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April 23

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April 3, 2000

April 23, 2000 the day my whole life changed forever but before that my life was normal just like any other kid at school but it had to change why I don't know. Wish it hadn't cause now I'm wishing I could just disappear right this second. I lost all my friends, all my teachers hate me why I don't know, I would say I’m a normal kid but when I finish telling you how all this got to where it is you'll going to say I’m so not a normal kid.

Yeah it's funny now but wait until I tell you what really when down so to say that's what some kids at school would say not trying to be funny because this is a really hurtful matter and I don't even think my own parents care I tried to tell them but all I got was a “everything will get better honey”, yeah those are my parents alright not cool one story my dad used to tell me was that when he was in high school he used to be really cool and popular then he told me to try to be cool and popular just like him, does he even know how had it is to get respect from your own friend super hard when they won't even look or hear what you have to say at all.

High school has been in a way BAD for me no one to talk to and I think teachers give me more homework then everyone else. Oh by the way my my name is_ well you don't need to know that I mean it's just going to be embarrassing not for you for me because lets just leave it to that so let's go on with what happened to me.

So I was around 14 when this happened and plus I go to a private school, it starts from first grade to tenth grade so I kind of have my whole life at that school and now I’m like in the ninth grade and I’m still 14 and all I’m hoping for is that for this school year to end forever and of course that wish is not going to happen. But I really wish it would anyways I keep on getting off track while telling you what happened “man” I really have to stop saying and but and back on track, I was sitting by my friends Lisa and Jane when my other Mary’s brother who by the way is such a meanie so to say.

He came to our table and started to say crazy stuff like how and why I keep everything to myself I have a very good reason why I do what I do. It's because when something comes out from your mouth it can't ever come back in and you can ever say ooh I take that back so I hope you know where I’m going with this.

FYI: I have no idea why I did what I did but I have one reason in a way that's kind of an idea but who I’m I to know since well never mind about that so lets go on with the story and end this right here.
So Mary’s brother with his weird friends and I don't mean to call them weird maybe lame is the right word but either way they are still both words. As we were sitting there he came to me and why me of all people I mean come on I have nothing to say to him nor his friends though one of them was kind of cute and his name was Jacob what I’m I saying I don't like him I hope. Well then back to the story again as I said I was just sitting there listening to what everyone was saying and he put his hand on the table and asked me for 20 bucks and I carry my lunch to school why would I have 20 bucks just laying around in my pocket and of course I just said I don't have 20 bucks sorry and guess what he did, he....he made me stand up and Mary his sister didn’t do anything about it, it really hurt me.

That's when I knew I had to act fact I was a shy girl who surprisingly knew everyone's secrets which made me a prime target for him and most people like the “Li Girls” and Mary’s brother and his friends. When I stood up he looked at me from top to bottom but thank God I had on a skirt that day which was not something I would wear on a regular school day but I’m glad I wore it anyways.
Then he made me sit back down like he was the boss of me, when I looked to my side my left side I noticed Jacob was looking at me when I looked back at him he blasted then looked away.

That kind of made me wonder if he liked me but I don't want to talk about that well yes I do his the whole reason why my life is such a mess in the first place. Jacob now that name makes me feel like I’m going to puke, I hate him so much to be for real I hate everyone now I know it's kind of mean but it's true what can I do about it just forgive everyone I haven't even forgiven myself yet. Man, I just hate the thought of how everything fell apart I should have known by how my friends were acting even though Lisa was trying a little harder to be my friend.

Let me tell you this if I was popular like Mary’s brother and his friends or the “Li Girls” everyone at school would be coming to me for anything the want to know about I mean I know that much test answers to who's cheating on who but to bad for everyone I like to keep everything to myself and that's the main reason some people don't like me I would say hate but it's kind of a mean word to use on myself right now.

Back to that dude Jacob that guy is just as mean as a girl who sketches up an ex-boyfriend's car, that's how mean he is and even more meaner than that plus I think Mary and Lisa were part of “The plan” as I recall that's what they called it to get back at me for not telling them the secrets I had heard.
You might think that's stupid but that's how it is at my school you have to support each other but for me it was and still is different I only cared about myself well coming to think of it another reason why most people didn’t like me is because I have never and I mean never in my life at that school have I had a grade below an “A+” yep that's me I don't stalk teachers or anything I just know stuff that's how I was made I guess. So well Mary and Lisa who I so called my only friends were not my friends at all as I told you were part of “The plan” of making my whole life turn “right up side down” when it was right side up.

