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The Break Out
What inspired me to write this was just all my writeing teachers to use all the creativty I have and put together a well, thoughout piece.
“Run!” My mom yelled to me. With the commander right on my back, I tried to run even faster than I was running. I needed to push, push more than ever before. This was my life, I couldn’t fail. The ship was right there. A million thoughts were running through my head at this point…
“What if I don’’t make this? What if commander Montgomery makes it in the ship too? What was my backup plan?” I had no backup plan though. This was it, all or nothing. Urging closer and closer to the ship, I didn’t know if I would make it.
48 hours earlier…
“Hurry up and get ready Robin, you are going to be late!” My mom yelled to me as she was brushing her teeth.
“Ugh!” I said back to my mom. Glancing at the time, I noticed that it was 5:45 A.M., still dark out. Looking out the window I could see just fog, everywhere.
“Why does the government make us go so early?” I wondered. Trying to get ready with hundreds of bags under my eyes, I couldn’t. I am just a young teen, who lives with his mom, doesn’t have too many friends, why me? Why do I have to have to work for them? I knew though I had to because I needed to help my mom out. Everyday, I wanted to crawl back into bed and just think, think back to my old life. Life where I had a whole family, life where the government wasn’t corrupt, and life where people were actually happy. It seemed sense the government break out, no people wanted to live anymore. It seemed like they as if wanted to die and just leave this world. My mom and I did our best to enjoy life and have fun but it wasn’t the same anymore. The government practically doesn’t even care anymore because there are so many people. Where we live, the United States, there are tens of billions people here. The government wants people to die basically. And how do I know this? Well, working for the government, I here the many of ideas that they have. Going to work for them every single day of the week for nine hours, was the worst thing to do, but I did it for my mom. Making minimum wage, I tried to work as long as I could to make the most amount of money for my mom. Having me eat and not letting herself eat was just one little thing she did for me to help me survive. Life, was a real struggle. Time was coming to an end, slowly.
Walking out of the house I said, “I love you mom, hope you have a great day.” I said this to her everyday because working for the government, you didn’t know if you were going to come back or not. The government is a terrifying place to work at, but for my mom, it is worth it.
My mom always said back to me, “Love you too honey, be safe.” And then I was off, walking to work, not knowing what could happen to me. All I would think about when walking out of the door was positive things to help me out. I always tried and stayed positive.
Walking to work that day, I thought about what having a car would be like. I always wished my mom and I would have a car, but that was never was going to happen. The government outlawed them because they wanted us people to suffer. The government didn’t want anything good to happen to us. So, they took away anything good that we had. My mom kept a couple goods though for me like basketballs and footballs. She always took care of me in the best way she could. Walking to work wasn’t to bad though. It wasn’t to bad because of my best friend, Noric. Noric was a tall skinny guy who always had a smile on his face. His smile could light up your face in an instance. Whenever I have been feeling down, I would go to Noric to help me out. He has never failed to make me happy. Noric lives where I live too, Boston Street. Not the nicest place but it was fine. All I wanted was shelter for me and my mom. Noric also had the best Moonshines in town. Everyday, I would stop by his bakery and get two moonshines. Moonshines were like all chocolate crepes, formed in squares, but they had cream and fudge in the middle. They were the most sweetest, the most delicious thing you could ever eat. Even eating there everyday, I wouldn’t get sick of them.
After I got my two moonshines from Noric, I was not to far from work now. Just another five blocks and I was there.
On my way to work now, I would see tons of Taunterks, everywhere. Taunterks were people who just lived on the streets. They didn’t have a home, family, or anything. They were dead to the government. Of cource I felt bad, but I couldn’t do anything to help them out. The sad thing is the government doesn’t do anything to try and help them too. They just sit around, day by day, watching time go by. I try and help them, but they just push me away every time. So, after awhile I just stopped caring for them. It was worthless. Approaching my work building now, I was ready for what would be a long day of complete crap! Sliding my name card into the wall, the building opened and I tried to get ready for today.
As I entered, a guy yelled at me from far away… It was the commander.
“Your late Robin! How many times do you have to be late, gosh! Next time you’re late, you will be in the block.” The commander yelled to me.
“Yes, ok sir I know.” I said trying to be as respectful as I could be. Saying that hurt me but I always tried to be respectful to the commander. The Commander was a tall, uptight guy that you did not want to mess with. He was a person that people would get scared talking to him. Believe me, the first time I met him, I was about to pee my pants. He was not someone you would want to mess with. Getting ready at my work station, commander Montgomery called everyone over to where he was.
“So, as all of you know we have been dealing with a big overpopulation right now. As being the commander, I think I know what we need to do to stop this. We can form a raptorwave.” The commander said to all of the workers.
“What? Are you kidding me!?” I thought in my head. A raptor wave was a 2000 tall wave that destroys anything in its path. It can not be stopped. I could not believe what the commander just said.
“Yes Robin! This is what we are doing we have no other choice and are country is falling apart right now. We will evacuate only the goldchest class and all of you who work for me of course.” The commander told me. The goldchest class was the richest of the rich. It was the people who had tens of billions of dollars. “This is final! The raptorwave will be happening on April 3rd, two days from now.”
“Oh no!” I said in my head. I had to tell the taunterks and the niegons what was going to happen. The niegons were the middle class and the taunterks were the lower class. That’s just how the government did it. They gave each classes different names.
