What's In My Mind.

August 2, 2011
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: i guess the only thing you can do once you lose everything is to replace it all or find something better. kind of how when buildings get torn down, completely destroyed, they're built up again. sometimes construction workers come and re-build what was there all over again, or they put something even better in place of what once was. i sometimes see life as something awful, something so ugly and i feel unwanted by everyone. but maybe sometimes the people i feel unwanted by are people i shouldn't be around in the first place.

: i met a boy last year and he was the most beautiful boy i'd ever met in my entire life. some girls will say that boys can only make you feel so much, but men, men are the ones that you fall in love with. i can say i actually was in love for the first time in my entire life, with a boy, and it hurts to lose the person you love. i never understood what love was, i always lusted and convinced myself it was love to make myself feel better and wanted. this time it was love and it was something i never felt in my entire life. maybe i was wrong to let myself fall in love with a boy, but i guess when you're so young you need to experience it all step by step. the boy comes and then the man. i know in my heart deep down that this was an experience to get me prepared for what's to come. i know it's coming and i have to be patient. like alice says, "being told to be patient is very good advice, but the waiting makes me curious". i think that's what always gets to me, the curiosity. i keep pushing and pushing a relationship because i want it to be completely there already, instead of letting it grow over time. me, i get curious about what's gonna happen along the way while i wait. i think that someone's gonna interfere and i think nothing will happen in the end, so i give up eventually. i get scared and i can't be patient. i feel so unwanted, i think that if i don't hurry up they'll meet someone better and realize what a waste of time i am. i need to practice on my patience.

: i went to the beach the other day at around 12am and along the beach there are a crap load of bars. i went to the beach to stare at the ocean and sit on the sand and love what life has to offer me. all i see are skinny blonde girls walking down the street with guys and i just feel like i want to cry. i think about the future and how any guy i like will leave me or not like me because of those girls. then i think about how ugly the world is becoming that i have to go to the beach and see skinny drunk blonde girls being ***** and leaving a bar with a bunch guys, i'm at the beach. so at this point i'm feeling even worse. i feel very bad about myself. i know i'm not like that and i think i'll be forever alone. i always think about myself being forever alone. i'm always the other girl, not the girl. it hurts to know you're not special enough. it's like i'm second choice, always. when i think of love, i see it as a movie. i'm a hopeless romantic and i cry all the time from the feeling of loneliness. the reason i get depressed, the reason i get mad at the world, the reason i used to hurt myself and tried to kill myself was over complete loneliness. when people leave you and discard you from their life, it's an ugly feeling. when you try to repair and convince yourself that it's okay, you feel even worse because you know you're lying to yourself.

: we meet other people in life as well, that we let get us down. i let people get to me so bad. i really don't like when someone dislikes me and i don't know why. i think and think and think about it until i end up disliking the person as well. i've met some people in my life that i never really liked being around. i've had some friends that have backstabbed me and have been completely fake to me.

: i had a friend who was like a brother and i thought i'd never lose him. he started fading away slowly and turning his back on me, i just felt it. i felt completely empty inside knowing he'd be completely gone sooner or later. now that he is, i can't really explain how i feel. i feel like i lost a family member. i thought he'd always be there for me no matter what, but i think i knew him for a reason. you have people in your life and they go away for a reason. the feeling you get once they're gone is there for a reason. i never had a real friend before in my life. i don't have a friend right now that i've known for a long period of time that i know i can count on, i've lost them all. maybe god does these things to me because he's teaching me, he's putting me through all these trials, these life lessons and i don't even realize it. i just think it's all bad, when really god sees it as all right, he see's his plan going smoothly and he laughs at my sadness because he already knows the outcome, that i'm gonna be happy after all this. it's all for a reason.

: after i tried to kill myself, i felt completely full and happy, only after awhile to realize that i didn't really feel that. i actually feel like i did before, completely empty inside and like i want to be dead. whenever i think of dying all i think of, really, is my music. if i'm dead, i can't listen to music or feel it or go to a show. i feel like the only thing i have left in the world for me is music and writing. i have no talents, i can't play an instrument or sing, i can't draw, but i know i'm meant to do something amazing in this world. i have alot of issues that i need to solve and when i listen to music i feel the music going into one ear and all my emotions coming out the other. i feel at peace and i feel love. i listen to ben gibbard's lyrics and i feel completely loved. transatlanticism, that song, that album, it really changed my life. i feel like there's someone out there who knows exactly what i'm feeling, so they wrote it down on a paper and sang it for me, knowing it would make me feel amazing and indescribable. when i think about it, i think if he can write me a beautiful song, i can write something to make a girl like me, who feels just like i do, feel the way i feel when i have my headphones in. i know what it feels like and i want to make people feel like i do when i hear beautiful music. i want everyone to feel loved and know that everything is gonna be okay.

: sometimes i cant even convince myself that it's gonna be okay, i can't even help myself. i write and write and say things to inspire and motivate people to be happy, when really i'm just a sad lonely girl. my father tells me i care about people more than i care about myself and that it makes me a beautiful person, but i need to worry about myself for once. the truth is, all i want to do in life is try and make people happy. i want people to see what a sad lonely girl i am and i want to show them the hope i have inside, and maybe one day they'll be happy with themselves. i can say i hate everyone in the world, like i constantly do, but that's me. i dislike alot of human beings, alot of people have no hearts and i hate the people with no hearts. they're the people that make me, and alot of other people the way they are, sad, lonely, and hurt. no matter what anyone says about me, i know i have a heart. i feel like my purpose on earth is to give everyone hope so that way they don't hurt themselves, they don't feel worthless and they don't wish they were dead because the littlest things in life can give you the biggest reasons to stay alive.

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