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If I kissed you...

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Author's note: Writing is my passion. If I don't write daily, I feel like my day is incomplete. I wrote this to...  Show full author's note »
Author's note: Writing is my passion. If I don't write daily, I feel like my day is incomplete. I wrote this to showcase where I am currently at, regarding talent in writing. Currently I have at least five other books I've started on which have the same amount of dedication and talent. When I manage to get a publisher I'll publish them as well when they are finished. This is the first big piece I've put out there that I feel truly shows where I am at in my writing. If you like it, keep in mind this is only part 1, and part 2 is in the works. Any good and constructive feedback is more than welcome. The more feedback I get, the more I will consider there being a part three.  « Hide author's note
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 22 Next »

Illusions of Reality

Pop! I awoke, gasping-he was here-he was here! I stumbled on my knees, looking around a boulder. I saw a small pebble on the dusty surface of the large rock. Someone was throwing rocks at me. I looked into the emptiness of the desert, and saw a figure in the distance. It was dragging a person and walking towards me, long legs sauntering. I stumbled down the rocks and started running the opposite direction.

“Right here baby! I got him!”
I halted in my sprint and gasped in relief and shock, “John!” I turned back to the sound of his voice. It must be John dragging Jen! Why would he be dragging the killer after all. Jen must be alive! I ran around the boulders towards him.
“I'm here baby, I got him!” he yelled again.
I stumbled and slowed. It sounded more like he was wailing out the words. I strained to see his figure. I was within thirty feet now and I walked slowly trying to get my sight in focus. Something didn't sound right in his voice. “You need to come to me!”
“Honey, are you hurt?!”
He stopped walking immediately. Stone cold. He looked taller than I remembered, but maybe it was the night shadows. I still couldn't see the details of his body. But I did see his free hand holding something.
“-I got-” he wailed, then collapsed.
“JOHN!” I ran full-speed to him, and reached him in seconds.
It wasn't John. His hair was short stubble and red. It was the killer, and John was who he was dragging. In his free hand was a tape recorder. I screamed, jerking my body back, trying to double back to run, but his hands clasped hard around my ankle and he tore me back to him as my body writhed in the sand and brush, twisting like a strangled cat, trying to get away. He managed to drag me, inch by screaming inch to him, his determined face was breathing hard from the exertion as he finally raised a rock and brought it down to the side of my head.

“Ain't nothin' sweeter than those Georgia peaches!” Jen and I sang, dancing to the tune. Maleah was dozing off in the passenger seat.
We were off on our way to the Mojave desert, the convertible top rolled down, dancing on top of the car seats, wind blowing in our hair refreshing us, as we drank and sang; moving our hips, flipping our hair, and twisting our torsos in dance. John was at the wheel, stealing a look back at us when he couldn't resist.
“Georgia Peaches!” Jen sang the last part as I wriggled my butt this way and that. We both laughed hysterically. Hunched up in my hysterics was when I saw the large, beat up, black car behind us.
“Hahh, you think he's having some fun watchin' us?” I exclaimed.
“Hell yeah!” yelled Jen as she started dancing to the next tune. I looked uncomfortably for a moment at the car behind us, wondering whose eyes were watching behind the tinted window. But then Jen started singing lines at me and I sang some back at her, forgetting the guy and dancing to the next tune. My hair was getting blown everywhere.

“Ah!” I awoke to chains clinking in a chorus against the shed's wall.
Light streamed into the shack, the heavy doors had been kicked open with enough force to slam against their accompanying walls. An icy blade of horror swept through me as I realized I was on his bed, one of my wrists tied to the frame in the farthest corner which was pinned against the wall. I scrambled to the corner and brought my knees up to shield from any attack.
He came in after I had positioned myself in the corner of the bed against the wood planks holding the tiny room together. As if he were biding his time. As he walked in he grinned an awkward smile at me.
“Where's John?”
His smile left, a barrenness in his eyes much like the desert, washed over his face instantly. Silent still, he turned his back to me and slung a bloody hand towel over the chair Maleah had been sitting on. From the window behind it I could see the other shed.
I swallowed my horror. “...I know Maleah is dead. Will you please tell me if John is too?”
He turned his head barely looking my way, the profile of his chiseled face showing off his prominent nose. “No.” he quietly answered. It was obvious the 'no' meant he wouldn't tell me.
I was about to ask him if he would not give me any relief, when I realized he could take that the wrong way and I held my words back just in time.
He cleared his throat, and walked over to the rustic dresser by the nightstand, I tucked my legs to me further cringing away from him as he pulled out an old ratty work towel and wiped dirt and sweat off his face. He then proceeded to wipe blood off his hands. Some of it was too stained to be wiped away without water. He ignored the bits that wouldn't wipe away, setting down the cloth and fingering some of the hunting knives he had lined up in a row on top of the dresser. His eyes looked up from them at me. There was silence as we looked at each other; cold, blue eyes against his penetrating gray, we both seemed to know what the other was thinking and I seemed to actually see him-something in his eyes for the first time, that was not masked over. Something bare and laid to judgment before me, if only for one moment in time. He was the first to break the gaze, and looked away, dropping the hilt of the knife back to it's place as he turned his back to me.
I decided he might actually tell me something now. I didn't dare mention John, but I hadn't seen Jen's body.
“If you won't answer me whether John is dead,” my voice broke the silence, unwelcome and tense. “Would you tell me...is Jen dead?”
“Yes.” he answered curtly, as he grabbed the towel off the dresser and stalked out.
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 22 Next »


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This book has 125 comments. Post your own!

