The Protector | Teen Ink

The Protector

May 15, 2012
By Amanda Hillesheim, Comfrey, Minnesota
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Amanda Hillesheim, Comfrey, Minnesota
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Author's note: I wrote this for english class.

It was third hour when my whole life started to go to crap. I had just walked into the English room and sat at my table when the bell rang, and Mr. Rose got up to start today’s lesson; then he walked in.


“Sorry I’m late,” he said. “I got lost.”


“Go find a seat and try to follow along.” Of course the only open seat was at my table.

He sat down in the chair next to me and I couldn’t help but stare. He had black hair that went into his eyes a little. You could tell he worked out; he was by far the hottest guy in school, and we were a big school.


“Hi. Name’s Jace,” he said as he turned to me.


“Riley.”

He turned back and got out his notebook. I think our school decided not only to teach me about English but also self control ‘cause once he sat down I was gone. I was tuning out when Mr. Rose said, “Okay now get together with your partner and start discussing the assignment.”

Crap.

Of course this would happen; me completely spaced out and thinking about the boy sitting next to me, and then I have to actually face him. Great.


“Okay so what do you want to do our report on?”


“Report?”


“You weren’t listening where you?” he said laughing

Great, now he’s laughing at me; could I be anymore of a loser?


“ We can meet at my house after school today,” I said as the bell rang.


“Sounds good,” Jace said, and then walked down the hall. I couldn’t get this funny feeling out of my head. I was just thinking about what it was that was so special about Jace that made me feel the way I did, when the next thing I know, my books are all over the floor.


“I’m sorry,” said a deep voice. I looked up and saw this big guy with a day’s growth of beard and deep, dark black eyes. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into the janitor’s closet.


“Hey! What do you think your doing? Who do you think you are?”


“Listen you little brat, you better pay attention ‘cause I’m not going to repeat myself. Got it? Now where is it?”

I had no idea what this nut job was talking about, but it must have been important because I was scared out of my mind.


“Where is it?” he yelled. Then he grabbed my shirt and lifted me up the wall, and that is when I almost peed myself.

My voice shook as I said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He got really close to my face and that’s when I got a good look at his face. He was covered in gross looking burn scars, which made his face look shiny from all the scar tissue.


“Your mother took it from me and I want it back.”


“My mom? Wait, what?” My confusion broke through my fear. “What does she have to do with anything?”


“Ya, you know the lady with the bright red hair? Tall? Has a horrible attitude? In a way she reminds me of you.”


“You must have the wrong person mister. My mom has brown hair, so obviously this is just one big misunderstanding. Why don’t you just let me go, and we can forget this ever happened.”

He laughed, dark and sinister, “Oh you have got to be kidding me. You don’t know?”


“Know what? What the heck are you talking about? Did you escape from an insane asylum because that would explain a lot!” I was basically shouting at the end from hysteria. I needed to find a way to get past this crazy guy and out of this stupid closet.


“Artemis, you nit-wit.”


“You mean like the Greek Goddess? What about her?” I wasn’t really paying attention, because I was too busy looking around for escape routes, so his reply really threw me off.


“She’s your mother. Do you want me to draw you a friggin’ diagram?”

It took me a while to digest what he said, and boy, when I did I laughed. I laughed so hard tears gathered in my eyes. But then something weird happened, and yes even more weird then some crazy creep grabbing me and hauling me into a closet to accuse me of things. Everything on the walls started shaking.


“See, told you so!” He yelled in triumph.


“What are we five?” I asked even though I was freaking out of my ever-loving mind. “What did you just do? You’re just screwing with me. You’re crazy!”


“Oh, you’ll soon find out. Tell your mom I said hi.” Then he was just “poof’” gone.

I was so scared and confused I stood in the closet trying to figure out what just happened. I had no idea what that guy was talking about. “He’s crazy,” I told myself, “That’s it.”

As I opened the door I almost clipped someone with the door.


“I am so sorry!” I turned around, and of course it was Jace.

With a concerned look on his face he asked, “Are you okay? You look a little pale.”

I wasn’t sure about how much I wanted to tell him, but he just gave me that feeling that I could tell him anything.


“Do you want to get out of here?” I know you’re all probably thinking whoa gutsy move, but come on people I was just basically threatened. Cut me a little slack.

His answer is what surprised me though. He smiled and said, “Sure.”

As we walked down the cramped hallway filled with lockers and posters, I couldn’t help but notice how close he was walking next to me. When we got outside and walked down the stairs of Red Valley High, I couldn’t help but look back and get the feeling that my life had just changed forever.


