into the developing suburbs and taking up a lifestyle they didn’t even realize they needed until those catalogs rolled around.
And lucky for us, advertising is still going strong to inform us of our needs. Much like the cookie-cutter houses, this product I am about to share with you will revolutionize America…and the world. The Sears catalog was limited by where it could be delivered, but, in this digital age, the internet shows unbridled potential for the proliferation of this product: the Japanese-made “Noodle Eater Hair Guard.” Some things just can’t be made up, folks.
The Noodle Eater Hair Guard is kind of like a Frisbee with a hole in the center for your face, made out of a bendable rubber material. No need for a ponytail holder, just slip this baby round your face and the large fan-like round will keep your hair from falling into your favorite bowl of ramen.
Now, I’m no regular noodle eater, but this just seems fantastic! Fashion meets functionality! Why not make yourself look like a beauty-queen while eating!? I mean, I know I look like one anyway, while slurping up noodles and broth only to have it splatter on my face and hair. It’s time to go the extra mile and wear the Noodle Eater Hair Guard. Now you can eat Japanese food AND look like their flag all while keeping your hair clean.
But why stop there? Protecting your hair and making your face look like a giant red circle is cool, but there is so much untapped potential. With the abundance of brilliant minds on our planet, and the abundance of resources to make such important inventions, why not go the whole way? I’m not just talking about a Noodle Eater Hair Guard, I’m talking about a Noodle Eater Body Suit. Could you imagine the surreal experience of swimming past dumplings and veggies as you slurp up the Egg Drop Sea? And, get this, all without getting your hair, or body, dirty. Now that is a product people need, and with advertising we can let them know it.
Of course, there are some drawbacks to this great invention. First of all, a rubber suit would not be so comfortable to wear, and second, it might result in an influx of noodle related deaths. “We are sad to report that there has been another Somen Suicide when a young Kentucky resident decided the noodles were too much for her.” But every great era in history has had challenges to overcome, and I believe that the Noodle Eater Hair Guard will pave the way for our continued path from barbarism to civilized society.
There will be some people who protest the change, the switch from merely tying up their hair to wearing a disk around their face. But they should know they are only trying to fight against the natural order of things. People bought houses because they needed them. Oh sure, they could make do with caves and hovels in the ground, but suburbia was so much better. People can survive with just a scrunchy looped around their locks, but this Hair Guard beckons a new age, an age of self-discovery and culture. Though of course, you might want to wait until the second date before revealing just how cultured you really are.





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