He Murdered for Her

October 12, 2011
By AngelsLullaby GOLD, Neverland, Idaho
More by this author Follow AngelsLullaby
AngelsLullaby GOLD, Neverland, Idaho
12 articles 7 photos 95 comments

Favorite Quote:
Music is a higher revelation from wisdom and philosophy. ~Ludwig Von Beethoven


Author's note: I love thriller's and it just felt right for me to write one.

"Please, Vanessa, I did it so we could be together.” Tomas shouted through the door to me. How could this happen? I shoved my knees to my chest and draped my arms around them. I had hidden in my closet trying to escape the reality of what just happened. They’re all gone. Jared, my baby girl and my family. My eyes began to well up with tears as the sun began to set. Tomas has been yelling for me to come out for hours. He would occasionally bang on the door but that didn’t help. Suddenly it got quiet for a couple minutes. Then the banging started again. It became more frequent now. He didn’t talk. All I heard was metal banging against thick wood. My breath started to quicken as I began to realize what Tomas was doing. He’s trying to break down the door!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I loved waking up every morning to the gorgeous innocence of my daughter, Lydia. Lydia Anne Marie. A perfect baby deserves a perfect name. From the day she arrived, she’s been nothing but a bundle of love and joy. Lydia was a very silent baby. She rarely cried or screamed. “She needs a sister Nessa. A girl this perfect shouldn’t have to play alone.” My mother had told me shortly after Lydia was born. The fact that I was a teen mom didn’t daunt her at all. One’s enough. Maybe. I thought as I changed Lydia’s diaper. I didn’t really mind the 3 am wake up calls. Though she didn’t cry, I seemed to know right when she needed me. Wether it was a bottle she needed or a diaper change, I sensed it and popped right out of bed. I held my beautiful girl close as she drifted asleep. I gazed out the window as the sun just peaked over the trees. Its beautiful golden rays completely surrounded the old house I shared with my parents. I laid Lydia on one side of the bed and laid close next to her. Shortly after, I heard the sound of hammers and drills. Since my dad thought he was too old to worry about house repairs, he hired the neighbor’s boys. Tomas and Jared. They had been working on the house for months. Lydia has become accustom to the noise. Now she sleeps right through it. “I’d love to have a baby like her Vanessa. She never cries. Never a peep,” Tomas would mention every so often. I didn’t like him really. He was odd. Maybe it was just his tall lanky figure or the way his void, dark brown eyes would flick over at Lydia and me. Something was just wrong with him. Jared, though, was completely normal and not to mention attractive. From his golden brown hair to his muscle 5’ 7” frame. I really adored his smile though. And his golden-brown eyes were to die for. I sleepily opened my eyes. I was wide awake and alert once I realized I dozed off. Lydia was gone. I rushed downstairs to the kitchen and found a note on the table. “Vanessa, Lydia and I went shopping. Be back soon. ~Mom.” I took a huge sigh of relief. That woman’s going to hear it from me once she- “Mornin' Nessa.” I whirled around to Jared washing dirt off his face. A little embarrassed I was still in pajamas, I nonchalantly fixed my hair. “Oh hey Jared didn’t know you and Tomas were here today.’’ “Well its ‘cause you’ve been asleep all mornin’ sleepy head.” I blushed a bright red. “Well you’d be tired to if you were up with a baby all night.’’ I snapped. His profound laugh bellowed through out the house “Oh Vanessa you can’t pull that card on me. I’ve been around here enough to know that lil’ girl don’t cry.’’ He dried himself off, winked at me, turned around and left. My jaw dropped. I ran upstairs and got dressed. My outfit said notice me but I’m not desperate. What kind of guy would be interested in a single mom? I’m out of my mind this is crazy. I changed into jean shorts and a baggy graphic tee. I went back downstairs to find Tomas rummaging through the mail.

