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Death's Assistants

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Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 Next »

DESIRAE

I have a growing paranoia. Ever since the incident, I’m terrified of losing anyone. My trick is to avoid getting attached and avoid the pain.
My day at work just seemed to grow worse, as heavy memories flooded my brain. That’s been happening a lot lately. I mindlessly scrubbed the table wiping away the evidence of spilled milk and crumbs. I crushed the napkin between my fingers and tossed it on top of the past day’s remains. I turned my head to the windows tinted with permanent dirt.
This is a sci-fi. It will become more obvious in later chapters.
You had to squint to see out of them, and the best view you got was the run down apartments with ancient bricks and boarded windows across the street. Big Bertha stumbled out wiping her hands on her old fashioned waitress costume which was busting at the seams. Her permed red hair flowed wildly down her back. The fluorescent lights gleamed in my eyes as they blinked on and off. They were most likely older than me. The diner’s constant smell of grease was extra noticeable today; it was starting to make my stomach churn. Big Bertha’s thick raspy voice boomed through the silence as she pulled away from the counter.
“Well that’s it for today.” She clapped her plump hands together, and smiled meekly. She handed me my tips, a thin wad of dollar bills, and shooed me out. She probably needed a smoke.
I didn’t mind leaving out into the overhang of darkness. I enjoyed the dark. I enjoyed being alone. The company of me, myself and I. You could almost smell the winter in the air with every breath as it bit at my nose. I slid my money in my pocket. The air danced against my skin, sending chills down my spine. I wrapped my arms up to my chest. The bus stop tempted me and my walk slowed. But the last thing I really wanted was to be cramped with a bunch of fat strangers, and have to pay for it.
Goose bumps sprouted across my skin and I clutched my sweatshirt closer. The air seemed to be growing more frigid and the walk seemed to be taking an eternity. The thin pathway appeared in my vision. You couldn’t see much further than a few feet, which would just lead to a continuous stretch of darkness. Liam showed me that path, it was a shortcut to our neighborhood – well is. My steps seemed to pound against the ground in the bleak silence. The small houses now emptying out. Just me and the pavement painted in potholes. A wired fence closed me in. Gusts of my breath spiraled in a wispy smoke standing out in the black. I patted down my messy brunette curls that I could feel verging out of control.
Without Liam – my brother’s company, this path seemed endless. Everything seemed endless without Liam’s company lately. But I didn’t need anyone’s help. My parent’s recommended therapy due to my “behavior changes”. I was never the perkiest kid on the block. I was never a girly girl, and I never really went out of my way to meet people. It was me. I liked me. Sometimes. They said I had been getting worst. Avoiding people, and being more of a smartass than ever. What’s wrong with that?
The dark lightened, emptying out to my neighborhood. My heart fluttered pleased to know I was finally approaching home. Warmth and not that I’d admit it, safety.
Man, did I speak too soon.
Heavy footsteps seemed to echo out of nowhere. Turning to just see a blank path, and then BAM! Nails dug into my arm and I was pushed into the fence. The man towered over me, and I struggled limply in his grasp. It wasn’t worth the effort – I was merely 5’2.
“Don’t make a sound.” The man threatened, his face was pale. His breath was stale against my frozen face. His contrasting chocolate brown eyes pierced through me. I was pinned. “Your life is about to change.” His voice cracked, his wide peach lips tuckered into a twisted smile. With that he was shoving me, my body slamming to the ground. I wheezed out hot air into the cold night, as my lungs seemed to compress.
Clammy hands gripped my wrists. They were thick, and the finger tips were layered with rigid nails that punctured my skin. My body was being jostled around like a rag doll. The pain flared, spreading like a wild fire. I felt warm liquid pool across my back. I limply moved my legs as I put most of my effort to keeping my eyes open and my head from bashing against the pavement. I looked up to see the man’s back, tall and muscular with broad shoulders. His hair was deep brown, and remained perfect throughout the attack.
I could have screamed. But the way his eyes glinted when he talked to me. Like something flashed in them to make my heart stop and chill my whole body over and send me tingling in fear. My arms felt sore as they were yanked in the air. My back was going numb, a sensation of pure pain crippling it over. I pulled my head up, it seeming to be a horrifically hard task just to keep myself from passing out. I bit my chapped lips masked with lip balm and opened them leaving them hanging with no trace of sound. I couldn’t get my voice out as I kept picturing the man staring me down. The only sound was my thudding heart so loud and quick that it seemed as if it was trying to fling out of my body.
My eyesight was leaving me. The edges of my vision blurring, refocusing, and then blurring as my head smashed against the pavement. I couldn’t think. I struggled again only causing more pain to erupt, sending me spiraling into a daze of black. I could hear the man’s heavy footsteps – and then nothing. I was in an unconscious downfall.
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 Next »


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This book has 20 comments. Post your own!

NavishJaved said...
May 6, 2011 at 8:40 pm:

Hi! I love these kinds of stories. :) I love your writing style, and the way you wrote your story.

 

Lemme tell you, the details were just awesome. A little too awesome, hmm? Yep! I felt like the descriptions definitely overpowered the beautiful story you had in mind. Yes, that's the same mistake I do.