“Not that I mind ditching school, but do you wanna tell me what brought on this sudden adventure?”

We walked to the park in Town Square, and I plopped down on a park bench and sighed, “Where do I begin? It’s going to sound crazy.”


“Sane is boring,” he replied with a slight smile.

He had a nice smile, with little dimples that made his face look younger, but he also had a very solemn look about him. I was just about to tell him about what happened in the closet when the world started spinning. When I got my bearings straight I realized I was in some kind of temple. There was a bathing pool with a little waterfall and everything was white; it was like standing on a cloud.


“What the heck just happened?”

I hadn’t noticed that Jace was here with me until he spoke.


“You’re at my temple.” A women wearing a white robe walked in. She was beautiful; she had long wavy bright red hair and a flawless face.


“And where would that be?” asked Jace.


“Mount Olympus,” she replied, like it was an obvious answer.


“Is there something in the water? What’s with all the crazy people? Hell, I must be crazy! Let me guess, you magically zapped me to Mount Olympus to tell me you’re Artemis, and you’re my mother,” I blurted out.


“Yes, that’s basically everything I was going to tell you. I wanted to wait until you got older, but Loki ruined that, like he ruins everything.” The way that “Artemis” said this was like it was basic knowledge, and it wasn’t completely crazy. I stared dumbfounded at her.


“I know what you’re probably thinking, ‘She’s insane,’ but please, pay attention, because this is important. About seventeen years ago I had an affair with a Greek Warrior named Scratus and you happened. At the time there was a war going on and we needed to create the perfect weapon. That would be you. Loki was defeated once, and it’s your job to do it again.”


“Okay, so say this is all true. How do you expect me to defeat him?”

She held up a bowl and said “With this.” The bowl didn’t look that special just a wooden one that looked like an antique or something.


“And that would be?” I didn’t know how one simple bowl could defeat someone supposedly as evil as Loki.


“This bowl is what helped keep him locked up the first time he was defeated. He was chained and bound and a snake was placed above him. Its venom would gather in the bowl and when it overflowed the venom would leak out onto him.”

I leaned over and whispered to Jace, “So that’s why he was so ugly.”

He smiled at me again, God I loved it when he did that. I was busy fantasizing what it would be like to kiss him when Artemis pulled me out of my daydream and said “Riley it’s your job to make sure Loki does not get this bowl.”


“Why is the bowl so important?” Jace asked “What does it do that would cause Loki to win?” Did he actually believe all this crap?


“This bowl was the main reason he was trapped and if he gets this he will be able to enslave Zeus, and all will be lost.”

Okay, that’s it I thought, I’m gonna nip this fictional story right at the bud. “Prove all this is true,” I challenged.

Artemis’s reply ticked me off, “You all ready have. This explains the man who pulled you into the closet, which was Loki in case you didn’t get that, and what happened when everything started shaking; that was you. Whenever you feel a strong emotion your powers will probably show up, but once you have control of them you will be quite powerful. Now go, and protect this with your life.”
She handed me the bowl. It felt cold and smooth in my hands, and it gave me a sense of dread. Then my world started spinning again and Jace and I were back on the park bench.
Nothing looked any different: birds were still chirping, and kids were running around playing and laughing. Even though nothing looked different, everything felt different. Jace and I sat on the bench in silence for a long time, trying to digest what had happened.
Jace finally broke the silence, “Well that was interesting. I don’t seem to recall taking any drugs, but that was just way too weird for it to be real.”

“What am I suppose to do now?” My voice cracked from being silent for so long.

“I guess we keep this thing away from Loki,” he replied while picking up the bowl.

“We?” I asked.

“Well I’m not just gonna leave you to do this by yourself, besides we have a report to do,” he said with a smile. Warmth and appreciation spread through me. He was actually going to help me even when it wasn’t his problem. I surprised myself when I leaned over, kissed him on the cheek, and said, “Thank you.”
He gave me that smile again and grabbed my hand to help me up. Tingles spread all through my hand where we were touching; he must have felt it too because he was looking at me. I didn’t understand why a guy like him would ever like a girl like me. I mean I wasn’t ugly or anything like that, with my long black hair, bright green eyes, and slender build, I was average, and he was so not.
We started walking again, both lost in our own thoughts, when a snake slithered right by my feet. I shrieked like a little girl and tried to avoid it, but where ever I went the snake followed. It was so creepy; I didn’t know why it was doing it.
When we got to my house I couldn’t force myself to walk through the door. Jace didn’t say anything he just waited for me to make my decision on wether to face my mom or not. That’s one of the things I loved about him, he understood that sometimes you need to figure things out by yourself.

