Teen Ink

September

Things I Wish I Hadn't Done When I Saw You At School:

1. Hugged you. You stiffened in my arms. They say that when someone loses an arm or leg or something, they can sometimes feel it even though it's not there. They call it phantom pain. I felt a sort of phantom hug when you wouldn't even lift your arms.

2. Apologized for hugging you. You laughed, but it was not funny.

3. Commented on your teal and lilac tips being gone. The bell rang and you turned away before you could explain why you cut them off.

4. Written your name in the corner of my Calculus notes. I erased it, but now when I study there will be a sort of phantom pain there. And I don't need more pain when it comes to Calculus, that gives me enough grief already.

5. Read a text from Hillary saying to "be strong." Hillary was my best friend now, but being pitied/thought of wasn't what I wanted.

6. Talked to people. I usually try to avoid this at all costs, but especially after everyone hears that your ex cheated on you. They coo like a flock of stupid pigeons.

7. Saw you in Yearbook again and even after you waved a little, sat at the table furthest from you. You're not good at reaching out, and that was big for you, but sometimes I like to act like a child. See July for more evidence of this.

8. Saw you kiss Frances Hemsley. Saw Frances Hemsley's arm right on your hip, where your scars are. Wondered if you thought of me.

9. Went home and thought of you.