Going home that day, I was completely out of it. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Should I tell people and take the risk of the government finding out, or should I not tell anyone and say goodbye to them. I knew what had to be done, I had to tell all the people what was going to happen. The first person I told was my mom. I told my mom everything that commander Montgomery said in the meeting. I also told her how the government was going to escape. They were going to escape from these big ships that were being built in the government building. The ships are unbreakable, nothing could break them. My mom suggested that we all sneak in when the commander has a meeting and then lock ourselves in the ship. Her plan didn’t seem to complicated but it was way more complicated for me. I would have to sneak out of the meeting, open the ships without being caught, and then run down to the ships and get in safely. WIth having no other plan in my mind, I was willing to give this plan a go. Now, all my mom and I had to do was alert the folks about what was going down in just two days!
Waking up, 5 A.M AGAIN., I didn’t get any sleep at all! I was tired and exhausted. As tired as I was though, I knew that this was going to be one of my biggest days of my life. Today, I would be alerting everyone about the devious plan the government had. Walking out of my house, I did the same routine as always… Tell my mom I lover her and get ready to walk a couple miles to work. But, today would be a little different. I would stop by Noric’s bakery and let him know what was going down.
Walking down the streets on a gloomy, foggy grey day, only made the day more frightening for me. But, smelling moonshines as I was about to enter the bakery, made the day a little better for me. “I’ll have two moonshines please.” I said to my best friend Noric.
“You got it Robin!” He said back to me in a happy mood. But, the news I was about to tell him would wipe that smile off of his face in a split second. And telling him the news about the government, did just that. I told Noric that he had to alert all of the taunterks and the niegons about what was going to happen. Knowing Noric, I knew he would do just that.
Entering work, I didn’t know what to expect. Again though, we had another meeting and commander Montgomery went over the plan once again in a bossy tone. I couldn’t take one more day of him. His bossy tone, negative attitude, and the power he abused, was just too much for me. All day long at work, I couldn’t focus. It was just too hard for me too. Sitting down at my desk, I looked out of the window. Looking outside, I saw a little blue and yellow birdie sitting on a tree. Seeing that it was alone, starving, and hopeless, I felt bad. But still the bird has so much joy on its face, I couldn’t believe it. The bird had nothing in his life to live for but still, it was a happy bird, flying around. Watching the bird made me think about how our life used to be like. Everyone used to be happy and joyful, but the government ruined that. The government ruined everything the people had. This was their way of being happy. Even if you work for the government, you can’t stop them. The only person who makes the decisions is the commander. Commander Montgomery. Glancing at the clock, I noticed I only had a few more minutes left. In the last minutes all I was doing was getting ready to bolt home. I would only have a few more hours to get everyone ready for tomorrow. About to run out of the door, the commander said loud and proud, “The raptorwave will be hitting tonight!” What, tonight!? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This meant that I had to bring the niegons and tauntercks back here tonight.
Sprinting home, I was scared, worried, and nervous. The fact of thinking about losing my mind, was heartbreaking. I was not going to let the commander take yet another family member from me. I was fed up with everything he has done done to me. Gathering all of the taunterks and niegons together, I knew I needed to fire them up a little. Looking at the crowd, made me thing that I was looking at a pack of dead zombies. All they were doing was moaning and groaning. “Ok guys, this is it! I know you all do not like living here anymore but this can change. This can change if we execute the plan. No more government, no more anything they have told us. This was our time, our time to shine!”
“YAAAA!” They all screamed.
“Now who’s ready to see the government fall!” I said.
“We are!” All of the taunterks and niegons said back to me.
Running with everyone over to the government building, was astounding. This was the first form of life really I have seen out of these people. Maybe they do care about living after after all. As we entered the building, I put in the code I saw commander amontgomery put into open the giant doors. When it opened, the alarms busted out. “Go, go to the ships I said!” Seeing them run to the ships, I ran to the main room to open the ships. Running down, I saw the commander not to far from me.
50ft away from the ship, I yelled to my mom. “Close it!” Bolting as fast as I could, I knew that it would be close. I crept closer and closer inching my way towards the ship. The closer I got the farther it seemed. Now 8ft, I slid across the slippery floor, barely making it under. Making it by just under a second, I looked outside. There the commander was, standing outside the ship just staring at me. “It’s over!” I yelled to him. Seeing the raptorwave not too far in the distance, the commander said his final words to me slowly in a dark, evil tone. The way he said it just creeped me out. Hearing his last words frightened me. Knowing that I should be feeling happy and excited, I felt frightened, terrified… Montgomery said to me,
“You can never,
Those six words were the last things out of his mouth. Thinking about what he said, I thought,“Was this the end of the government, or just the beginning?”
In my story, I changed many things. I changed my whole introduction and added a scene where it connects to the ending better. In addition, I also changed the way my characters are introduced. I made sure my readers knew who each character was by telling them something about every character in my story. I knew this was a thing I needed to work on so I did my best making it clear of who they were. I changed a lot of lines too because they weren’t edited or they just didn’t flow through my piece well. I also changed my title because I felt like my title wasn’t connected enough to my whole story. Finally, I changed almost my whole conclusion because I felt like it wasn’t as good as I thought it could be. I feel like my new ending is really well written and flows with the story better. (I stopped highlighting things after the first page.)