Well, Clarence Thomas has been confirmed. By the time these words are printed, he will have been sworn in as an associate justice of the Supreme Court of the United States. Aside from all the hoopla of the sexual harassment issue is the fact that Thomas is not the best qualified judge for the job. In fact, he may not even be the best Thomas. Here, then, is a list of Thomases who President Bush should have considered for the job:
1. Isiah Thomas, point guard for the Detroit Pistons. Would be a cool performer under the immense pressure of the Supreme Court. Would like to represent his country after being snubbed by the U.S. Olympic basketball team. However, questions about his ability to get along with his teammates would hamper his chances, as well as his public kissing of Magic Johnson during the NBA finals, which could be seen as sexual harassment by the Senate.
2. Tommy, character in The Who's famous rock opera. With this Pinball Wizard, justice would be deaf and dumb, as well as blind.
3. Tom Selleck, actor. He needs the work.
4. Tom Glavine, pitcher for the Atlanta Braves. Definitely a leftist thinker. Supreme Court nomination would have capped a Cy Young season. Best of all, he would bring the "Tomahawk Chop" to the stodgy Supreme Court. Just imagine Sandra Day O'Connor chanting "Oh-Oh-Oh, Oh-Oh-Oh, Oh-Oh-Oh ..."
5. Mr. Thomas, of Thomas' English Muffins. Public sentiment would surely be on his side, for he is the quintessential American success story. I'm sure you've seen the commercials. Came to America with nothing but a recipe for English muffins, which are slabs of dry, bland bread with bizarre things called "nooks" and "crannies" on it. What these "nooks" and "crannies" are made of is uncertain, but he's made millions off it. We can only assume they've been approved by the Food and Drug Administration.
6. C. Thomas Howell, actor. See Tom Selleck. (But whatever you do, do not see any of his movies.)
7. Thomas Jefferson, former president. Granted he's dead, but I'm willing to wager that he has more active brain cells than Dan Quayle.
8. Tommy Vu, entrepreneur. A virtual Horatio Alger story. You know, the guy with the TV show on Channel 25 after "American Gladiators." Barely able to speak English, he made a fortune with no money down. Just imagine his legal briefs: "I made lotta money. Many bootiful wo-men. Just listen to Tommy Vu."
9. Tom Cat, from the "Tom and Jerry" cartoons. Resourceful and resilient, he takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'. However chances would be hurt by former colleague Jerry and his charges of sexual harassment.
10. Mike Tyson, boxer. Strictly speaking he's not a "Thomas," but talk about sexual harassment. n
This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.