“Looking for something Tomas?’’ I made sure there was extra attitude thrown in. “Oh, I, uh… Just was seeing if you got that child support yet.” “Why the hell are you looking for Lydia’s child support? Last time I checked you were not involved in my child’s life. She is none of you concern now get the hell out of my house and get back to work.” I was furious. What gives him the right to go through my mail for my child support? As soon as the door clicked shut, my anger rushed out of me like a hungry lion chasing its prey. “Dad! Daddy!” “In my office Ness.” I dashed to the other side of the house. My fuzzy red socks made me slip a couple times on the hardwood floor, but I kept going. I was too angry to stop. “Dad I want that guy… that... that nosy freak out of here!” “What? Slow down, take a breath now tell me what happened.” I rolled my eyes, inhaled then exhaled slowly. He wasn’t surprised that it was Tomas I wanted gone. He stayed quiet while I explained what happened. “Wow, not even noon yet and you already have a beef with someone.” “Dad I’m serious. I want him gone. Today.” I turned and stomped out of the room. I waited about an hour for my dad to do something. Since he didn’t I took matters into my own hands. There’s something not right with him. I’ve had enough of his bull crap. I slipped on my shoes and stormed outside. I had it all planned out in my head. Just walk up to him and tell him he will no longer be working on the house. I suddenly felt a slight pain in my left leg. Must’ve bumped my knee on that pile of boards. I glanced down and surely enough there was a pile of boards lying there. A couple red spots on the boards caught my eye. I got a closer look at the red spots. My knee isn’t bleeding that much is it? An instant peek at my knee revealed that it wasn’t bleeding at all. Barely broke the skin. A little panicked, I took a couple steps back only to trip over more equipment. I winced in pain as my head landed on a rock. I cradled my head with both hands waiting for the pain to die down. I lay on the ground for a bit with my eyes tightly closed. I knew there would be blood now. I moved on hand in front of my face. As I stared at my bloody hand something in the trees caught my eye. I sat up and squinted trying to focus on the odd thing in the trees. I flinched as a couple drops of liquid fell on my face. Oh, please don’t be bird crap. I poked a non-bloody finger in the liquid on my forehead. I was confused and shocked to find more blood. I stood up trying to get a closer look at what was in the trees. Looks almost like... like a person!

“Vanessa!’’ Severely startled I turned to see Tomas running from the other side of the house. “Tomas? What’s wrong?’’ “Where’s Lydia?” “She’s with my mom at the store. Jared what happened to you’re head?” The entire right side of his head was covered in blood. His knuckles were bruised and cut up. Almost like he had been in a boxing match with a brick wall. I started worrying. He started pushing me towards the house. He pushed me in the door and locked it. “Tomas what’s going on? Where are Jared and my dad?” He grabbed my arms and stared me in the eyes. “Your dad is dead. Jared killed him and dragged his body outside. He tried to kill me too. He hit me over the head with hammer but before I could stop him from getting to you I got a couple punches in. He’s still outside though. He wants Lydia. We have to get her and go now.” I was horrified. The person in the tree was my… “Vanessa! We have to go!” I fell to my knees and started crying. Tomas was angry. I could tell by the way he groaned and darted upstairs. I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye. Through the glass of the back door I saw Jared crawling up the steps. I looked over my shoulder to make sure Tomas wasn’t there. I quickly moved over to the door and quietly opened it. “J-jared? Oh my... what happened to you?” He had received a harsh beating. He had many open wounds on his body. I wrapped his arm around my shoulders and helped him in the house. He was a pretty big guy and I was fairly petite so I did struggle a little bit helping him to the couch. I gently laid him down and tried to clean his cuts with one of Lydia’s burping towels that were on the coffee table. His eyes slowly opened. “Jared please tell me what’s going on.” He grasped my hand tightly. I bit my lip as he squeezed it tighter. I feared Tomas was right. Jared pulled me closer and whispered, “Don’t let him get Lydia. Don’t trust hi…” I turned around to see Tomas standing at the bottom of the stairs with two bags full of clothes and cash filling his pockets. I stood up quickly fearing what might happen. Who do I believe? What do I do? He sat there staring at me. Seemed like forever until he finally spoke. “Vanessa, come with me.” He took a step towards me. I took a step back. “Vanessa. Please.” “Tell me the truth Tomas. What the hell is going on?” He dropped the bags and glared at Jared who was still holding my hand firmly. “I did it for you, Vanessa, and Lydia. I did it for us.” Jared sat up grasping his right ribs tightly. I knew he was in pain. It was hard to miss. I rushed to his side and helped him up. “Tomas,” Jared said in an unyielding voice, “tell her what really happened.”