“I don’t know how I’m suppose to face her after everything I’ve learned,” I finally said, “I can’t just go in there and pretend everything’s normal. I’m seventeen and she never thought to mention that I’m adopted.”

“I can’t imagine what you must feel right now, but I’m sure she had a good reason for not telling you. I may have just met you, but I feel like I’ve known you my whole life, I’m sure you’ll do what’s right.”

I was silent for a while thinking about what he said.

“I feel the same way about you,” I said feeling a light blush crawl up into my face,
Jace leaned toward me and I knew he was going to kiss me. Then I heard the door open.

“Oh I’m sorry. I thought I heard someone out here,” my mother said trying to figure out what she just interrupted. Jace and I sprung apart and looked at each other.

“I’ll see you tomorrow to work on our report?” I asked though I knew we would probably never get to the report.

“Yeah. Park again? Noon?”

“Sounds good,” I said as he turned and walked down my walkway. I closed the door and turned around to face my mom. It was just my mother and I. She told me that my dad had left when I was younger, but now I’m starting to wonder.

“Do you have any homework?” She asked.

“Yeah,” I said walking up the stairs, even though I really didn’t. I just couldn’t look her in the eye, knowing she’d lied to me half my life.
“Riley, just be careful with that boy. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
I turned around to look at her and saw a hint of sadness on her face. I didn’t reply, I just turned back around and jogged up the rest of the stairs.
Once in my room I dropped my backpack containing the bowl at the foot of my bed. I had no idea what I was going to do now. I went over to my desk, started my computer and opened up the search engine. Once everything was loaded I typed in Loki and clicked search. I figured I might as well do something useful.
The first website I went to told me that he was convicted of the murder of Balder, another Norse God, that’s when he got trapped, and when they used the bowl with the venom. The second site I checked told me that Loki was a trickster and a shape shifter; one of his forms was a snake. It reminded me of the snake that was following me and how weird it had been.
By the time I was done on the computer it was 10:30. I changed into my PJ’s and got into bed, dead tired. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
When I woke up I could just see the sun peeking over the hills. I looked over at my clock and saw it was 7 in the morning, on Saturday. I got up and took a shower because falling back asleep was a lost cause. The warm water felt amazing on my tense muscles.
After my shower and breakfast it was nine. I decided to call Jace and see if he wanted to meet earlier.

“Hello?” He asked with a sleep-ridden voice.

“I’m sorry did I wake you?” I asked.

“Riley? No it’s cool. What’s up? Did something happen?” he asked with concern and a little fear.

“No no everything’s fine.” I said quickly. “I was just wondering if you wanted to meet earlier, but if you want to go back to sleep that’s fine.”

“No that’s fine just let me get dressed. I’ll meet you at the park.”

“Okay see ya there,” I said as I hung up.
Walking to the park was relaxing. The air was nice and cool, and there was morning dew on the grass. It made it feel like my whole world wasn’t turned upside down.
I hadn’t been sitting on “our” bench very long when he walked up. He was wearing hole-ridden jeans with a black t-shirt, leather jacket, and black combat boots. His black hair was tousled all over the place; it looked good on him.

“So what are we doing today? Any other Greek Goddesses you want to introduce me to?” He said with a smile.
I laughed “God I hope not.”

“Here come follow me,” he grabbed my hand and dragged me from the bench. His hand was warm in mine and I had a total girl thought about how he was holding my hand.

“Where are we going?”
He turned and looked at me with a smug look on his face, “I’m taking you out on a date.”
My heart jumped a little. We continued walking, when we got to Main Street we took a right heading toward the arcade.

“Oh no.” I said stopping. “I suck at arcade games.

“Come on ill go easy on you,” Jace said as he continued to drag me down the street. We walked through the door and he led me to the air hockey table. “But just a heads up I’m amazing at this game.”
I grabbed onto the red paddle bumper things while Jace put in a dollar. It only took a little while to realize I was not very good at air hockey. After Jace won the first game by 9 points he decided to show me a little mercy, and went a little easier on me. It was nice just having fun and laughing, not having to think about all the new things I had discovered within the past two days. With Jace I didn’t have to worry about me looking like a dork because I knew he didn’t care, that he liked me for me even with all the drama going on.
We finally quit air hockey and went to go sit down to get something to eat when someone grabbed me from behind and a hand clamped over my mouth.

“Okay are we going to this the hard way or the easy way just hand over the bowl.” A voice said right next to my ear. I instantly knew who it was, it was Loki.
Jace stood up from the table we sat at to eat and calmly said, “listen man why don’t you just put her down so we can talk about this like civilized people.”


“Ya I don’t think so man I’m not letting her go till she gives me the bowl.”

I was completely frozen trying not to make things any harder for Jace or me. I quickly scanned the area hoping maybe someone was around who could help us or call the police but I hadn’t been lucky before why would it start now.

My world started spinning again, and I was pretty sure it wasn’t Artimis coming to my rescue. When I was able to, I saw that Loki had transported me to a dark and gloomy cave. It was hard to see anything because there was so much fog but I could just make out three rocks jutting out of the cave floor. There was a tree above the rocks along with four separate chains connected to them.


“Why did you bring me here?” I had no idea how I was going to get myself out of this mess. As I was looking around trying to figure out where I was, I noticed the Jace wasn’t here with me. That thought somehow managed to make me more afraid then I already was.

Loki pulled the bowl out of my backpack that I had left it in and walked over to the rocks and started setting up some type of alter. He drew symbols onto the rocks that I couldn’t understand but I knew that they couldn’t be good.


“I brought you here to kill you. You’re my sacrifice to bring me to full power. Once that happens I will have all the power I need to defeat Zeus and finally I will be the one who rules.”

Understanding flooded through me. Before now I hadn’t quite understood how a bowl could defeat Zeus, but now that I did reality hit me like a sack of potatoes.

After Loki was done making his alter that I now knew was for my death he walked back over to me and grabbed me. The silly thought went through my head was that I was going to have so many bruises on my arm from all the times he had grabbed me. Then I realized it didn’t matter because I was going to die anyways.

He then dragged me over to the alter and took the chains and clamped them onto both my arms and legs. I struggled but then I realized it was pointless he was too strong. After he bound me Loki put on a blood red silk robe with diamond designs going around the edges. If I wasn’t about to die, and if the robe wasn’t apart of how that was going to happen, I might have actually like it.


“Well aren’t we looking pretty fancy. I should feel grateful that you decided to at least dress up for my death, and hey look at the bright side maybe my blood will blend in with the color of the robe.” My sarcasm was so thick that you could cut it with a knife.

He pulled a sharp, long wicked looking dagger out of his robe and I screamed. He back handed me and yelled “Shut up!”

I tried not to move as he traced the tip of the dagger along my skin but I couldn’t help but shiver. Loki moved to my arm and cut a long slash down the middle of my forearm. I screamed again and he stopped cutting me long enough to bring the knife up to my face.


“Scream again and I’ll cut out your tongue.”

I clamped my mouth shut and tried to breathe through the pain but a whimper couldn’t help but escape my mouth. He grabbed the bowl and put it under my arm so the blood was now flowing into the bowl.

There was a bright flash of light that blinded me, and when I looked over I saw Jace standing at the entrance of the cave.


“Let her go!” Jace screamed at Loki and ran toward him, and in his hand was a battle sword.

I was scared for Jace more then myself because while I may be the one dieing Loki could do so many worse things to Jace. I could slowly feel myself becoming less aware and I was trying to keep my eyes open. I needed to help Jace.

Loki lifted his hand and Jace flew across the cave and hit one of the walls with a loud thunk. I couldn’t help it I screamed again but not in fear for me, but for Jace. Jace lay on the cave floor in a heap, and I couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not.

I started shaking and suddenly I felt a tug at my legs. I looked down with the strength I had left and saw that my ropes were slowly untying themselves. I had no idea how it was happening but I didn’t care all I could think about was Jace laying on the floor.

My ropes were almost undone when Loki came back. I stopped moving hoping he wouldn’t notice that my binds were now almost completely undone.


“There that should be enough.” He said with satisfaction.


“What did you do to Jace? Is he still alive? I asked


“It wont matter in a few minutes I may have all the blood I need to come to my full power but you will still die.”


“What do you need the blood for? How does it give you back your powers?” I asked hoping to understand more so I could maybe defeat him better. They say knowledge is power and I was hoping that was true.


“Your mother is the reason my powers were taken away, and I was defeated the first time. Its with her blood that I will return to my full strength again and isn’t it just your luck that you just happen to be it.”

I was kinda figuring out what he was hinting at but I was really hoping I was wrong. Then Loki confirmed my fears.


“I need to drink your blood. Your blood has all the power I need because in this world blood is the essence of power.”

