Run When You Can (Chapter one)

March 4, 2011
By pheebz88 BRONZE, Concord, New Hampshire
pheebz88 BRONZE, Concord, New Hampshire
2 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart


Summary:

Patient 32 is a young girl who woke up in an insane asylum, being told she committed a crime that she has no memory of ever doing.
A schizophrenic down the hall keeps her up at night with her fear inducing screams and two strange people are keeping an extremely close eye on her.
She knows that something isn't right but she can't put her finger on it. When suddenly she is told she is to move to a different part of the hospital, she immediately knows that this is not your typical mental hospital. Will she prove she is innocent or be condemned to a life in this strange hospital?


Phoebe J.

Run When You Can (Chapter one)


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This book has 9 comments.


CurlyQue said...
on Nov. 9 2011 at 11:32 am
CurlyQue, Hampton, Tennessee
0 articles 0 photos 5 comments
this was a really great story you give really great details. :)

charmiypiggy said...
on Mar. 14 2011 at 3:11 pm
charmiypiggy, Melbourne, Other
0 articles 0 photos 116 comments

Favorite Quote:
You eat food for the enjoyment of it; the fact that it helps you stay alive is just a bonus.

Here it is:

 

www . teenink . com / novels / sci_fi_fantasy / book / 54202 / Hunted/

 

Thanks!


on Mar. 14 2011 at 8:16 am
pheebz88 BRONZE, Concord, New Hampshire
2 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart

Thank you so much for the feedback!  I can't find your book...could you maybe attach a link somewhere?

charmiypiggy said...
on Mar. 13 2011 at 7:34 pm
charmiypiggy, Melbourne, Other
0 articles 0 photos 116 comments

Favorite Quote:
You eat food for the enjoyment of it; the fact that it helps you stay alive is just a bonus.

(Sorry I took so long to comment! I couldn't find it.)

 

This is good; a very intriguing read. I will start first of all about what I liked about the story. 

 

The descriptions and wording were excellent. The plot was very interesting, despite being a little dark. 

 

However, I noticed a couple of things that I must point out. Firstly, schizophreniacs do not suffer from split personality disorder. There is much confusion about this, but they actually just suffer from delusions and hallucinations. And most patients are actually fearful, not angry. (lol. I was just studying a chapter about this. Glad to know that it's of some use.)

 

The way the the people spoke was very formal, with no slang. e.g. 'she is' instead of 'she's'. IS this intentional? Because it does make it sound rather odd. Also, I think that you spent a little bit too much time in asking questions and talking about the murder. Though it is understandable, as the patient would be very confused, it gets a little tiring after a while. 

 

Overall, great work! And please comment on my novel Hunted when you have the time!


bubj98 BRONZE said...
on Mar. 12 2011 at 6:27 pm
bubj98 BRONZE, Oceanside, California
4 articles 0 photos 32 comments

Favorite Quote:
"hate is a strong word ,but love is a stronger one"
"sometimes batteries help when the little robot inside your head stops working"
"i guess that guy over there is like...alive?"

this was very thought provoking especially her last dream/vision.however there was one dream that confused me:in it the deceased woman said that her daughter was gone because of her even though in the previous dialougue v said that it was a boy that she killed.i cant tell if this added to the mystery or was just a mistake...either way i found the whole thing very interesting.i loved it and suggest that you make more of it,scratch that,you HAVE to make more.

on Mar. 9 2011 at 8:18 pm
pheebz88 BRONZE, Concord, New Hampshire
2 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart

Thank you so much! 

on Mar. 9 2011 at 8:13 pm
Timekeeper DIAMOND, Cary, North Carolina
62 articles 0 photos 569 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over a garbage can and says 'That's Punk'?, and I say 'No that's trendy'!"- Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day

This is pretty neat. It's dark, the setting is unique and creative, and you have a lot of potential for developing it into a quality novel.

on Mar. 8 2011 at 8:20 am
pheebz88 BRONZE, Concord, New Hampshire
2 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart

Okay...I'l try to fix that!  Thanks!

Ryter said...
on Mar. 7 2011 at 5:49 pm
Ryter, Warwick, New York
0 articles 0 photos 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, and Today is a Gift, that is why it is called the Present.

O.O wow, that was great! There were a few grammer errors, and the paragraphs weren't exactly separated enough to tell the difference, but that was great! I can't wait for chapter 2! Oh, and at one point, you changed from 1st person to 3rd person: "I wouldn't go crazy and kill a woman and her child because I felt like it. But you did so deal with it." I don't understand, are you talking to yourself, or did you mean to say something like "But I did, so I had to deal with it."? And in those two senteces (just because I brought the up) they need some grammar fixes (this is what I would have done) "I wouldn't go crazy and kill a woman and her child because I felt like it, but I did, so I'd have to deal with it." I hope this helps! :) Keep writing! Can't wait to read more!


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