I could see the anger building up inside Tomas. He clenched his fists like he was ready to fight the entire world. “I killed your dad, tried to kill Jared, your mom is next and anyone else that tries to get in my way.” I felt my eyes fill up with tears and my head burning with anger. I was completely out of words. This psycho path is killing my family and after my baby? All I could do was cry. “Vanessa, please, just come with me. We’ll wait for you mom to come home with Lydia then we’ll leave.” “You won’t touch that child,’’ Jared stood up in front of me, “or Vanessa.” I breathed a sigh in relief. It was a huge comfort knowing he cared for me and Lydia. It just made Tomas more heated. We all heard a car door shut. My heart skipped a beat. Mom! Lydia! Tomas’s expression changed. He stared at the door waiting for them to come in. He reached behind himself to his back pocket. Jared kept his eyes on Tomas. The door knob jiggled. I held my breath. Mom and Lydia stepped through the door. Tomas pulled out a gun and aimed it at my mom. “Tomas no!” I screeched. The smile on my moms face vanished. She was as worried as me. Tomas’s cold dark eyes flicked from my mom to Lydia. He was fixed on her. “Ok Tomas, I’ll go with you just don’t hurt my mom. Please.” He lowered the gun and allowed me to get Lydia from my mom. I gave my mom a faint smile and hugged her tightly. “It’s ok mom. Everything’s going to be ok.” I whispered in her ear. I looked in her eyes and smiled again. I turned around and took a step away from my mom. As soon as I did, Tomas raised the gun and fired 2 shots at my mom. “Mom! No!” I screamed. “How could you?” Not saying a single syllable, he turned the gun to Jared. “Tomas listen to me; you don’t have to do this. Killing everyone she cares about isn’t going to change anything. She doesn’t have feelings for you. Just put the gun down ok.’’ I walked over to Jared and stood close to him. He took Lydia from me and kissed her cheek. Tomas’s expression went from angry to enraged. “Tomas,” I walked over to him, “please stop.” I was face to face with him now. He started to calm down a little. I put my hand on his shoulder and bit my lip hoping he would stop. He scowled at me and shook my hand away from him. “Tomas...” before I could finish he smacked me across the face with the butt of the gun. He cursed under his breath then kneeled beside me. “This doesn’t change things between you and me. Once I find her, we’re all out of this stupid place.” Find her? What do you mean find her? My eye sight was getting blurred and I could hardly pick myself up off the ground. My head was pounding. All I could feel was pain darting up and down my body. Then everything went black.

