Acitosh, The beginning

October 28, 2015
By wizad GOLD, lincon, Maine
wizad GOLD, Lincon, Maine
10 articles 0 photos 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
Some say the world will end in fire
some say in ice
from what I have tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire
but if it had to perrish twice
I think i know enough of hate
that ice is also great
and would suffice
Fire and ice by robert Frost


Summary:

As I watched the village burn I could see a lone man being chased through the main road. Three other figures where closing the distance. A bright flash raced to the retreating man. Magicians. The flash just missing, from it I could see the mans armor. The armor of an ally, as he ran under the roof top where I was standing, I dropped a bottle at his feet. It exploded, he fell with out a sound. As I dropped of the roof top and was dragging the mans body farther down the ally way i heard one of the chasers shout. I looked at his forehead and gasped the symbol for fire was glowing it was only for a second and then he knew. he was a fire warrior


Isabell L.

Acitosh, The beginning


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This book has 6 comments.


wizad GOLD said...
on Dec. 1 2015 at 7:50 am
wizad GOLD, Lincon, Maine
10 articles 0 photos 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
Some say the world will end in fire
some say in ice
from what I have tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire
but if it had to perrish twice
I think i know enough of hate
that ice is also great
and would suffice
Fire and ice by robert Frost

and my names not wizard its wizad

wizad GOLD said...
on Nov. 13 2015 at 7:41 am
wizad GOLD, Lincon, Maine
10 articles 0 photos 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
Some say the world will end in fire
some say in ice
from what I have tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire
but if it had to perrish twice
I think i know enough of hate
that ice is also great
and would suffice
Fire and ice by robert Frost

ok that was not me who posted the comment above

on Nov. 11 2015 at 12:57 pm
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER, BF, New Mexico
6 articles 0 photos 101 comments

Favorite Quote:
only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile
-Albert Instien
the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

Okay. So, um, you'll probably think this comment sounds mean but I promise I'm not trying to be mean. I read the first chapter and this is what I have to say about it, I might read more later. You need to work on your grammar and spelling. In the authors note parts capitalize "i" and make your "right" into "write". Besides that there were a bunch of grammatical flaws that made the story hard to read and follow. When a new person is talking: start a new paragraph for them, and make sure that when the characters are talking you put quotation marks around their sentances. That would make it better to read. Also for grammar and spelling, make sure you use the correct words. For example you said "threw" in the first paragraph and I think you meant "through". Pay attention to those kinds of things, proof read more. Don't get me wrong, no ones perfect, I barely proof read most of my stuff on this paticular sight as well. But I think proper grammar is much more important for a novel. Next, I would say you seem to be going a little...fast? Like first he wakes up and the next few paragraphs he's already learning about some ruby tooth and his "soul" it was confusing. You didn't really say much at all about what happened in his town. Maybe a flashback would help? Make your story more gripping t the beginning. Don't throw the basic info, or the important things at the main charecter in the first three paragraphs or first chapter! Make the reader want more, make him wonder what's going on. Readers like to think and guess, they like little cliff hangers and stuff like that. Plus I think it would be easier to understand if you made the descriptions of why and when (like the discription at the end about souls) more clear; again, grammar would also help with that. So I guess ON THAT PERSPECTIVE it seemed a little bland. I think this could be very very good with a little bit of work though. The only other thing I'd say is that when you described the dragon, you seemed to describe him in more detail then every thing else. Like, you didn't describe the cave very much, or the ruby, or the room, or half gar. Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense, you don't need to over describe, but make sure you do it a bit more evenly. The things I LIKED are this. I liked how you words like majestic and astonishing. I don't know why, but they just seemed to fit really well. I think this story is a great idea, you made it very original. Which is hard to do, many fantasy stories follow a sort of same story line and concept. As far as I could see (I only read the first chapter) your idea seemed creative and original. So again: I think this could be a GREAT, fascinating story, but it needs some work too.

wizad GOLD said...
on Nov. 9 2015 at 7:58 pm
wizad GOLD, Lincon, Maine
10 articles 0 photos 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
Some say the world will end in fire
some say in ice
from what I have tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire
but if it had to perrish twice
I think i know enough of hate
that ice is also great
and would suffice
Fire and ice by robert Frost

Great descriptions Wizard, cant wait to read more!!!

on Nov. 9 2015 at 11:17 am
Wannabenovelist, Lincoln, Nebraska
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments
I think the discreption of this story is as far as I've gotton and its good

wizad GOLD said...
on Nov. 4 2015 at 11:08 am
wizad GOLD, Lincon, Maine
10 articles 0 photos 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
Some say the world will end in fire
some say in ice
from what I have tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire
but if it had to perrish twice
I think i know enough of hate
that ice is also great
and would suffice
Fire and ice by robert Frost

do you like it


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