Okay. Yuck. I couldn’t imagine drinking someone’s blood but he was obviously desperate. Now that I knew what exactly brought him to power I needed to make sure that he didn’t come anywhere near the bowl.

Loki was just close enough to where I could maybe manage to hurt him and escape with Jace and get him help. My ropes were fully untied now and I kicked out with all my might and hit him in the groin. He dropped to the floor and I managed to sit up through my dizziness and fatigue and stagger over to Jace. I checked his pulse and I could just barely feel the thumping of it. I didn’t try to move him just incase he had broken anything.

I heard Loki groaning and I turned around slowly that way I wouldn’t fall over.


“You little twerp! Do you know how much that hurt?”

I held up my arm with the gash, “The feeling is mutual.”


“Why couldn’t you have been a good little girl and just died! But no you have to be just like your mother don’t you.”

While he was ranting I slid my hand slowly over to the sword Jace had dropped. I grabbed it and stood up. The sword felt heavy in my hand but I still managed to hold it up in a threatening manner.

Loki laughed. “ Oh isn’t this just cute. You actually think you can kill me.”

The comment made me mad. What did he think just because I was a girl I couldn’t kill him. I may be wounded but I could still kick his butt. I was wishing that he would get a taste of his own medicine when he flew into the wall just like he had done to Jace.

I had gotten more of my strength back and was able to run over to the bowl and grab it. I then went back to where Jace lay and set it down.


“What do you think your doing with that?” Loki asked. I could have been imagining it but he sounded a little scared.


“Im going to make sure that this never happens again.” I stood over the bowl and brought the sword down on top of it. The bowl made a loud noise and then split in half. My blood spread all through out the floor and some of it managed to splatter on to my face.


“What did you just do! You ruined everything!” He stalked over to me so fast I could barely see him and hit me hard across the face that I saw stars.

I could taste blood in the back of my mouth. When I stood up again I was so angry that my body had started vibrating again. This is what Artimis must have been talking about when she mentioned my powers. That’s when I figured out that all this time I had been the one who untied my ropes, who made Loki fly across the room, it had always been me.

When I realized this I had more confidence. I held up my hand and made a pushing motion. Loki slammed back against the wall so hard that the whole cave vibrated. Loki had blood running down his face from the gash at the top of his head.


“Your not powerful at all. Your just a big bully.” I said as I pinned him against the wall with my power so he couldn’t move.

That was when there was another bright flash and when I looked over I saw Artimis standing over Jace.


“Can you help him? Please?” I asked her.

She crouched over and touched Jace’s face, and his whole body started to glow. He sat up with a gasp. “What just happened?” he looked over at me “Oh my god! Are you okay? He asked shocked when he saw all the blood.
I ignored Jace's question and turned my head toward Artimis. “Get him out of here please. I don’t want him in anymore danger.”

Jace looked like he was about to complain but Artimis was to fast for him, they flashed out of the cave. Now that I didn’t have to worry about him anymore I turned back toward Loki. My focus was all on him.


“You can’t defeat me. I’ll always be around. Weather it be here or in your nightmares.”

I started to feel a pulse in my power. It felt like someone was pushing back at me but I had no idea what it could be. That was when Loki managed to break free of my power and push off the wall. He ran at me and tackled me to the ground, and the sword went flying out of my hand.

Loki’s elbow went flying and hit me square in the nose. I heard a loud crack and pain erupted from my nose. Blood started gushing down my face and some was running into my mouth. I wrestled Loki off of me and I managed to roll away from him a little. I tried to crawl toward the sword hoping that I could maybe reach it. When the sword was at the tip of my fingers a hand wrapped around my ankle and pulled me back. I kicked out with my leg and made an impact with his face.

I tried to use my powers again but I couldn’t concentrate enough to control them. I was on my own for this battle and I didn’t know if I would be the one to come out on top.

I stood up and ran toward the sword again but a force wrapped around my waist and threw me towards the alter. I landed on it in a heap and the force from being thrown flipped me over. I had to think of a way that I could subdue him, and I had to think of it fast.

I look around on the floor and saw all the contents of Loki’s ritual scatter all about. That’s when I saw a shiny tip under the alter cloth, it was Loki’s dagger.

I could hear Loki coming up behind me so I couldn’t think about what I was about to do. I grabbed the dagger and rolled onto my back and saw Loki standing right above me. He started to grab for me and I quickly thrust the dagger upward, straight into his heart. I tried not to think about what I was doing, I just pushed harder trying to get past all the muscle and ribs.

