Celestial

December 28, 2010
By lovelycheese GOLD, Cupertino, California
lovelycheese GOLD, Cupertino, California
11 articles 0 photos 136 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you have something to do, then do it. You can't get wasted time back." ~Ben Carson.


Summary:

Celestials and their ancient legacy have disappeared with time's passing.
Summer is one of the last remaining Celestials in the entire land of King Lance and King Slade. Once she's discovered and brought before King Slade, her Element - Fire - is taken advantage of. While Summer's being juggled between two Kingdoms, no one notices as a third Kingdom arises.
And who is the King? Not a man. It's Summer's long lost mother.
Stuck in between the Kingdoms, it's up to Summer to decide the fate of all the Kingdoms - once and for all.


lovelycheese

Celestial


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This book has 242 comments.


on Sep. 22 2011 at 9:42 pm
lovelycheese GOLD, Cupertino, California
11 articles 0 photos 136 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you have something to do, then do it. You can't get wasted time back." ~Ben Carson.

Thank you!

on Sep. 22 2011 at 9:39 pm
lovelycheese GOLD, Cupertino, California
11 articles 0 photos 136 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you have something to do, then do it. You can't get wasted time back." ~Ben Carson.

Actually, the mythological part was what I was trying to stray away from. Frankly that matter doesn't interest me, but I was looking for a challenge to instill some modernized things into a story along with fantasy and paranormal elements. 

The Great Arks? Gates legend? I've never heard of them. I've just started high school, so it might be a while before I actually learn about that stuff. Unless you're talking about the National Treasure movie or something... Haha, I'm joking. Thanks for the input. 


on Sep. 22 2011 at 9:34 pm
lovelycheese GOLD, Cupertino, California
11 articles 0 photos 136 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you have something to do, then do it. You can't get wasted time back." ~Ben Carson.

I understand.

Could you be more specific? Which parts of the story did not appeal to you? The general idea of fantasy, or the characters, the plot...? If you gave me some more details, I could definitely fix some things up.

But I was just wondering, if you didn't like fantasy (and it seems so, excuse me for assuming) what brought you to this story? I was hoping by clearly stating "Kingdom" and "Celestials" that it would give the potential reader an idea of which genre this book would fit in. I usually prefer to critique books that fall in my favorite genres to read. 

But as always, thank you for taking the time to read.


Dracose123 said...
on Sep. 22 2011 at 9:21 pm
im sorry it just didn't appeal to me i couldn't get hooked on it and also this is a actual mythalogical based book right? because how you described Celstials you desrcibed the Great Arks and Gates legend about the race of the Gaurdians of time thats what this reminds me of but it sounds more E.T. than mythical to me.

on Sep. 22 2011 at 9:15 pm
I'm sorry but I just didn't care for this book that much i hope you can understand but I really wish i could say i liked it but I just couldn't get as hooked on it as my other favorite on here its not bad just not very appealing to me. Maybe you should try giving a little more reality but keep it fiction ya know? or give some more paranormal to it maybe? But anyway keep it up I think you may have a book that may interest me one day. ;)

on Sep. 16 2011 at 5:13 pm
juliam PLATINUM, Windermere, Florida
21 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things

TADAHH!

I'm sorry if that was confusing (it probably was). Sorry! And I'm sorry about the all-caps. it wouldn't let me italicize.

Anyways…

That’s my review. I hope it’s detailed enough (:P) and that it helps. Of course, you don’t HAVE to review my story, but if you want to/have time to, it’s not up yet. Well, what I mean by that it I just submitted it today, and it’s “pending acceptance” or something like that. I have shorter stories, but those were written like, a year ago, and I’m not too fond of those. If you’d like to review my story, I can post here when it’s ready. If not, no pressure, at all.