When I finally came to, I couldn’t see Jared or Lydia. Only Tomas by my side. “Where’s my daughter?” I asked confidently. “Jared bailed with her... No where to be found. Believe me I’ve searched high and low in the house and outside. There’s just too much land though. Good thing you don’t have any close neighbors,” his tone changed, “or else things would’ve gotten ugly.” His daunting, shady, brown eyes followed me. If I moved a toe, he got stern. “Why should I believe you? You killed my parents and lied about what happened with Jared. Why would you do this?” “They were obstacles interfering with us. Jared’s the reason you won’t give me a second look and your parents honestly are down right annoying.” I felt angry again and couldn’t control myself. I slapped him right across the face. I didn’t regret it though. He deserves a lot worse, I thought. He smirked. “Guess I had that coming. Vanessa I don’t want our relationship to be an abusive one, but if I have to...” he pulled out the gun and placed it where I could see, “I will.” I glared at him. “If you lay a hand on my daughter I will end your life slowly and painfully.” He laughed. It was really an ugly laugh. Well it was more of a cackle. It made me want to shove pens in my ears. “Oh, Vanessa, don’t worry about Lydia. I don’t think I’ll have any problems with her. She’s perfect you know and the next children we have will be too. Are you hungry?” He grabbed my arm and pulled me to the kitchen. The next children WE have? The thought of doing anything more than kissing made me want to die. While he talked, I looked around the kitchen for something I could use to get away from him. Has to be subtle, but painful so I can have enough time to get away. The sun will be setting soon so I better hurry. I got an idea. “Uh, Tomas, I have to use the bathroom.” “You can hold it.” “No I can’t! I got cramps. You know, girls time of the month.” He sighed with irritation and followed me to the bathroom. After a little while of me convincing him, I finally got him to let me shut the door. “The window is too small for me to crawl out of.” I said innocently. “Fine whatever just hurry up.” I locked the door then ripped some pads open to make it sound legit. I knew he was right next to the door. He wouldn’t leave me alone. I quietly rummaged through some stuff under the sink. Cleaning supplies! Mom always has cleaning stuff lying around the house. Bleach! Perfect!

I had almost forgotten about my parents. I sat there for a minute just wanting to cry. Then Tomas banged on the door. “Hurry up!” “Alright just have to wash my hands.” I turned on the faucet and let it run for a minute. I opened the bleach lid and readied myself. I saw his shadow from underneath the door. I only have one shot right now. Please be facing the door... I opened the door and without hesitating I threw the bleach at him. Yes! I pushed him out of the way and ran as fast as I could. By the sounds of his cries of pain I assumed it got him in the eyes. Good, I thought. I ran upstairs to the farthest room down the hall. I could still hear him screaming. I hoped he wasn’t on his feet. He might be moving around trying to figure out where I am. That doesn’t give me much time! I shut the door and locked it then pushed an extremely heavy dresser with a TV on it in front of the door. I stepped back and thought for a minute. He’ll think I’m in the room and while he’s trying to get in, I’ll climb out the window and run to the nearest house for help. I was startled and lost my trail of thought when Tomas tried to open the door. “Vanessa you witch! You can’t stay in there forever! You’ll have to come out sooner or later to find your daughter!” He continued to bang on the door trying to push it open. Lydia! I can’t leave without knowing where she is. She could still be here with Jared... Unless he’s... No. He’s alive. He has to be. I sat there for hours listening to Tomas yelling and screaming not sure what my next move would be. All I could think about was Lydia. I worried if she was ok or if Tomas lied about her and Jared. Maybe he found her and Jared. That means he would’ve killed Jared and hid Lydia somewhere. I have to find out where she is. Then I got lost in thought remembering my parents. How my father was just killed and left in a tree and how he without hesitating murdered my mother right in front of me. Tomas started to calm his tone now. He wasn’t yelling angrily like he was earlier. Now he was just yelling loud enough for me to hear. "Please, Vanessa, I did it so we could be together.” Tomas shouted through the door to me. How could this happen? I shoved my knees to my chest and draped my arms around them. I had hidden in my closet trying to escape the reality of what just happened. They’re all gone. Jared, my baby girl and my family. My eyes began to well up with tears as the sun began to set. Tomas has been yelling for me to come out for hours. He would occasionally bang on the door but that didn’t help. Suddenly it got quiet for a couple minutes. Then the banging started again. It became more frequent now. He didn’t talk. All I heard was metal banging against thick wood. My breath started to quicken as I began to realize what Tomas was doing. He’s trying to break down the door!