You know what I liked the part better when I didn’t know I had no friends at all, the part where I didn’t have to find my seat at the back of the school, the part where I had a free seat just calling my name “come come and seat on me” now I have to seat in the girls restroom. Anyways that’s my life and I kind of wait I don't deserve it I was tricked and back to how I was tricked.

When I was waiting for my ride home Jacob came by me and said I heard you where having a little trouble in biology, then again I reminded him I was an honor student. “Well you have to have a partner for your biology project if you haven't already got one” and that was a true fact so I agreed but I really didn’t need a partner and he knew that and still I was all in not knowing what I was getting myself into but it was fun while it lasted right “WRONG”. The first time I knew something was going wrong is when he asked if he could see my diary even though I would have said yes I didn't I easily said I don't have one which was a lie and he knew it but the next day I invited him over so that we could work on the project all he was talking about was secrets and he told me his hoping I would tell him mine.

Crazy guy right? Yes he is, though at one point he almost made me tell him something but guess what I didn’t, good for me cause he had feedback on him, you know when a spy takes a little record thingy with them that's what he had. I tried not to say much but he was pushing most words out of me like when I started to like him but back to the topic I never in my life.... OK, sorry I just got off topic again I don't know why I keep on doing this I think it's because that group messed me up so bad I can't think, talk, or write straight.

The big yearly dance was coming up and I had plans that night and it was not going to end with me sitting in a big black chair all by myself. I was going to play video games the whole night with my neighbor Grace (even though she was two years younger than me), and those plans were final until Jacob out of the blues walks up to my door and asks “Are you ready?”. To tell you the truth, I kind of thought this would happen one way or another. By that time I was dressed in black PJ shorts, and a top that had my baby brother's puke on it and really weird socks, two different kinds of socks one I think was green with a bear which had golden clothes on and the other sock was orange with very colorful spots on it. He looked at me and asked “Is that what your wearing to the biggest dance of the year?” and the answer to that weird question was “hmm NO” I wasn't going and I told him that but guess what he just came in and went right to my room then my closet and started picking out clothes I again kept on saying I am not going to that stupid dance that's when he really got mad and said “what a stupid what”.

And all this was part of they plan to make me go and do what was they final step to they little stupid plan and then I felt bad and ended up going anyways but with my friend Grace. She had to leave early that night and I had to stay along because that guy Jacob lift me alone by myself on a chair while he went and talked to him friends when I joined them the all lift one by one first Mary then Lisa Mary’s brother and his other friend then Jacob just looked at me and walked away to go join Mary and Lisa. That really hurt I went to the restroom and just stayed there I called my mom but she said “honey just stay for awhile I’m coming”, and guess what she didn't even show.

But lucky for me when I called Grace she picked up her phone and asked her mother and BOOM I had a ride back home. Though it did make me wonder what had happened when I lifted and what was going to happen at school on Monday I hope they know I know what they are planing seeing that I know everything that happens at that school. If Jacob try's to act all nice to me I swear I will ignore him just like he had done to me that Friday night at the dance that goes for Mary and Lisa to not forgetting Mary’s brother and his side friend.

That Monday morning I walked right to my biology teacher and asked if I could work alone again on the project and he said yes to my surprise. The next thing I knew Jacob was walking crazy to my locker and asks me WHY I asks to work by myself and you know what I did I just walk right passed him like I didn’t even see him but first I locked my locker (of course). He pulled on my hand and I just jerked it off and ran into the girls restroom. But even though I thought everything was going to work out well when I went to biology class every single eye was on me why I really don't know or was it because Mary and her group had told every one another crazy lie I tried to brush it off and just work but again I kept on getting papers thorn at me some were notes and some had spit on them ewwww.
I asked the teacher if I could go to the restroom and this time he said NO just do your work. This seriously made me mad I quickly finished my work and asked again when he saw I had done it all he said and I quote '' go (side quote) I don’t know why you like the restroom that much” and just when those words came out I went back to my seat, I feel so mad and sad at the same time knowing no one liked me no one wanted to be my friend and no one even wanted to know the little truth about me I feet huge. If you don't know what I mean by huge so be it maybe I should try to fit it and be mean like the cool kids do. Or maybe I should try to be outgoing like some other kids do and I bit even if I do do those things I still wouldn't fit in.

it came to the conclusion that the only way I could stop all this hurt and barking from these so called people it to just kill myself I bit this will work I mean my mother sure wouldn't mind just having one kid plus my baby brother is.....
I really don't want to end that sentence it won't sound right.
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