Gay, Lesbian, Homosexual?

February 18, 2008
By
I am a homosexual teen.
Right now there are people out there that believe it’s “cool.” Maybe they are just trying to get attention. But, I know I am gay, homosexual, a lesbian, or whatever you want to call it.
Like going through the stages of death, you also go through stages of accepting homosexuality. As in death, you deny and isolate yourself. You deny your sexuality and claim to be straight. Hiding or isolating yourself from others, believing they may know. In this stage, I was scared and so self-conscious. I thought everyone who looked at me knew. I started avoiding people and became withdrawn. I hung out with my friends, but I wasn’t really there, just existing in denial.
Then the denial turns to anger; you lash out at others and even yourself. You are angry and believe you’re being wronged. I blamed God because He created all humans, and in the Bible it’s wrong, so why would He create a human with a sin for her life? I began cutting, trying to get the anger out. To bleed out the homosexuality! I became frustrated at my friends. They didn’t understand. They thought I wanted attention. Then someone told me that yes in the Bible it is wrong, but God also added that if anyone were to wrong or judge the homosexuals that they would be punished. I realized that God didn’t make a mistake, that I had some sort of purpose.
The anger does turn into bargaining. You start thinking that you like both, that you’re just in the middle, trying to hold on to what most people want, to what was taught growing up. I tried saying that I’m just Bisexual, but I still felt hallow; I didn’t feel right, didn’t feel like me. I decided I needed to figure it out.
Depression sinks in, and you start to wonder how or what to tell your parents or family and how your friends or family, more importantly, will react. You imagine it to be the worst knowing you’re tearing someone’s heart out. I didn’t tell my parents; they found out through my journal. My mom wanted to kill me or lock me up for the rest of my life. I knew my parents would be enraged. By this point, I was seeing a school psychiatrist. He helped me. I stopped cutting, and my parents and I settled on the fact I was just confused.
Finally there’s acceptance, where you know you are gay and you know that this is how you are and that you can’t change. So you agree with yourself and realize it’s okay. It is so nice knowing that you can finally be at peace with yourself, that you know who you are. I still don’t show it as best as I can. I want people to know, but at the same time I don’t. I do because then people will see me for who I am, but I don’t because people might just see me for what I am. People I trust at school do know, as does everyone I work with. My sexuality has cost me a job and many “friends,” but in the end, I’ve gained so much more than I’ve ever lost.
I am a proud homosexual teen.





Join the Discussion

This article has 11 comments. Post your own now!

purplenerd15 said...
Dec. 4, 2012 at 5:41 pm
I  SO  here you!!! Im a lesbian and feel like this too. I came out to my famliy and Best Friend, but i don't know how to tell anyone else...
 
ChristyimaBridesmaid said...
Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:36 pm
Wow!  I love this article.  I am a proud Bi teen and i'm not afraid to admit it.  Although I have been teased quite a bit about it, I have no regrets this is who I am.  Keep on writing!  XD
 
S.T.S CrazyBaby519 said...
Oct. 15, 2010 at 8:40 am
Well i like this im in the same way i just need a good friend to tawk to about it tht's all
 
LinzyWoh said...
Sept. 4, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Wow. This article really spoke to me. I am a bit confused myself and have been cutting and writing in journals for the last few months. There is nothing wrong with being homosexual and I think you should stick to what you feel is you.
 
AmandaLee143 said...
Sept. 30, 2009 at 9:18 pm
i related to this so much.
you did a really good job ! (:
 
Chrissy_L said...
Sept. 7, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Mercedes, don't believe for a second that this is a problem! Society really is the one with an issue. Why can't people just accept each other?
To anyone against gay unions, answer me this: What harm could a gay lifestyle possibly do?!
I'm glad to hear that you're proud of who you are!
 
Tasogare This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 17, 2009 at 10:57 pm
And you know what?

I still can't help feeling that homosexuality is something that would be so much easier to accept in oneself if society didn't have such, er, strong opinions on it.

A person's sexual orientation doesn't matter that much. It's a defining part of who they are, yes, but I really think it's rather trivial. Like dealing with a friend who happens to like a genre of music you can't put up with. It's nothing big.

Alright, ... (more »)
 
CutiePie said...
Apr. 7, 2009 at 12:15 am
congrads for accepting who you really are. People don't really understand how difficult it is to go through such a big change in life. You go gurl!
 
naomid said...
Nov. 20, 2008 at 11:11 pm
It takes courage to step in a direction different from everyone else. Good for you. We all hold out hope that someday there will be more acceptance in the world
 
dreamsdreamsdreams said...
Nov. 18, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Kudos. It's hard to admit that you're gay as a teen, especially when you live in Arkansas. I live in Vermont, and being gay is much more acceptable here (the first ever civil union happened in my town.) But even here, it takes courage to admit it. You should be proud of yourself. What's with the commenter below me, though? Why is a gay atheist any different than a straight atheist? It isn't sad if someone doesn't believe in God..maybe it's sad to you, but people should be able to believe ... (more »)
 
artofthedeath said...
Nov. 2, 2008 at 2:38 pm
I think you are right. You didn't have to hear that from me though: You know you're right. I myself am straight, and that's all I want to be, but for a time there I thought I might of been gay. But I'm not. But i understand you. I see where you are coming from. You must serve some purpose. I don't know what it would be, maybe to let people know that you shouldn't judge; But, only God knows now, right? And I am glad that you still believe in God. Many homesexual people I know have no beliefs. And... (more »)
 
bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback