Pulsing Blue - Part 1

May 6, 2011
By leaf44 PLATINUM, Rehoboth, Massachusetts
leaf44 PLATINUM, Rehoboth, Massachusetts
20 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense."
"Be careful, or you'll end up in my novel."


Summary:

Meaghan West is not normal. She can do things other people have only dreamed of. When her sister is kidnapped, she is willing to do anything to get her back. Needless to say, when she finds someone on the streets of Boston with the same telltale signs as the people who kidnapped her sister, she takes action. Soon she is swept away, on a trip across the country, in order to get her back. Then disaster strikes...


Alyssa C.

Pulsing Blue - Part 1


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This book has 4 comments.


on Jun. 16 2011 at 10:45 am
alyssa, i finished this.  soooo good.  email me the rest kay?

on Jun. 9 2011 at 2:36 pm
leaf44 PLATINUM, Rehoboth, Massachusetts
20 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense."
"Be careful, or you'll end up in my novel."

thanks so much, an yeah i know about the question marks and commas, i recintly fixed that.  And i didn't spill everything about her in the first few chapters.... just trust me on that.  Flashback part was interesting, think i might do that.  Yeah, i think it kind of goes to fast too, i was trying to work on that. - Again thanks for the comments i really apreciate it!

on Jun. 9 2011 at 1:03 pm
lovelycheese GOLD, Cupertino, California
11 articles 0 photos 136 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you have something to do, then do it. You can't get wasted time back." ~Ben Carson.

I'm super sorry for the late comment. At least school's out now. :]

So here are my thoughts: [I'm reading this as I go]

[] means add something; [/] means take it out.

 

- 'He checked his watch again[,] and increased his pace.' Don't forget the comma.

- 'She looked around fourteen[,] and had brown hair [with] striking blue eyes.' This description sounds slightly bland. Brown and blue are very generic terms. Cerulean blue? Chocolate brown? 

- 'The girl's gaze never left him [/].' Take out though. 

- Make sure you show, don't tell. How did the girl push off the wall? Did she slouch? Or was she quick and alert? 

- Since this seems to be in the man's point of view, tell us what he thinks of the girl. What are his reactions when she whispers something about his eyes? Maybe he flinched in surprise. Or he jerked his head away. 

- Very good portrayal of building tension. Great job on that. Next chapter.

- [Like] it was engraved into my DNA. 

- The third sentence basically repeats the first sentence. Might want to take that out. 

- Just a suggestion, but I think you shouldn't spill everything about the girl in the first couple of chapters. Instead of telling us she was quick on her feet, yet not very strong, show her winning a track meet. Or getting into a fight with a bully at school, and then losing because of her lacking strength. 

- I like your idea of the girl's ability to control fire. Kinda reminds me of my own. :]

- At the last paragraph, you can elongate it. Make it into a flashback, show us what the Main Character had actually felt. 

- I commend you on the last sentence. Very nice. Wraps up the chapter cleanly. 

- I have an idea. Take out the I can do this and that in the first chapter, and just put in the flashback. It leaves the reader to question the story, and want to delve deeper. 

- "Where is she[?]" I growled at him.

- He glanced around again[.] "I have…"

- "And what about you[?]" the waitress asked me politely.

- Remember the question marks, don't mistake them as a statement. It's a repeated mistake throughout the chapter. 

- Whoa. Okay. I think this story has plenty of potential. Your voice of the MC is actually quite developed. However I find the pulsing-eyed man hard to believe as a real character. Flesh him out a bit. I also think this story is accelerating too fast. Show us her abilities at school. Give us examples of how she can control all those elements. 

I think this is a fairly good story, and you have a great premise here. Good luck, and hope my comments helped! 


on May. 16 2011 at 6:15 pm
leaf44 PLATINUM, Rehoboth, Massachusetts
20 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense."
"Be careful, or you'll end up in my novel."

Would love and appreciate comments!!!


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