I got up decided I’d either have to face him or climb out the window. If I go out there he might not let me see Lydia. He might kill me. Or even her. I can’t risk it. I opened the window and started to climb out as I heard wood chips hit the floor. I began to climb down the side of the house then the banging stopped. I froze. Where did he go? I looked over my shoulder out into the woods. Dad owns about 30 acres of land around here. Looks like there are two houses about 3 miles away. One has to be Jared and Tomas’s. I have to find Lydia and get over there. “Vanessa!” That sounded close. I looked down and realized it was extremely close. I was right above Tomas’s head. I slowly climbed back in the window and watched as he rushed across the yard. I decided it was do or die. He’s right I can’t sit in this room forever. I pushed the heavy dresser away and slowly opened the door. I crept down the hall way watching for any signs of movement. A shadow or even a slight shuffle on the floor would put me on high alert. Even though the sun was down, Tomas turned on every light in the house. This means I have to be extremely cautious. I still heard him outside tossing hammers and boards across the yard. I tip-toed down the stairs then ran to the front door. I tossed it open and ran. Not completely sure where I was going but I was almost positive he didn’t have Lydia. She’s with Jared. I know she is. I kept reassuring myself. I came to an immediate halt when I thought I heard footsteps behind me. I held my breathe and listened intently. Could’ve been an animal? There are deer and small rodents around here. No it could be an animal. I started walking slowly and warily. I heard the foots steps again but this time they were faster and not shy. I was overcome with fear. I knew it was Tomas but I didn’t know where he was. I began to panic and decided to keep running. Then something cold and solid hit the back of my legs. I collapsed face first to the ground. I cried out in pain and tried to push myself up. As I got on my knees someone grabbed me by the hair and yanked me up. “You didn’t think I’d let you get away that easy did you sweetheart?” I begged and pleaded with him to let me go. My screams of pain didn’t faze him. I knew he would be royally furious about the bleach and I also knew if I didn’t get away from him I’d have a punishment coming. I kicked and screamed trying to get free. He had a tight hold on my arm and my hair as he dragged me through the woods back to the house. As we got closer to the house, I started calling him every bad name I knew hoping he would get mad and want to smack me. At least it would give me another chance to get away. He dragged me in through the door then locked it shut.

I tried to run upstairs but he grabbed my ankle and pulled me down with immense force. I didn’t know what else to do but keep screaming and fighting him off as much as I can. He forced his arm down on my throat limiting my screaming and fighting. I gasped for air as he stared into my eyes. I couldn’t tell if he wanted me dead or if he just wanted me to stop. I saw his burned face in the light. His eyes were now brown and red and his face was partially burned off. Chunks of his skin were gone along his face and neck. He had red all over like a fire just burst in his face. I slowly started to lose consciousness. I scratched at his face and kicked his stomach but he kept his arm pressed tightly against my neck. My head started to get dizzy and ass I started to black out, Tomas flew off of my and across the room. I turned my head and could see he was in pain. Who is helping me? I gasped for air again loving the feeling of air going through out my body. I sat up to see Jared standing over me with a wooden board in hand. I jumped up on my feet and gave him a quick hug. “Are you ok Nessa?” He asked hugging me back. “Yeah, just a little banged up. Where is Lydia?” He smiled at me. “She’s fine. She’s sound asleep somewhere safe. I heard you screaming and came as fast as I could.” Tomas got up and started laughing. “You’re good big brother. For a minute there I thought you ditched her.” “I’m not like you Tomas. You need to stop this. Haven’t you cause enough pain? Both physical and emotional?” “Obviously not if you’re still alive Jare.” I watched Tomas closely. He clenched his fists again. He looked as if he was ready to attack. Jared gripped the board tighter ready to swing if he had to. I was done asking Tomas to stop. He’s making his own decisions and he will get what’s coming to him. “What are you going to do Jared? I beat you once. And you are the weaker one right now. Do you really want to go down that road again?” Within a split second Jared pushed me out of the way as Tomas lunged at him. I fell to the ground as Jared swung the board and hit Tomas on the head. Tomas fell to the ground not far from me. He laid there for a minute not moving a muscle then he gradually got up. I could tell this isn’t what Jared wanted to do. He hated fighting his brother. I could see it in his beautiful golden brown eyes. “Not bad Jare, you actually got a hit at me.” Jared didn’t say a word. Tomas continued trying to get in Jared’s head. Out of the corner of my eye, I found the gun Tomas used to kill my mom.

