Die as hard as you Live

July 6, 2009
By Faeriedustygirl GOLD, Manhattan, Kansas
Faeriedustygirl GOLD, Manhattan, Kansas
15 articles 0 photos 2 comments

I guess I'm just one of those die hard girls.

You know, the one that just won't stop or slow down. No matter what you tell them or what's happened. I can't give up. Even if you give up on me.

I'm also one of those girls who picks up the tiniest hint. Like the way someone breathes and I can tell they're lieing. But I can't get the most obvious things. Like when someone says, "Goodbye" I just don't get the part were its over.

Because it never is.

Maybe it's because I'm just one of those girls. You know, the kind that just won't stop.

I'm also one of those girls who doesn't want to be self centered, but is smart enough to realize what I am. Views of me vary, but its not like they matter. I'm also smart enough to look around and see that everyone thinks in their own mind, yet we damn eachother for it. When someone does something that benefits them best, it's wrong. But who else do you have to look out for if not yourself?
Anyone you've ever cared about is part of you.
So its not like you're only thinking about number one, you're thinking about you and your situation. Which is what you're supposed to do, right?

Once I was told I was smart, but not smart enough to really go anywhere with it, but just smart enough that I felt uncomfortable around "normal people." As if there is an extreme intelligence factor to being and feeling normal.
But the sad part about that? She was right.
Not like I go around to the average joe on the street and ask, "Do you think I'm smarter than you? Do you think it matters? Do you think itelligence a major contributing factor to fitting into a society? Do you think that less intelligent people have an easier life?" Not like it would matter any way.

I guess I'm one of those girl's who's too hard headed just to shut up and fit in.

Obviously so. Any time I see that group of girls, I pity them. They all look the same. Even the pieces of their outfits could be exchanged and it would still fit together somehow. I pity them because they aren't different. They dislike me because I am. So the daily question is, "Is it worth it not the fit in? Is it worth it to change?" Sure. sometimes it is.

Most of the time its not.

Of course one of the oldest things in the book is, "If you ahve to change yourself for someone to like you, you shouldn't hangout with them anyway." And sure, it works. Sometimes.

But is it worth it to try to be different?

And I forgot to mention. I'm one of those people who likes to think.

Well, not likes necesarily. Just ends up doing it.

Analyzing everything, everyone. Myself.

People say I'm critical, and I usually answer Yeah. I can be a hardass. But if you think I'm bad on other people, who do you think I view myself?
I see myself sometimes as a failure because I'm not what I could be.
But then I feel guilty because I like who I am, even though its not the or my best. Is it wrong to like being good enough, or am I truly expected to surge for the absolute best... that I can't have?

I guess most sane people want the best they can reach and try for it. But when they miss, they either give up and settle for lower expectation or strive even harder and harder until they get it, lower their expectations, or die.

Is it wrong to avoid failure by realize what is and isn't possible?

I don't know. And sometimes that scares me.

Have you ever wondered why? About everything? I'm sure on a few things, but is your brain circuted so close that its a constant? All ways searching for meaning? In the littlest things, you find it sometimes.
Like when someone says, "I mean it." Do you wonder if they're just trying to persuade you to believe them or are they trying to persuade you to believe them because they actually mean it. You know by the way they say it, their facial expression, just their words. You can tell if someone's lieing.

Here's a hint. When someone appologizes, they use the word "I'm sorry" usually more than once and explain themselves and how they realized they were wrong.

When someone doesn't give a rats ass, they say I'm sorry and make excuses and use faulty reasoning on why they were in the right or even words as simple as "extremely" and "actually." Those words are acusatory and show a false demand of emotions.

But some people don't realize that. They take for granted that people mean everything they say, or that everyone is a liar. Some people don't realize how they aid the jaded.

I'm usually the one who has to be the one to "fix" them. It's hard. They don't trust you at first, they're paranoid, and then they don't believe you at all and go off to discover first hand that what I said was truth.
Sometimes they don't come back.

It's hard to be the one whose always there; static. The world is such a dynamic place, people change just as much as they stay the same. And when you try not to change, you find that you've already rearranged...Someone always needs you the way you were before, and you can't go back no amtter how much you want to and how hard you try.

The only way to fix it is to make actions, not trying to erase what's happened.

I guess I'm just one of those girl's who's too hard headed to change intentionally, to let myself evolve because I feel that so many people need me as I am, not as I could be. Sometimes they don't even realize they need me.

It's always a surprise when they discover they need you, but don't have a place for you. It's maddening. You go insane wondering. If you're a girl like me anyway. This is usually when you realize you need them just as bad.

I guess its rather stupid to depend so heavily on one person or two, or even a group of people. What happens when they're gone? What happens when they can't be there for you? What happens if you can't return the same? Lord knows how many times I've needed someone so bad, but when someone needed me I wasn't there, even with all the times I was that one time made me feel so small. I wanted to disapear.

Perhaps I'm one of those girls who cares too much.
Perhaps I'm one of those girls whose too stubborn to stop.
Maybe I'm not like most girls, and people love me and hate me for it every day.

Maybe I feel the same way.

I guess being "one of those girls" yet not being anything like them has its punishments and rewards.

I just hope you're one of those rewards.

I hope you're just another die hard person who won't give up.

The author's comments:
Love who you are, and be proud of yourself.

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