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Celestial

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lovelycheese
Celestial
Summary: Celestials and their ancient legacy have disappeared with time's passing.
Summer is one of the last remaining Celestials in the entire land of King Lance and King Slade. Once she's discovered and brought before King Slade, her Element - Fire - is taken advantage of. While Summer's being juggled between two Kingdoms, no one notices as a third Kingdom arises.
And who is the King? Not a man. It's Summer's long lost mother.
Stuck in between the Kingdoms, it's up to Summer to decide the fate of all the Kingdoms - once and for all.



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juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 5:13 pm:

TADAHH!

I'm sorry if that was confusing (it probably was). Sorry! And I'm sorry about the all-caps. it wouldn't let me italicize.

Anyways…

That’s my review. I hope it’s detailed enough (:P) and that it helps. Of course, you don’t HAVE to review my story, but if you want to/have time to, it’s not up yet. Well, what I mean by that it I just submitted it today, and it’s “pending acceptance” or something like that. I have short... (more »)

 
lovelycheese replied...
Sept. 23, 2011 at 9:03 pm :

Oh, your review - what's your novel called? Before I could easily scan through the novels and find titles... but now, there's so many. :]

I'll definitely take your advice. So, more details to add more life? I was a little confused about that part, but thanks!

 
juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 24, 2011 at 6:21 am :
My novel is called "A Lost Boy's Life" About the details... It'd just that, by adding more details, you make it more real to the reader. It's not to "add more life" per say, but to allow the reader to really envision themselves in there with yor characters, relate to them, sympathize with them. Does that make sense?
 
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juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm:

part three part two: 

“It didn’t matter to the King anyway,” It most CERTAINLY does! Dead Celestials are gone, forever. Hiding Celestials are only plotting to regain power and kill the King. I’d say it matters.

“Rebellions struck out. War arrived.” I like this.

“King Alastair was shocked. What had he done wrong? Quickly, he assembled his own army to fight the villagers.” I don’t like this.

Slade became rule... (more »)

 
lovelycheese replied...
Sept. 23, 2011 at 9:05 pm :

I want to cut that whole, fat history block out of the third chapter, and make it flow better with the story. In fact, when I get the chance, I'm going to be changing the whole story pretty dramatically. 

Sorry for the ambuguity! 

 
juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 24, 2011 at 6:23 am :
I thought the way you put the history in there was really unique. I've never really seen it done that way. I was just thinking like, where else would you put it?
 
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juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm:

Part three part one: 

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the beginning. Those three sentences? That anaphora? Simply wonderful.

“Mira had told Summer this story once some years ago,” AND ALTHOUGH SHE REFUSED TO SPEAK OF IT AGAIN… “Summer had committed it to memory. It was the only time Mira openly talked about the Kingdoms.” Without something in the middle, the but is completely unnecessary and awkward and weird.

Hehehe fat man. I love fat men in... (more »)

 
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juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 5:10 pm:

Second chapter part one: 

“…emerald into her fist and closed her amber…” I like the color in this. I like color. Colors are pretty. And they’re excellent in stories, I think. Colors can’t be described, but they describe so much.

“The glimmer of the fire, a glimpse of a –“ this frustrates me. But again, that’s a good thing. If (if) it’s a reference to that boy, maybe put that, just one word or one feature al... (more »)

 
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juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 5:08 pm:

Second chapter part one: 

Problem: in the first chapter, you say that the pendant is a ruby pendant. In the second, you say “the emerald green” of the pendant. 

 
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juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 5:08 pm:

Second Chapter part one: 

I don’t like this sentence: “It wasn’t a pleasant sensation - eerie and uncomfortable.” We know what a not pleasant sensation is. If you want, liken it to something else in the novel “it wasn’t a pleasant sensation – much like when someone would take a second, unwelcome look at Summer.” Or… something like that anyways. See what I mean? Kinda?

 
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juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 5:08 pm:

Second chapter part one: 

More description of the room? I feel that, in a story, there can never be too little description. That might be just me, but I feel that, the more you describe a place, the more the reader “sees” it, the more they can put themselves there… and the more they can love the character that is in that same situation. So… I mean, you description of the room is GOOD and solid, but it could (could) be more (colors, shapes, shadows, etc).&... (more »)

 
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juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm:

Second chapter part one: 

Umm… ambiguous with the pulsing pendant thing. If that’s what you want, then it’s good, but if I were you, I’d explain it relatively quickly. I know that keeping readers in the dark sometimes builds suspense, but sometimes it looses readers. Just… keep that in mind. Certain things you can keep ambiguous for long amounts of time, and I guess this COULD be kept quiet for a while… it’s up to you really. 

 
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juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm:

Second chapter part one (it won't let me post!)

I'm going to do this paragraph by paragraph... so bear with me please!

Again, I like the first sentences. Your starts are really strong. 

 
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juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 5:04 pm:

Second Chapter part 2:

Love, LOVE, the description of Mira.

The dialogue between Mira and Summer is excellent. You know, a lot of people have problems writing dialogue, but I happen to think that you did a stellar job. Their conversation really shows their interesting relationship, especially in the beginning.

More description between the dialogue. Describe the cornbread, the table, the woods… Put US there with Summer.

“Oh for the love of Nature”... (more »)

 
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juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 5:01 pm:

I just read your post about the “review swap” and it sounds like a good idea. Someone being nit-picky always helps, so lemme try here… (I have to break it down into chapters... they won't let me post more than 5000 characters. So...) 

In the first chapter…

I love the first sentence. Love it. BUT… I have a question. Summer is a Fire Celestial. And her mother? Is she a Fire Celestial too? I like the idea that “A single Fire (Summer) flic... (more »)

 
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juliam This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 3:55 pm:

Niiiiiiiice. 

Obviously, it can be improved, but I feel that, with your attitude and the right amout of perseverance, this can be great stuff. :)

Favorite quote (a habit of mine, I hope you don't mine me quoting you)

"She was different from them, like a bright wildflower sticking out from a sea of orderly tulips."

 
lovelycheese replied...
Sept. 22, 2011 at 9:42 pm :
Thank you!
 
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lovelycheese said...
Aug. 19, 2011 at 4:02 pm:

A note to my lovely readers: 

First of all, thank you guys so much for taking the time to read and comment. Whenever I get a comment and read it, good or bad I love it either way.

I wrote Celestial a while ago, when I was 12, so when I look at this, all the errors become apparent and start screaming at me. 

So recently I've picked up this book again and started re-writing it. BUT I couldn't figure out which POV to write it in. Third person [like this draft] or f... (more »)

 
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randumfave said...
Aug. 19, 2011 at 3:59 pm:
thank you! and don't be afraid to give me constructive criticism, because I really would acknowledge anthing to make me better
 
lovelycheese replied...
Aug. 19, 2011 at 4:04 pm :
Of course! Haha, you're lucky to have caught me with my free time. I'll do my best. You're absolutely welcome.
 
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