Finally Loki dropped to the floor and I let out a giant sigh. Blood had gathered into a pool on the cave floor and my hands were covered in it. I was so scared from what happened that I hadn’t heard someone come up behind me.

A hand gently touched my shoulder, “You did good Riley.”

I turned around to see Artimis staring at me. I didn’t say anything back. I couldn’t believe she was congratulating me about killing a person, no matter how evil they were. Artimis turned and gestured to someone standing behind her, “Take him away. And make sure he doesn’t escape this time. No matter what.”

A big handsome man walked up to Loki’s body. “I’ll take care of it,” he said. He touched Loki and a big white light happened just like when Artimis had touched Jace.

My brain had started up again and I was be coming more coherent.


“Where are you taking him? Is he dead?”

Artimis glanced back at me; “He is being taken back to a new prison we made specially for him where his powers will be stripped.”


“Will it actually work this time? What if he escapes again?” I asked incredulously.


“He wont we will make sure this time. We wont make the same mistakes again.”

She bent down and started picking up all the discarded equipment from Loki’s sacrifice.


“We need to leave now. Come,” she held out her arm for me to grab onto.

She transported me back to the arcade and sitting at one of the tables was Jace. He stood up and I ran into his arms. We just stood there like that, our arms around each other and my head on his chest, for a while.


“You did good. I’m proud of you.” Artimis’s voice brought us out of our moment. “I’ll contact you again but for now I must go.”

She transported out, probably back to her temple. Once she was gone Jace and I started walking back to my house. I was still traumatized so it was a silent walk. Finally Jace broke silence, “Do you wanna talk about what happened back there in the cave?”

I didn’t answer for a long time, “It was horrible. I was so scared; I thought I was going to die. Then at the end when we were struggling to get the upper hand and I had to kill him….it was just awful.”

Jace stopped walking and turned to me and wrapped me into his arms. That’s when I started to cry. I let out all the hurt and pain that I was feeling. When I finally stopped crying I looked up into Jace’s face and his lips met mine. His lips felt warm and soft against mine, it was amazing. When we broke apart he smiled down at me and I smiled back. We continued walking down the street hand in hand. My house appeared and we walked down the walkway to my door.


“Thanks for everything you have no idea how much it means to me,” I said about ready to break into tears again but I had to be strong.


“I will never leave you alone. I promise.”

We kissed again and said our goodbyes. As he was walking back down the walkway I yelled out, “We will work on our report tomorrow, I promise, no distractions.”

He turned around and smiled at me, “You can count on it,” he said with a wink.

That following Monday we stood up in English class giving our synopsis of our report, it was about a Norse God named Loki.


“Loki was an evil God who wanted control.” Jace said looking at the class. “ He did a lot of horrible things and got away with a lot. But he also was punished in ways you can’t imagine. He was manipulative and sly but the thing about bad guys is that they never win, there will always be someone there to stop them,” he glanced back at me and gave me his million dollar smile that I loved so much. I smiled back and somehow I knew that no matter what happened in the future we would always have each other.



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This book has 2 comments.


S.E.Beiler said...
on Sep. 19 2017 at 8:03 pm
S.E.Beiler, Rexville, New York
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
This was a good story, I really thought the plot was a good idea. But I do have some suggestions: The relationship between Jace and Riley is super rushed. I get it, this is a short story, but at least have some time elapse, it just seemed so quick. You mention a snake that kept following her, later we find out that it is likely this is Loki in a shape shifting form, but so what? Nothing comes out of it and it just was a little confusing. Introducing Artemis was really quick and we didn't get to see what kind of character she really was. Also, Riley acts with a lot of attitude to her when I think the situation calls for shock. Sprinkled throughout where some typos and reptitive words that could easily be cleared up. In the cave scene I still don't know how Jace got there, or how he has a sword. At the end, Riley is distraught over killing Loki but Artemis consoles her by saying he won't escape from jail again, but after Riley is still in shock over killing someone. Also, I don't know how I feel about mixing Greek and Norse gods. I definetely think you should have brought in some more gods to make it feel more naturally, especially Norse, since Zeus was mentioned. And that's all! I do really think this would make a great longer story. Keep writing!

on May. 24 2012 at 5:04 am
BekahBekah BRONZE, Xian, Other
3 articles 0 photos 21 comments
Mmm.. I liked the main idea, though, how Riley was actually Artemis's daughter and stuff.. I think you should edit and lengthen it and actually make it into an actual story or a book, even. :)