Freedom

December 6, 2011
By Noni3280 BRONZE, Warrnambool, Other
Noni3280 BRONZE, Warrnambool, Other
3 articles 0 photos 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
Take each day as it comes.


Summary:

Suddenly, Ben comes running through the door like there’s no tomorrow, there’s something weird about him, I got to admit. “You’re late!, “ says Mr. Nickel. “Sorry, I didn’t know the time,” Says Ben. How could he not know the time, there is a giant clock on the front of the school building. There is something weird in his hair, I think it’s a feather or something. Strange. I wonder what he’s been up to? He has a book tucked under his arm but before I can see it he puts it in his bag.
The Bell rings and when I leave the room I stay next to the door and wait for Ben to come out. “Hi Ben, interesting entrance there,” I say. “What was that book you had under your arm?” He looks up with a weird grin, like he knows something he’s not telling me and starts to walk away. I follow him but he starts running. “Wait up!” I yell, almost out of breath. He turns a corner and ..... disappears? There is no one there. How could he just disappear like that? I call out his name a few times but no response. I see a book lying on the ground, it looks quite old. I pick it up carefully because it looks like it might break any second. I look around to see if someone dropped but still no one there, maybe it’s Ben’s book! When I look at the book I see something very strange. I am in the book!


Noni3280

Freedom


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This book has 3 comments.


on Dec. 12 2011 at 6:27 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1648 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

I have a bit of criticism.

1.  Your narrator seems like they are talking specifically to the reader, which can come off as immature or unprofessional.  Maybe you could eliminate comments like '...between you and me I can't believe she actually enjoys it.'

2.  A little more description of your characters would be nice and of their surroundings.

3.  You have a few run-on sentences, so you might want to check those out.  Commas can't hide the fact that some sentences just need to end.

I think this book has a lot of potential, so keep writing!


on Dec. 11 2011 at 12:26 am
Noni3280 BRONZE, Warrnambool, Other
3 articles 0 photos 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
Take each day as it comes.

thx, thats so sweet, hopefully i might one day. fingers crossed

Tess. said...
on Dec. 11 2011 at 12:11 am
Tess., Warrnambool, Other
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
When at first you dont suceed try try again.

Best book ever! I can see this scene in my head. Great job, teen ink shold but you in the mag!


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