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Summary: Celestials and their ancient legacy have disappeared with time's passing.
Summer is one of the last remaining Celestials in the entire land of King Lance and King Slade. Once she's discovered and brought before King Slade, her Element - Fire - is taken advantage of. While Summer's being juggled between two Kingdoms, no one notices as a third Kingdom arises.
And who is the King? Not a man. It's Summer's long lost mother.
Stuck in between the Kingdoms, it's up to Summer to decide the fate of all the Kingdoms - once and for all.

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This book has 242 comments. Post your own now!

AgnotTheOdd said...
Feb. 5, 2011 at 8:47 pm
This is a pretty good story.  The first chapter lost my interest a little, but i greatly enjoyed the prologue and second chapter.  Im a little curious as to where youll go with this novel.  Best of luck
lovelycheese replied...
Feb. 5, 2011 at 11:11 pm

I'm changing the first chapter for sure. Instead of the jolting awake thing, I think I might do Summer working with the villagers in preparation for the trader's feast. Thanks for the feedback!

And. To everyone else: I won't be posting up chapters until I get well into the story (maybe chapter four or five) or until I can submit chapters without taking the whole novel offline. Thank you guys so much for taking the time to read!

alex_gold said...
Feb. 4, 2011 at 5:23 pm

lovelycheese, I read your novel! First let me say that I am very impressed! Great vocabulary and astounding story-line!

Now, there are some things that you need to fix. In several sentences in Chapter 2 you either have too many words (to the point where the sentence doesn't make sense or is a run-on sentence) or not enough words (where the reader might have to mentally fill in needed words for themselves). That would be your main issue as of right now. 

Aside from that, I l... (more »)

lovelycheese replied...
Feb. 4, 2011 at 9:45 pm
I'll be sure to look for those sentences in Chapter Two when I revise, alex_gold. Thank you so much for taking the time to read!(:
Elizabeth_Day This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 1, 2011 at 12:47 am
I'm really liking this so far, Lovelycheese (awesome screen name by the way)  I already love Mira.  Who couldn't with the way you portray her?  You do an excellent job with keeping us in the main character's head.  All of those sensory details make the reader feel THERE.  I love it.  My only semi-negative comment is that I noticed some tense-changes in the third chapter.  Just make sure to keep the past in the past tense.  :)  I love the fire scene. &... (more »)
lovelycheese replied...
Feb. 1, 2011 at 10:28 pm
Haha, thanks. Mira was inspired by my everyday heroes. I really appreciate your feedback. And yes, I'm intrigued by fire, so I decided to write about it(: Thanks again!
rainbowwaffles said...
Jan. 31, 2011 at 5:36 pm

I really, really, enjoyed this. I love fantasy stories, but only if they're really good; this one definitely is! I wasn't sure about the third chapter at first, but I was relieved to see that it all came back around to Summer and Mira in the end and wasn't just a history lesson. Just one thing I pointed out: "Thirty gold pieces was more Summer’s savings tripled." There should be a 'than' between more and Summer. 

Maybe you could check out my novel? It's called The Formation ... (more »)

lovelycheese replied...
Jan. 31, 2011 at 11:48 pm

I will notify you as soon as I can, as I'm on an extremely tight schedule. Probably tomorrow I'll get to reviewing your work.

Thanks so much! Your comment means a lot to me(:

lovelycheese replied...
Feb. 3, 2011 at 8:35 pm
Alright, I'm super sorry for the late reply. School's been occupying too much of my time lately. I read it and commented by the way. (:
rainbowwaffles replied...
Feb. 3, 2011 at 8:38 pm
 Thank you so much!
OfficialApprover This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 26, 2011 at 7:36 am

I had to comment separately on the prologue and first chapter, my comment was too long. =P



Chapter 1:


This is more than just a pet peeve—it’s a cliché.  When the MC wakes up at the beginning of the first chapter. I know, you want to say ‘But there’s no other way to start it!’, and I know changing your own stuff is torturous—I’m not even saying you have to change it—but wa... (more »)

lovelycheese replied...
Jan. 26, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Ahhh~ yeah, that's another one. Publisher no-no's. Changing the first chapter is one of my top re-do's for Celestial. 

Haha, I have a problem of not picking out errors that might affect readability, so thanks for point those out. 

I'm very, very behind. I barely scratched out chapter three after about three months (I know) on the novel, so yes, I'll combine the chapters.

Your critique was superb. Most helpful of all. Thank you so much for the time critiquing! I ... (more »)

OfficialApprover This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jan. 27, 2011 at 3:02 pm

=) I'm glad my critique was helpful.  I was afraid it was too short with my limited time.


No problem with the readability--I'm a Grammar Na.zi. XD


And I'm glad you're someone who realizes the publisher no-nos. =D That'll make everything much easier.

lovelycheese replied...
Jan. 29, 2011 at 10:52 pm
Haha, that was actually a pretty long critique. Thanks again!
Elizabeth_Day This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Feb. 1, 2011 at 12:50 am
Hey, OfficialApprover.  This might be a little strange, but I like your editing style. :]  Could you possible check out my short story, The Firejumper?  I'd love some advice from a fellow Grammar Nazi.
lovelycheese replied...
Feb. 5, 2011 at 11:12 pm
I think you might have to comment on her novel Don't Need Anyone and ask for the feedback. That's what I did(:
OfficialApprover This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 26, 2011 at 7:36 am

Okay, here I am. =)  I don’t have a ton of time, and I’m trying to fit this in, so if it’s not as long as some of my critiques, I apologize.


First off, I’ll commend you on your summary. For one, it had good grammar—a rarity here; for another, it was fairly well-written, and captured the reader’s attention.


Alright.  The prologue.  What I’m about to mention first is something that I understand ca... (more »)

lovelycheese replied...
Jan. 26, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Thanks for the helpful critique! 

I have been googling publisher advice, and the prologue thing did come up a couple of times. I'm still debating whether to include the prologue or to cut it. 

Once again thanks!(:

Timekeeper This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 24, 2011 at 10:26 pm

First off, congratulations on being the most discussed Sci-Fi/Fantasy novel :D

Secondly, to the critique...I really like the character's names here. You manage to capture the fantasy elements without having to resort to unrealistic names. The flow between the details, backstory, and actual events is very well done, and you never had to resort to simply spelling anything out for the reader.

The best advice I can give is in the long run, as you complete the novel, keep the core ca... (more »)

lovelycheese replied...
Jan. 25, 2011 at 8:49 pm


Your feedback was really helpful, and I appreciate it. I'll submit more when I have the time(: Oh yeah.

I'm just curious, but how long does it take you to finish a novel? I'm trying to pace myself evenly here, to split time between schoolwork, studying, etc and I'm not entirely sure. Thanks(:

Annerdy said...
Jan. 24, 2011 at 10:22 pm

I like the time and setting of this; how it's like a fairytale with a twist. Your style of writing actually really reminds me of "Ash" by Malinda Lo (a modern twist on Cinderella where the main character actually does hunt with a bow also) and the type of revised tales that Donna Jo Napoli writes. I wish you incorporated more "showing than telling" into the story because the beginning of Chapter Two kind of lost my attention. It was easy to figure out what type of person Mira was, but I wish ... (more »)


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