I hope you like your review :)

Oh! And your story is good. I know that, in the review, we become to nit-picky that we loose the sense of the story on the whole sometimes. I know I don’t say many good things either… but the bad things are so minor! I think that, more than anything, you need to focus on MORE. More writing (not more chapters, but within the chapters). Fatten it up, give it LIFE.

But, even without more, this story is extremely good :)


on Sep. 16 2011 at 5:12 pm
juliam PLATINUM, Windermere, Florida
21 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things

part three part two: 

“It didn’t matter to the King anyway,” It most CERTAINLY does! Dead Celestials are gone, forever. Hiding Celestials are only plotting to regain power and kill the King. I’d say it matters.

“Rebellions struck out. War arrived.” I like this.

“King Alastair was shocked. What had he done wrong? Quickly, he assembled his own army to fight the villagers.” I don’t like this.

Slade became ruler. Slade rules peacefully. War has ended, the Kingdom(s) are happy.

“How could they survive? Where could they go?” Blah.

A glade can be large, yes. But how large does a glade have to be to support an entire  VILLAGE of villagers that are afraid of the forest SURROUNDING them?

“No child of the Creator…” They think Summer is human, do they not? And Celestials are children of the Creator, are they not? Are humans also children of the Creator? This is a little ambiguous/confusing… just think about it.

Again, the history is good and necessary, but not very exciting. Maybe put in some action of what Summer is doing as she’s thinking this? She’s about to shoot her bow at a deer when she remembers where she got it… *cue memory of merchants. Or… something like that maybe?

If the villagers live in the forest than the live in the middle of a harsh and unforgiving land… in which it is almost a fight to survive. That idea of no woman fighting would make sense in a normal village, but I feel that it is out of place in this one. Just saying.

“like a bright wildflower sticking out from a sea of orderly tulips.” Fa-vo-rite line. This made me smile. A lot. I like this description. A lot. It’s clever. A lot (grammatically incorrect, I know).

“She’d never be accepted…” how old was she when they found her? Young. A young, little, pretty helpless girl. Sure, she might not never be ONE of them, but after seven years, I think she’s accepted. Or even someone like Summer would go crazy. Unless, of course, she’s already met her secret boy and he’s in the woods and he’s her best friend and he hunts with her… (I’m rambling, forgive me.) Point is, they might not completely adore her. But they probably accept her. Unless they have a VERY good reason not to.

“But Mira acted oblivious to the villager’s intolerance toward Summer.

But even seven years later, nothing had changed.” Two sentences starting with but: not good. One, alright. Two back to back? No. Anyways, I don’t like these sentences. Why would Mira act oblivious? There seemed to be love and caring between the two… why would Mira not mention it? Is it because she didn’t think she could change it? Because she put herself before Summer (as no mother should)… why?


on Sep. 16 2011 at 5:12 pm
juliam PLATINUM, Windermere, Florida
21 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things

Part three part one: 

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the beginning. Those three sentences? That anaphora? Simply wonderful.

“Mira had told Summer this story once some years ago,” AND ALTHOUGH SHE REFUSED TO SPEAK OF IT AGAIN… “Summer had committed it to memory. It was the only time Mira openly talked about the Kingdoms.” Without something in the middle, the but is completely unnecessary and awkward and weird.

Hehehe fat man. I love fat men in novels. You did a good job with your fat man.

This might sound weird to you… but bear with me. I know that you just spent a chapter describing the history (and very cleverly as well, with the “story”) but I think you need to go farther back. It seems kind of odd, to me, that there would be a kingdom that is so split by a forest that it is cut into “two perfect halves.” How were the two halves joined? Why have they not separated? Was there a king before, a benevolent and loved ruler that, with the will of the people, brought the two kingdoms together? Was it, perhaps, the Celestials that brought the two together (and will Summer do the same)? Ask yourself these, even if you don’t have anywhere to put them just yet. I’ve noticed that, in writing, you need to have a firm, complete and total understanding of WHERE your character is, ESPECIALLY in fiction and science fiction. Without it, your writing is invariably weaker because, without it, your character doesn’t TRULY have a home.

