So you want to be an ocean swimmer, eh? Well, let me tell you, swimming in the northern Atlantic Ocean in the early summer month of June is an intricate process; you need to be prepared. There are rules and steps to this procedure that need to be followed precisely. Failing to do so will result in a miserable experience. Take it from the expert and follow these four simple steps. You are guaranteed a satisfying ocean swimming experience, or your money back.


Step Number One: purchase a durable bathing suit. The ocean is extremely powerful and will rip your flimsy two-piece bikini or skimpy Speedo right off of your body. Without mercy. The ocean does not judge its swimmers but will not hesitate to remove an inadequate bathing suit, no matter who is wearing it. Although durable bathing suits may not be the most attractive, you must remember it is not the ocean or its waves you are trying to impress. You, my friend, are attempting the opposite. You are challenging the waves.


Step Number Two: enter slowly. Imagine jumping into a pool of ice cubes; it’s not a pleasant experience. You have to grow accustomed to the frigid water. Start at the point where the ocean water kisses the soft pebbles of the sand. Slowly walk towards the water. Feel the water with your left big toe, balancing on your right foot. You may stick out your arms to achieve balance, if you must. Once you have determined the intensity of the temperature, you may cautiously tip-toe up to your ankles. Your feet will begin to tingle, this sensation will increase and once it begins to feel painful (this is a good sign) all feeling in your feet will vanish. Congratulations! You have achieved numbness, the only way to survive the ocean water in June. Repeat these simple steps, emerging yourself in the water about ten inches each interval.


Step Number Three: ride the waves. You must have a keen eye. A wave that looks large in the distance may not be able to carry all of its energy to break at the beach. Do not be fooled by these tricksters. Now, when the crest of the wave is one arms length away, turn around and face the beach. Kick. If timed perfectly, the wave will break over your stomach sending you effortlessly to the shore. Move your arms in a circular motion, hands out in front. This will keep you above the wave, so as not to have your stomach scraped by the hundreds of sharp shells on the ocean floor.


Step Number Four: get out. Once your fingers are pruned raisins and the color of your skin is the shade of periwinkle blue, you should retreat to the soft sand of the beach. However, do not be fooled, the temperature of the sand and the water are on extreme opposites of the thermometer. Step quickly. Run, if you must, to the safety of your towel, but refrain from immediately lying down. You must inspect the surface. If there is but one grain of sand, take you towel to a secluded area. Shake. Nobody wants sand on their skin, down their bathing suits and in their sandwiches.


Breath in the warmth of the sun, and watch as the water evaporates from your wet skin, leaving trails of dried salt. Give yourself a pat on the back, not many can accomplish such a tiring and specific act. You are an expert. Now, if you ever see a helpless person in the water, help them. If you ever see someone make a mad dash to the ocean, stop them. If you ever see someone jumping aimlessly in the waves, correct them. But don’t blame them, or look down on their inferiority. Remember, you were once a novice in the department of swimming in the northern Atlantic Ocean during the early summer months of June.