Lacer said...
May 17, 2012 at 4:25 pm:

You have an interesting idea. An interesting flow. But its so jumpy and confusing, I don't know what's happening. I thought she was running, but then her friends weren't tied up, and were hitting their heads on windows? And somehow she knew what the killer was thinking, and that he was a quiet kind of person, and she had seen him before? If your bringing us into the middle of the action, we need a lot better character developement, and a lot better explained action. You can't just... (more »)

 
Lacer replied...
May 17, 2012 at 10:15 pm :

Hey, I'm not particularly miffed, just frustrated. The problem with the writing style is that you shouldn't have to explain it, it should be clear when you're transitioning scenes, (use double paragraph breaks or asterik lines) and when I said that the killer was usually quiet, I mean that "How did she know he was usually quiet?" Did they hang out or something?

Your action should be clear, not in need of explanation. You have to explain the events as they are happening, not in q... (more »)

 
KateLA replied...
May 17, 2012 at 10:33 pm :

It's obvious you're just looking for some heated debate that quite frankly I'm not much interested in and have better things to do such as finishing the proposal submission I'm sending in to possible angencies.

You are the only one having problems with it.

And another person who at first couldn't understand it, re-read it and admitted she hadn't read through it carefully enough. No offense, but it's obvious you've spent more time writing and nit-picking than reading.

 
Lacer replied...
May 18, 2012 at 7:18 am :

You mean like all those heated debates on my other reviews? Everyone else, even the people that I'm harsher on, haven't taken this so personally. I understand that writing is your passion, but you can't say it deosn't need improvement just because you love it the way it is. It needs improvement, I'm not debating about.

Can I point out that very few people on TeenInk actually review things? And currently, I'm the only one volunteering without requiring reciprocation? Maybe t... (more »)

 
KateLA replied...
May 18, 2012 at 3:51 pm :
Dude, you're the one giving me a PAGE and a half about how you couldn't understand something that was clear. Yes, I'll work on my transitions-now will you please chill out?
 
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TheCapturedBatThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 17, 2012 at 9:11 am:
This is very good horror. the only thing i don't like about it is that you don't reveal very much about the characters before they are put in this situation. then again, i've only read the first page!
 
KateLA replied...
May 17, 2012 at 8:27 pm :
Oh yeah, I should say that right now there's an error that won't let you get to the 2nd page (wouldn't let me and another person do it anyways) so whether you only chose to read the first or couldn't get to the 2nd, I guess you should know. Thanks for the comment, I'll be sure to return the favor!
 
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KateLA said...
May 15, 2012 at 5:02 pm:
I just wanted to post this as a warning to some people because sadly I caught one of my (ex) friends trying to plagiarize my work. She knows who she is and I will not name names. She is now in a lot of trouble at her school. I just wanted to say that I have all the proof and back-up on my computer to prove that this is my own, original work and if anyone tries to do the same thing again it won't end well for them.
 
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JilliAN042599 said...
May 4, 2012 at 2:58 pm:
i like the part where his head rolls right nexts to her legs now that is gros lol!!!!1 loved it
 
KateLA replied...
May 23, 2012 at 5:58 pm :
She knocks him out with her feet, lol, thanks :-)
 
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Maddyw5This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm:
My computer only lets me read the first chapter!! But from what I have read, this novel is amazing!  I love the mystery and action right of the bat.  Great job!
 
KateLA replied...
May 2, 2012 at 7:15 pm :
Thank you so much! I loved your articles by the way-congrats on Editor's Choice!
 
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whiterose said...
Apr. 23, 2012 at 9:25 pm:
This is an amazing story...it held me captive from the first chapter.  It's really interesting and it has great plot twists.  Keep writing...also can you check out some of my work! :)
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 24, 2012 at 4:58 pm :
Sure, I'd love to! Thanks for commenting! :-)
 
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NamesKill. said...
Apr. 17, 2012 at 5:47 am:

Usually I don’t really read this sort of thing, but today has been an exception.

This is AMAZING!!... I saw your thread about reading only two pages and that was my intention but I couldn't help but continue reading this wicked novel.

You so need to write part three & continue the story!...
I particularly like the way you use repetition of words, it familiarises the reader with the text and allows for them to be reminded and recall previous parts that they... (more »)

 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 17, 2012 at 5:12 pm :
I love your comment so much! Your comment just made my whole week-Thank you! Jeez, I feel like commenting on every PIECE of your work now, I think I will, ;-D
 
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dragonfly95 said...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 8:18 am:
its good, with a few minor tweaks it would be awsome! i loved how imaginative it was and your characters are well developed, i couldnt stop reading! i read the entire thing :) i can totally see this asa published peace of work and best seller, you obviuosly have tremendous talent! :) and thanks for your awsome comment on my article ''a mother's love'' :)
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 5:20 pm :
Thank you! I love your comment so much :-) You just made my day!
 
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compassionThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 5:09 am:
 sry no time to read the entire thing. but looking at the summary i already love the story!i will make time and will enjoy every word of your writing:)
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 5:18 pm :
 Thank you very much! :-)
 
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Angel_In_Disguise said...
Apr. 12, 2012 at 6:44 am:
This was really really good. There was one part that really confused me though. It was when John and the main girl were fighting their captor. The way your main character was talking, I couldn't tell if she was attacking John or their captor. Other than that I absolutely LOVED it!
 
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