He must have dropped it when I threw the bleach in his face. He seemed distracted so I ever so carefully inched my way towards the gun. Tomas then pulled out a knife. “Used this little thing for you dad,” he stated smirking at me, “maybe I should use it on the two of you. I have no use for a baby without the mother so I might as well-" before he could finish Jared attacked him. He felt my anger. He hit Tomas a couple times then Tomas kicked Jared knocking him down. He kicked him again and again in the stomach and back. Then as he leaned down to end Jared’s life I grabbed the gun and shot him twice in the back. Disgusted with myself that I just took a human life, I watched him fall to the floor. Jared stood up and nudged Tomas’s body making sure he was dead. He glanced over at me and hurried to my side. He could see it in my eyes I was appalled and in shock. “Vanessa it’s ok. It’s all over now. He removed the gun from my hands and held me close to him. I couldn’t help but let loose all my emotions. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I pressed my face into his chest and cried as he pulled me into his lap and told me over and over again that everything was ok. A few minutes passed then he picked me up and laid me on the couch. He kissed my forehead and said he’d be right back. He laid a blanket over my mother’s body so I or Lydia wouldn’t have to see. Shortly after, he brought Lydia to me. I smiled and held her close. While I held Lydia, Jared got up and told me to make sure she doesn’t watch him. I nodded and tried to distract her. He quickly got the car keys from my mom’s body then told us to come with him. He drove us to the nearest hospital to make sure he and I didn’t have any major injuries. There he called the police and told them what happened. I fell asleep after I got checked on. When I woke up Jared and a policeman were standing at the foot of my bed. “Jared?” I whispered groggily. He had a nervous smile on his face. “Ma’am the man you said attacked you, Tomas Hartley, correct?” “Yeah that’s his name. I’ll tell you everything that happened.” “No ma’am that’s not why I’m here. It seems the individual that attacked you both has gone missing.”

The author's comments:
Thanks for reading! Please give me some feedback on the book. I'm thinking about doing a sequel.

“What?” I asked angrily and fearfully. “We searched the house and the land around it. We’re currently sending out a missing persons report around the state. We received a detailed description from Jared Hartley and we gathered some DNA samples last night.” “He couldn’t have gone far. I shot him in the back twice.” “I know ma’am Mr. Hartley already explained to me it was in self defense. But once you check out of the hospital, we’re going to need a statement from you.” The officer finished talking to Jared then left. I was dumbfounded. How could he survive two gunshots, a hit to the head and still get under the cops radar? Jared stared out the window. “He... he’s going to want revenge. We have to do something to-“ “No,” I said solemnly, “he wants me and Lydia.”



Similar books


JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This book has 12 comments.


Kaitquincy said...
on Oct. 16 2013 at 1:01 pm
Awesome! Wow this was amazing

on Jan. 12 2013 at 9:51 pm
Freckles3 BRONZE, ------------, Ohio
3 articles 0 photos 32 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The universe is not only queerer than we suppose; it is queerer than we can suppose."
~J.B.S. Haldane

I read this at NIGHT. Now Tomas is gonna attack me while I sleep, I just know it. If I can sleep. You're gonna give me nightmares! (That means you did a good job)

on Jan. 18 2012 at 5:17 pm
Timekeeper DIAMOND, Cary, North Carolina
62 articles 0 photos 569 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over a garbage can and says 'That's Punk'?, and I say 'No that's trendy'!"- Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day

