Do Not Eat! This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

By
   Have you ever stopped to wonder who sits around and comes up with the warning labels for products? The other morning, as I was standing drying my hair, I happened to notice the warning label on the cord. Not having much to do but fry my hair till it looked somewhat decent, I picked up the label and began to read ... "WARNING: Do not use while sleeping"!

What? When was the last time you woke up in the middle of the night and found you were sleepstyling again? Don't you just hate it when that happens! And "Do not use in the shower"! Mom, I'm done shampooing my hair. Please toss me the dryer! Where do people come up with these things?

Take a look at the shampoo bottle. You would hope that this is one of those normal objects that doesn't need too many instructions ... right?! "Lather. Rinse. Repeat."

First of all, you know that there are some dummies out there who are still in the shower because it doesn't say, "Get out and try it again tomorrow!" But who needs directions for washing their hair? 1. Place whole head under the stream of water. 2. Pick up bottle ... Come on!

My little cousin just got a new baby doll for her birthday. It is supposed to float in the bathtub and it definitely won't sink. Wouldn't one assume that since it is a child's toy, you probably shouldn't use it in life-threatening situations? "Do not use as a life-saving device"!

We were down at the creek the other day, and some guy just started to drown. Luckily, my cousin Susie had been playin' with her dolly, so she tossed it to him. She's the new county hero. For cryin' out loud, it's a BABY DOLL! Get a clue!

But it doesn't end here. The list goes on! You wear deodorant, don't you? Next time you happen to think about buying deodorant, check out the roll-ons. Pretty simple ... or is it? Scan down the back of the bottle, and whadda-ya-know? "Do not apply to eyes."

Ever buy a new pair of shoes? Ever wonder what the heck the little white package with the skull and crossbones on it is? That would be enough to keep most people from touching it, but noooo, they have to warn these idiots out there ... "Do not eat."

Does the thought cross the minds of some people that there may be something to eat in a box of shoes? If there were, I'm sure that they'd put them right next to the bananas.

Last, but not least, my uncle likes to fix up old cars. I was watching him when I spotted a brand-new fan belt. Glancing at the label, I noticed, "Be sure to stop the motor first."

Here we go again. As they're wheeling the mechanic into the emergency room, his hands all cut up, he tries to tell the doctors what happened.

"Well, see now, I was just a-doin' my job, and well, that motor, you ain't gonna be able to stop it with your hands. It don't wanna stop."

Sir, it happens to be a machine. By the way, aren't you the one who almost drowned, but little Susie saved you with her dolly? I swear, that girl was just destined to be a life-saver!

As you can see, what would we do without the totally clueless people who are alive today? We couldn't take showers, dry our own hair, let alone put on deodorant!! So next time you are seriously considering taking your friendly metal bat and beating the living daylights out of the nincompoop sitting next to you, remember, they are the ones who make this world more interesting. And who would be there to tell you not to spend a hundred dollars for those Chiclets (which come with that awesome pair of free shoes). ?


This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.






Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback