Is my family broken? When I think we are happy, something always happens- as if there is no permanent happiness. We don’t grow closer, we take steps apart, to stay in the same place. Afraid to lose each other, we send the other away. I think I’m too tired for this, it’s been ages since we were a real family… since we were innocent. But it’s gone now, and there are so many scars that will never heal, and gaping wounds that we are to proud to doctor. Is it so wrong to please? Mom and Dad don’t understand- they think I’m gullible or something, like I don’t know when I’m being used, but I do. They think that I can’t stand up for myself, since I rarely choose to fight. I’m too loyal, or too forgiving… and sometimes they say it’s a bad thing, and other times they say it’s good. Either way I don’t care. Other people can spend all their lives fighting, and righting wrongs done to them; they can grow prideful, and superior. Me? I’d rather let it go, live and move on. Maybe that isn’t the honorable thing- but if I’m going to fight, I’m going to fight to make someone smile not just to make myself happy. I look around me, and everything I see is painted black, and I am the darkest of all. Everyone is so strange, so angry and for what? We have this certain amount of time to live, and we waste it by fighting amongst ourselves. Humanity is so wrong and twisted, I am ashamed to be a part of it, all we ever think about is superiority, sex, and pride. I’m not exactly optimistic or anything, I know it’s impossible; but I wish I could go across the sea and not be labeled as an ‘American’, but as a citizen of the earth. It's the same about this whole world, and of my own family. I wish instead of having to be 'Switzerland' as my parents and brother fight, I wish I could be a part of the family, apart of the anti-fight that doesn't exist.
November 4, 2009