“This trait of King Alastair’s was trouble when it came to Celestials.” This sentence doesn’t make much sense to me. What trait?

The Celestials description/King Alastair’s “it occurred to King Alastair one day…” are good paragraphs.

HaHA! I see what you did there. With the whole “Alastair was a demon” and he got rid of the Celestials, who were made by the “Creator”. Clever, clever. Not many people (if any at all) will get that allusion, but it is a sound one. :)


on Sep. 16 2011 at 5:10 pm
juliam PLATINUM, Windermere, Florida
21 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things

Second chapter part one: 

“…emerald into her fist and closed her amber…” I like the color in this. I like color. Colors are pretty. And they’re excellent in stories, I think. Colors can’t be described, but they describe so much.

“The glimmer of the fire, a glimpse of a –“ this frustrates me. But again, that’s a good thing. If (if) it’s a reference to that boy, maybe put that, just one word or one feature alluded to or mentioned in the previous chapter, to link it to the boy. That will leave the reader begging for more. Of course, if it’s not the boy, ignore me. And, if it is the boy, HE BETTER BE A LOVE INTEREST. 


on Sep. 16 2011 at 5:08 pm
juliam PLATINUM, Windermere, Florida
21 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things

Second chapter part one: 

Problem: in the first chapter, you say that the pendant is a ruby pendant. In the second, you say “the emerald green” of the pendant. 


on Sep. 16 2011 at 5:08 pm
juliam PLATINUM, Windermere, Florida
21 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things

Second Chapter part one: 

I don’t like this sentence: “It wasn’t a pleasant sensation - eerie and uncomfortable.” We know what a not pleasant sensation is. If you want, liken it to something else in the novel “it wasn’t a pleasant sensation – much like when someone would take a second, unwelcome look at Summer.” Or… something like that anyways. See what I mean? Kinda?


on Sep. 16 2011 at 5:08 pm
juliam PLATINUM, Windermere, Florida
21 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things

Second chapter part one: 

More description of the room? I feel that, in a story, there can never be too little description. That might be just me, but I feel that, the more you describe a place, the more the reader “sees” it, the more they can put themselves there… and the more they can love the character that is in that same situation. So… I mean, you description of the room is GOOD and solid, but it could (could) be more (colors, shapes, shadows, etc). 


on Sep. 16 2011 at 5:07 pm
juliam PLATINUM, Windermere, Florida
21 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things

Second chapter part one: 

Umm… ambiguous with the pulsing pendant thing. If that’s what you want, then it’s good, but if I were you, I’d explain it relatively quickly. I know that keeping readers in the dark sometimes builds suspense, but sometimes it looses readers. Just… keep that in mind. Certain things you can keep ambiguous for long amounts of time, and I guess this COULD be kept quiet for a while… it’s up to you really. 


on Sep. 16 2011 at 5:07 pm
juliam PLATINUM, Windermere, Florida
21 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things

Second chapter part one (it won't let me post!)

I'm going to do this paragraph by paragraph... so bear with me please!

Again, I like the first sentences. Your starts are really strong. 


on Sep. 16 2011 at 5:04 pm
juliam PLATINUM, Windermere, Florida
21 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things

Second Chapter part 2:

Love, LOVE, the description of Mira.

The dialogue between Mira and Summer is excellent. You know, a lot of people have problems writing dialogue, but I happen to think that you did a stellar job. Their conversation really shows their interesting relationship, especially in the beginning.

More description between the dialogue. Describe the cornbread, the table, the woods… Put US there with Summer.

“Oh for the love of Nature” <-- this makes me happy

“Believe me, it could have been worse.” That’s a really stupid thing for summer to say. Maybe mention summer’s realization that it was a stupid thing to say. It might even be interesting to mention her saying that BEFORE Mira reacts. That would only solidify the readers perception that they know each other incredibly well.

