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Monica>>Thirteen

I love these people so much! My new parents are the best! They always let me do whatever I want. They have already given me everything I ever wanted, and it’s only been a few years! And they even put me in the best school ever! They have the cutest guys, the nicest teachers, and all the best girlfriends ever! Life just keeps getting better and better. And every day I come home from school, my parents say, “Welcome home Honey! We have missed you so much! How was school? I made you your favorite afterschool snack.” These people are the best! I love them! But I am still constantly thinking about Zada and Joshua. I wonder who Zada’s parents are. Did she even get adopted yet? Probably. I want to write her and Iver a letter, but I don’t know where they are. So I am going to call the foster home that we all stayed at to find out where they are so I can write to them because I miss them so much and I want to know how they are doing.
I thought it was funny to grab the phone because whenever we tried grabbing the phone at the foster home, the ladies would get worried that we would call a bad number. And now these people don’t care who I call! So I pick up the phone and I dial the long distance number (because a year after I got adopted, we moved to Florida) and I wait for someone to answer.
“St. Mary’s Foster Care, this is Lynda speaking. How may I help you?” said Lynda.
“Lynda! Hi! It’s Monica! Remember me? My sister and brother’s name was Zada and Joshua.”
“Oh yes! I do remember you! How are you doing, dear?” She sounded very excited. I was so happy that Lynda was the one who answered because she was the only one I really talked to.
“I am doing fantastic! But I called to ask you a question.” I started to sound upset because thinking about them always makes me cry. I don’t even know what they look like right now. So when I write them the letter, I’m going to take picture of myself so they know what I look like. “What is Joshua and Zada’s address? I have missed them terribly and I want to write to them to see how they are doing.”
“Oh that sounds wonderful! Now let’s see,” I could tell she was looking through some kind of book because I heard the opening and closing of a drawer and I heard pages flipping. “Ah, here is Joshua. His address is…” I started to get really excited as she told me Joshua’s address. “…and Zada’s address is…” I started to cry as she told me Zada’s because thinking about her makes me think of all the terrible names I used to call her. I miss her so much and I wish she could have came with me.
“Thank you so much, Lynda! I really do appreciate it.” I thanked her probably seventy times.
“You’re welcome, dear. You take care of yourself! Goodbye.” We both hung up and when we did, I rushed right away to get pencil and paper to start on my letters.
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This book has 4 comments. Post your own!

Freckles3 said...
Sept. 30, 2012 at 8:19 pm:
Okay, that was frightening. Yikes yikes yikes. Really good suspense at the end! You could add more action in the rest of the story... But the end was perfect. Absolutely perfect. I was on the edge of my seat! This was really good!
 
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OreoLover said...
May 11, 2011 at 7:57 pm:
Focus on finding a more natural word choice: i've honestly never seen an eight year old weep, they cry(weep sounds like something an older person would do), conjunctions(it sounds forced and scripted when you don't use them) I agree with purple_ashes that you should keep the prolouge to the POV of one of the kids. Love it!
 
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purple_ashes said...
Dec. 24, 2010 at 5:57 pm:
There is a lot of potential in this story and I was really drawn in by the prolouge of the story. HOwever, after readin father my interest got lost. Your writing is really outstanding but I think this story needs some editing. Maybe tell it from the point of veiw from one child. Even in the first chapter... it seems like somethings missing in your writing... I'm not sure,,
 
ShannonVictoria replied...
Dec. 25, 2010 at 3:50 am :
Yea, i think you're right. I should probably look over it a couple times and really fix some things. But i think i will keep this one up for a while to see if anyone else has any other things i should probably fix. :) Thanks for your help! :)
 
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