Andy Rooney. Now there's a man who has thoughts so important he shares them with millions of people ifor five minutes out of 60 on television.
"Do you know what I don't like?" says Andy.
No, Andy, what don't you like? I WANT TO KNOW. C'mon Andy, please? Pretty please with sugar on top?
I don't know, why do people use so many shampoos and conditioners? Oh yes, a bar of soap is all I use too. I especially like it when little chunks of Ivory fall into my nice bushy eyebrows. People just think it's dandruff.
What else don't you like, Andy?
Oh, I know, the food in the container never comes out like the picture on the front.
It's a horrible government conspiracy, Andy. It should be considered a felony.
I just can't believe they arranged all those blueberries in perfect order in the Rice Chex.
You're right, Andy, there's no way that if you poured blueberries they would fall in such perfect order. It's just plain wrong. But they won't fool us, Andy, Ha, Ha. Oh, jeez, Andy, those brownies didn't come out anywhere near like they did in the picture. Why is that, Master Chef Rooney? Why didn't they come out like the ones in the picture did even when you baked them yourself? I'm going to write my senator right now! Do you know what I don't like, Andy? I don't like old men with high, whiny voices telling me what they don't like. ?
This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.