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How to Become a Professional Offense This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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   The first step to alluringmillions of teenage boys and young men: be the raunchiest,most flippant villain of all, a World Wrestling Federationwrestler.

Step two: Think of a catchy nickname. Startwith something intimidating like Hulk or the Undertaker. Thesebone-crushing names, however, are common. Shoot fororiginality and describe yourself as "Stone Cold,"an easy name to remember and scream across arenas.

Stepthree: Encourage the masses with a motto from the Bible."Stone Cold" Steve Austin is inspired by John 3:16."Talk about your psalms," Austin roars, "Austin3:16 says I just whipped your a**!" The WWF demigod has adiehard following of over 10,000 fans in every city he visits.Austin, however, has at least one critic in the city of SanJose.

Austin seems to have memorized only one Bibleverse, but he does not even know the words. John 3:16 actuallyreads, "For God so loved the world that He gave His onlybegotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perishbut have everlasting life." The verse's theme is love andforgiveness, not vain revenge. Fortunately for Austin, thepublic has embraced his slogan, ignoring the actual words ofthe apostle John. Unfortunately, for those who would like tosee Austin disappear into his pre-1996 oblivion, this isevidence enough that these three steps work.

Step four:Offend the audience with "the bird." This isAustin's trademark and should serve well for those trying tomimic his base actions. In fact, fans purchase middle fingerswith mottoes like, "'Cause 'Stone Cold' said so."There are even photos proving that audiences love reciprocaloffensiveness. One shows an Austin lover standing backwards onhis chair mooning Austin. Nearby, fans' faces break out intohuge smiles at the amazing feats of Austin and his wannabeminions.

     Step five is theeasiest as it is often done without effort. Give your audiencea ridiculous performance with bad acting. Most WWF wrestlershave been rejected by daytime soaps. Intense shame and angerat this affront causes the bad actors to live their owndramatic fantasies on shows like "Raw" and"Nitro." The masses seem to love the mini-dramaswhere most of the action takes place outside the ring."The Boss" is angry at one of his wrestlers, awrestler is angry with another for sleeping with his wife. Thewife and her friends are led into the ring like sheep andforced to fight or scream like bimbos. Meanwhile thesteroid-infused, macho-men ogle the women as young boys takenote.

These young boys' role models are raunchywrestlers, and the wrestlers teach them that flipping a friendoff is showing love. The WWF has successfully marketedmonsters who attract kids with violence and sex. Even formerannouncers for the WWF are ashamed to associate themselveswith the business that has come down to this. Despite thenegative influences of the WWF, showboats like Austin continueto gain followers and influence young crowds with thesefreakish five steps.



This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.




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