Every once in a while the sentences ran on a little too long. Other than that, I loved it! I am definitely looking forward to a sequel!

on Jan. 16 2012 at 1:11 pm
AngelsLullaby GOLD, Neverland, Idaho
12 articles 7 photos 95 comments

Favorite Quote:
Music is a higher revelation from wisdom and philosophy. ~Ludwig Von Beethoven

Thank you :) I think I did better in my second book called "The Devils Rose." But thanks for your feedback :)

on Jan. 16 2012 at 6:07 am
BabyDocra BRONZE, Plymouth, Other
2 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love is like the ocean; You cannot contain it for it is too large, but you cannot unleash it for it would drown the world.

Also, feel free to take a look at my stuff. There will be more uploaded soon :)

on Jan. 16 2012 at 6:06 am
BabyDocra BRONZE, Plymouth, Other
2 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love is like the ocean; You cannot contain it for it is too large, but you cannot unleash it for it would drown the world.

I really enjoyed reading this :) You have wonderful ideas, and a brilliant storyline. I would suggest that if you do a sequel, to pad out the chapters more, and to not make some actions or what the characters say so cliché and expected. Try to put a spin on it, but don't make it obvious. Describe actions more, so the reader can see exactly what they're doing or thinking. Other than that, I completely loved it, some moments where I could relate to the main character. I would definitely love to see a sequel, you've created a fan in me :)

on Dec. 4 2011 at 3:26 pm
no fense but i dont undestand emri's "critique"

on Oct. 13 2011 at 3:44 pm
AngelsLullaby GOLD, Neverland, Idaho
12 articles 7 photos 95 comments

Favorite Quote:
Music is a higher revelation from wisdom and philosophy. ~Ludwig Von Beethoven

I've never really thought of starting with the subject as a bad thing. But thanks for the tip. And I wasn't aware there were spelling errors or grammar problems. Though the spell check got that all for me.

BluBliss GOLD said...
on Oct. 13 2011 at 3:22 pm
BluBliss GOLD, New York, New York
14 articles 0 photos 161 comments

Favorite Quote:
Bella's love for Edward was like, "Omg. He's hot. He's mine because he sparkles. Now I'll brood the wholle book while I'm with him."

I love the plot here. Dude, it's awesome. Or, dudette. But as critique, you seem to always start with teh subject, then the action. Some diversity in this pattern would be nice. And some description in between actions. I'm not gonna tell ya about grammer or spelling, cuz, well, that's just easily fixed with Grammer Checker. I hate it when people critique me on teh grammer.

on Oct. 13 2011 at 2:29 pm
Kev-Girl SILVER, Plymouth, Indiana
5 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is a maybe. Death is for sure. Sin is the cause. Christ is the cure. :)

Love is the breath of God, and prayer is the melody that makes it sing.

If you cant annoy someone, there's no point in writing.

Love is overrated, marry for money.

YAY! :)    

on Oct. 13 2011 at 2:14 pm
AngelsLullaby GOLD, Neverland, Idaho
12 articles 7 photos 95 comments

Favorite Quote:
Music is a higher revelation from wisdom and philosophy. ~Ludwig Von Beethoven

Thank you :)

Will be working on the sequel soon :)


on Oct. 13 2011 at 10:53 am
Kev-Girl SILVER, Plymouth, Indiana
5 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is a maybe. Death is for sure. Sin is the cause. Christ is the cure. :)

Love is the breath of God, and prayer is the melody that makes it sing.

If you cant annoy someone, there's no point in writing.

Love is overrated, marry for money.

Oh please do a sequel! This is amazing! I love books like this, so I read the whole thing! This is really good, and I wanna know what happens! Please keep writing! :)


SciArc

MacMillan Books

Aspiring Writer? Take Our Online Course!