 

Also, I noticed a pattern in your writing. After the word "said", you add a description.

For example, you wrote, "I said, her eyes telling me s... (more »)

 
TheCreepyNeighbor replied...
May 11, 2011 at 6:15 am :

Thanks! Everything is really helpful except for where you talk about the mental hopsital white.

You know, like mental hopsital. . . pysch ward, etc.

 
NavishJaved replied...
May 11, 2011 at 5:00 pm :
For that, you could have said, "The walls were white as if they were from the phys. ward." The way that you're saying it, sort of portrays that the hospital was mental.
 
TheCreepyNeighbor replied...
May 11, 2011 at 5:14 pm :
The hospital isn't mental itself, this isn't personification. He;s comparing it to a mental hospital.
 
LiteraryMastermind replied...
Mar. 9, 2012 at 6:19 am :
I agree with The Creepy Neighbot on this one.
 
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Timekeeper This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 19, 2011 at 10:25 pm:

Awesome new chapter, I'm looking forward to more. How many different protagonists are going to get the first person treatment?

The only complaint I really have is that the word dark is used to frequently as an adjective, or at least too close to itself in succession.  Other than that though, it's a sweet novel.

 
TheCreepyNeighbor replied...
Apr. 20, 2011 at 7:25 am :
One more. The three main characters switch POV's.
 
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SirChadington said...
Apr. 14, 2011 at 3:15 pm:
I really like this! Keep up the amazing work!
 
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ArtemisH said...
Apr. 9, 2011 at 9:09 pm:

Wow!! Great character development. I feel like I already know your characters!! You have an amazing talent with description and character development, keep up the good work!!

~Artemis

P.S. Is Liam her older brother?

 
Midnight_Hum This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 10:19 am :
I want to say first, that I like the idea of killing people by the snapping of fingers.  I think that is clever and has never been done before (at least, I have never heard it). It is hard to tell you exactly what I think because this is only the first chapter, so the characters aren't super developed yet. You didn’t shy off being descriptive, but I felt that you were a little TOO descriptive.  In all of the best stories, you FEEL the characters, not just see them.  I felt... (more »)
 
TheCreepyNeighbor replied...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 2:30 pm :
Thank you! It was good to get some constructive critism. I will be putting those in use.
 
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lucybrown97 said...
Apr. 5, 2011 at 1:25 pm:
Great job, your use of detail is excellent.  And there was also a lot of great foreshadowing, I just knew something bad was going to happen to her as I read.  Keep up the great work, It'd be cool to see what happens next!
 
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Osvaldo_CThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 4, 2011 at 7:53 pm:
I liked it. It had so much detail, so much emotion.
 
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AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 4, 2011 at 9:16 am:
This is really good Kat! I love the detail!  The only thing I would change is the narrative tone in the beginning - it seems like she's trying to explain and be mysterious at the same time.  Maybe show her mood through emotions and flashbacks, rather than telling about it. Just a thought. :) This is really good - I hope you continue!
 
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Hotaru said...
Apr. 2, 2011 at 6:41 pm:
Kat! You said this was disgraceful. Liar, liar pants on fire!! It was written very well. It had a nice flow and nothing confused me. I want to read more!!!!!!
 
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BrielleM-JustAnotherOwl- said...
Mar. 31, 2011 at 7:40 pm:

This was really great! I'm glad I found it! The detail in the whole piece, especially when she's getting attacked, makes it very vivid and enjoyable. & I think that the guy's contrasting looks to what he does to her seems kind of fitting & unpredictable. Why does the guy have to look mean to be mean?

Anyway, great job & I'm really looking forward to the rest of it (especially with the Sovereign, since I know a bit about them now)! (:

 

 
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Timekeeper This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 23, 2011 at 7:37 pm:

I'm really looking forward to the rest of the science fiction elements to come out in the later chapters--let me know when you update it!

The details and the flow of the first chapter really fit very nicely, it definitely has the "introductory" aspects to it.

 
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Emmaline2 said...
Mar. 23, 2011 at 4:43 pm:

i like it...my only problem is that u switch back and forth from present to past tense! also I agree with arsenictruffle! when I read '...His contrasting chocolate brown eyes...' I thought...idk what I thought...but not that he would hurt her...when i think of chocolate I think loving, and kind! you should definately choose different adjectives! I like it though! Keep writing! :)

~Emmaline~

 
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arsenictruffle said...
Mar. 22, 2011 at 12:03 pm:

Very nice. You're developing your characters quite well with very few words. I love the building suspense and the detail in which you describe the diner.

Minor critiques: "Big Bertha" is a little cliche. I know you're only at the beginning of this but I would consider another name. Also, (again very minor) when you describe the attacker, he has "chocolate brown eyes" and "peach lips." Chocolate and peaches convey a feeling of warmth that I am not sure you are trying to achieve in the d... (more »)

 
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youngpilot said...
Mar. 21, 2011 at 2:54 pm:
this is a supenseful start, and it certinaly something that should be continued. i really liked the details, just enough to make it easy to understand but not so much that it hinders the story:) good job.
 
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