I don’t know why, but I like this “It was silent a moment. Summer cursed herself inwardly. “I’m sorry.””

Again, I don’t like this “Was she eating enough? Probably.” Kind of stuff. Just personal preference.

“Mira would still be trying to help out even if both her legs were broken.” Is that a common occurrence? Later (in the next chapter) you talk about the village… but maybe just give a preview, of how it’s secluded from society. We don’t know that, remember. We just think it’s a small village.

“The Thanatos Forest was dangerous enough.” More. Why is it dangerous, how is it dangerous. Even if you want to keep it vague, give us imagery! The dark overhanging branches, hiding their own, countless secrets. The stiller-than-life silence that permated the forest, giving it a foreign tone. SOMETHING! Maybe even describe that, and then mention how (directly or indirectly) Summer’s Fire element protects her from the “unnatural chill”.

It’s odd that a village living in the middle of a forest would be afraid of said forest. I know you explain why, but Summer really can’t be the ONLY one that goes in. If nothing else there must be another brave kid in the village, or they village kids go out on dares… something? The way you describe the men’s fear of the forest makes it seem… have you seen Eragon? Well, in Eragon, the village is a village and there are mountains surrounding the village but the village isn’t ON a mountain, and there are ways of living without even going near the mountains. The man character (surprise, Eragon!) Isn’t’ afraid of said mountains. Now, if would be a little harder for the plot of the book if the village were IN the mountains. Do you get what I’m saying? I understand your problem, but just… I don’t know, just take a look at it. 


on Sep. 16 2011 at 5:01 pm
juliam PLATINUM, Windermere, Florida
21 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things

I just read your post about the “review swap” and it sounds like a good idea. Someone being nit-picky always helps, so lemme try here… (I have to break it down into chapters... they won't let me post more than 5000 characters. So...) 

In the first chapter…

I love the first sentence. Love it. BUT… I have a question. Summer is a Fire Celestial. And her mother? Is she a Fire Celestial too? I like the idea that “A single Fire (Summer) flickered in the woods” but that gets a little confusing as we wonder if Summer’s mother is a Fire Celestial. I know you said that Celestials can only be children of Celestials, but you didn’t really explain if it can switch elements.

I like the ambiguity of the mother. Her mysteriousness, her “scarred fingers”… you’d just better explain it later. I know that seems like a given, but even something as slight as her scarred fingers… if you mentioned it, make sure you mention it again.

I love the contrast in the phrase “The hard, delicately cut surface of the jewel.” I almost feel that it describes Summer in a way. She’s a girl and, by definintion, delicate, but then she’s a Celestial (powerful) and a hunter, braver than the guys. Anyways… I just liked that :)

“She expected nothing” I am confused. By this do you mean… she knew what was going to happen/that the fire wasn’t going to hurt her; or do you mean that she didn’t know what to expect? Try making that clearer.

Why the boy? AAAAH I’m curious. Which is good. But still *slight glare of intense curiosity*

This sentence: “The Fire answered her thoughts, unraveled the raveled, understood the mysteries of beyond.” Is interesting but confusing. To me at least. I like it only… it seems you didn’t really grasp what you wanted to explain by writing it like that. Maybe that’s WHAT you wanted, to make it confusing as it must be to Summer. But… idk.

Motivation: would her mother return “a glowing look” if her heart was heavy with the knowledge that she had to leave her daughter?

I would say more on Summer’s panic at her mother leaving. To a little girl, there is nothing in the world BUT her mother, and though Summer’s dialogue is adequately panicked, I feel that the description takes away from it.

“I’d never leave you Summer…” and then she leaves. Sure, I guess you’re probably insinuating that her mother has always been watching… but still. Say something else, something along the lines of “I’ll always be with you” or something like that.

Here: “Her (meaning her mother) emerald eyes were distant as she gazed the infinite darkness beyond the light of the fire. It was nothingness, just a vast, endless plain of the unknowns of her little girl’s deepest fears. Her mother was the only one she (all of a sudden, it’s summer’s pov again. I know it’s third person, but it’s like, through summer’s eyes. That’s a little off. Just personally) could hold onto, who she needed most desperately - she couldn’t leave... could she?” Just… take a look at that.

Oh and, personally, I don’t like using questions (and ellipsis points) in stories. That’s me, I feel that it interacts with the reader, which isn’t something that (in a story like this) you generally want.

“The mother pushed her daughter…” sounds harsh. If you want to insinuate that the bond between mother and daugher is broken (and can never be fixed) it’s excellent. If not…

Motivation: why wouldn’t Summer run after her mother, cling to her world and never let go?

I feel that, in this chapter, it is more centered on the mother/daughter relationship, and Fire is a little lacking. This is the introduction of Summer as a Celestial, as Fire as an element, and I think you should take time to describe Summer’s feelings towards the Fire, more so than you already did. I don’t know if this is how you’re viewing the Celestial’s powers, but it seems to me that Fire, because it is her element, plays a major role in Summer’s life. If it does, I think you should accent it more in this first chapter.

 


on Sep. 16 2011 at 3:55 pm
juliam PLATINUM, Windermere, Florida
21 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things

Niiiiiiiice. 

Obviously, it can be improved, but I feel that, with your attitude and the right amout of perseverance, this can be great stuff. :)

Favorite quote (a habit of mine, I hope you don't mine me quoting you)

"She was different from them, like a bright wildflower sticking out from a sea of orderly tulips."


on Aug. 19 2011 at 4:04 pm
lovelycheese GOLD, Cupertino, California
11 articles 0 photos 136 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you have something to do, then do it. You can't get wasted time back." ~Ben Carson.

Of course! Haha, you're lucky to have caught me with my free time. I'll do my best. You're absolutely welcome.

on Aug. 19 2011 at 4:02 pm
lovelycheese GOLD, Cupertino, California
11 articles 0 photos 136 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you have something to do, then do it. You can't get wasted time back." ~Ben Carson.

A note to my lovely readers: 

First of all, thank you guys so much for taking the time to read and comment. Whenever I get a comment and read it, good or bad I love it either way.

I wrote Celestial a while ago, when I was 12, so when I look at this, all the errors become apparent and start screaming at me. 

So recently I've picked up this book again and started re-writing it. BUT I couldn't figure out which POV to write it in. Third person [like this draft] or first person? All opinions are welcome. Thanks in advance.

Also, I've noticed a few strange ratings. I'm trying not to be nitpicky or vain, but I'm pretty dang sure the work I put into Celestial doesn't deserve 1 out of 5 stars. If you think it does, please leave a comment as to how I can improve Celestial. I'm always looking to make my stories better.

Currently I'm writing a book tentatively named Silver Lining. I've clocked around 7,000 words [I'm a agonizingly slow writer] and once I finish Chapter Four, I'll see if I can introduce it here. I know I've said that a couple of times, but high school's starting in a couple of days, and I needa get moving. :]

Another thing: If you have an article / a novel for me to read, I usually don't have time to. But when I do, I'm pretty picky and do detailed feedback. So if you want feedback on your story, it would be great if you could do a detailed critique on Celestial, too. I'd be twice as likely to read your work, then. Think of it as a swap LOL.

And again, I feel the need to express my love for you all reading this and Celestial. I'd never imagined so many people would comment, and whenever I read them over again I got the warm tingly feeling. So thank you all a million times. You guys have motivated me to continue my passion.

 

 


on Aug. 19 2011 at 3:59 pm
BlueCannons3030 GOLD, Alleman, Iowa
15 articles 0 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pain. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.
-C.S. Lewis

thank you! and don't be afraid to give me constructive criticism, because I really would acknowledge anthing to make me better


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