This piece really means a lot to me and I am trying my hardest to make it the best that it can...
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I woke up the next morning with a smile on my face. Last night’s events flooded into my head and I couldn’t help but think of Carter. I had so much fun last night, I wished it had never ended.
I was glad it was the weekend. It would make my class on Monday easier having a few days between the kiss I gave Carter. I didn’t want Jonathan to suspect anything. I still didn’t know what was going on with my love life right now. It was all just too confusing. I was already overwhelmed and it had only been a few weeks since my junior year started.
The rest of the weekend went by in a flash. I talked to Carter throughout the weekend. We always had something to talk about which was really nice. He was like the best guy friend I have never had. I feel like I can really be myself around him and he actually cares about me. I haven’t talked to Jonathan in a really long time. Math was just awkward. I talked to Carter the whole hour and joked around with him while Jonathan sulked in the corner. One day he even got up and sat on the other side of the room and talked to some football players.
It was almost like Jonathan and I had never had that night under the stars. I knew it though, I knew it was a joke to him. He lied to me. I had been thinking about this lately, and I really could feel something breaking inside me. There was just an emptiness in my life and I knew that it was because of Jonathan. It just made me hate him even more.
Carter was helping me through it though. He was always there. I sometimes texted him at 1:00am because I couldn’t sleep, and he would always respond, ready to listen. He was a real friend. We’d been talking for almost four months now. Christmas was just around the corner and I was really going to miss seeing Carter every day. We had become really close over the past few weeks and we talked all the time.
I was also finally getting used the fact that I was never going to talk to Jonathan again. He’d been ignoring me, especially lately. I hadn’t really talked to him since that first and second week of school.
I was really surprised when he stopped me in the hallway after school on the Friday beginning our Christmas break.
“Hey,” Jonathan said, grabbing my arm. I tried to pretend that he wasn’t having any effect on my, but I could tell it wasn’t working.
“What do you want?” I asked, I was trying so hard to stay mad at him and shut him out, but his piercing blue eyes were boring into my chocolate brown ones.
“I need to talk to you,” he said.
“Well what are we doing?” I asked, pulling my arm away from him, and taking a step away from him. I felt bad about acting this way, but I couldn’t let him back in.
“Please, hear me out.” He begged and I just stared at him, waiting to explain. “Listen,” he said, “Can we go back to my place? Somewhere private?”
“Sure,” I said, and then regretted it. I was letting him back in.
He smiled and turned to walk away, so I followed him without another word. We arrived at his house shortly after. I got out of his car and followed him into his house. I think his parents were working still, because the house was silent. We were alone. Great. Just what I needed.
“Amara, please just listen to me, okay?”
“I’m listening.” I said, crossing my arms.
“I’m sorry I was shutting you out.” He let out a sigh, but I knew there was more. “I probably hurt you more than I think and I’m sorry. I was just really confused.” He took a deep breath. “But I wanted to tell you this before you heard it from someone else.” Pause. “I’m leaving.”
At first I didn’t think I heard him right. What? He’s leaving? But he just got here! Jonathan must have seen the confused look on my face and began to explain.
“I applied for the Army last summer, just seeing if I could get into their pre-training programs, so I could get ready for the real training. I didn’t expect to get accepted into the program so early..” he trailed off.
Why was he telling me this? “So when are you leaving?” I asked, curious.
“Next week.” He replied.
“So soon?” I asked, not meaning to say it out loud.
“Yeah. I will be able to train for six months before I can start the real training that way. I have good enough grades to graduate early so I guess that’s why this all worked out.”
“Why are you telling me?” I asked, suddenly curious on why he thought it was even important for me to know in the first place.
He hesitated. “I dunno. I just thought you might want to know.”
“Tell me why, really.” I said, knowing he was lying to me.
“I dunno, Amara. There was just part of me that knew I had to tell you. I know you don’t probably care, but I just thought you should know. I feel bad because of earlier.”
Whatever. I thought to myself. He was just so stupid. I’m so done with him. He lies. I don’t even know why he bothered to tell me. What did bother me though was the fact that he though I didn’t care, because deep down there was another piece of me that was falling away. I mean the Army? What if he dies. One kiss. My first kiss, and he’s just gone? I’m supposed to remember him forever. What is something horrible happened to him? For some reason my eyes started to tear up, but I could never let him see my feelings for him.
I blinked a couple times. “Okay, well thanks for telling me.” I said and turned to leave.
Jonathan didn’t say anything to me. He just let me walk away. I don’t even know what just happened. What was going on? Do I have feelings for Jonathan? I thought I was over him. We only talked a couple times since school started. Sure we kissed and hung out a couple times, but it wasn’t like I had real feelings for him. Then again, I thought I was in love the day I first met him. I guess I really don’t know what I’ve got until it’s gone. I wonder what he’s thinking.
When I got outside I called Carter and asked him to pick me up. I has left my car at school and needed to pick it up before the weekend.
I few minutes later I was in the car with Carter. It was silent as he drove to the school. The only thing I told Carter was that Jonathan was leaving. I still hadn’t figured out what else was going on.
“Feel free to call me if you want later. Or text me Amara. I’m always here for ya girl,” Carter said, dropping me off at my house. “I’m always willing to listen and look out for you.”
“Thanks Carter, really,” I said, trying to smile.
I walking into my house and crawled to my room throwing myself onto my bed. I curled myself into a small ball just as tears began to leak from my eyes.
Someone please explain to me what was going on. I don’t have any feelings for Jonathan. I hadn’t talked to him in so long, why was all the emotion flowing out now?
As soon as Amara left, I went up to my room and fell onto my bed. I had no idea what had just happened. I hadn’t talked to Amara in almost four months and now I was just told her I was leaving. Right out nowhere. I probably hurt her even more.
I really didn’t know what I was thinking when I stopped her in the hallway. Part of me just wanted to tell her I was leaving before I was gone. I didn’t want to hurt her more, I guess. I was seriously confused on my emotions though. I mean I knew I felt something for here, I mean everyone did.
After kissing her, I just never got her out of my head. I had known that there was a chance that I could be leaving in the middle of the year, but tucked that away, I guess.
I had been trying to put space between me and Amara lately. She had been really good friends with Carter, which was good. As much as I hated to say it, he was better for her. At least he wasn’t ditching her. I knew that Carter could take care of her when I was away, so I reluctantly let her go. Now, I regret it. I should have stayed close to her. Although, I think it will be better this way. She doesn’t deserve me and I don’t want to hurt her again anyway.
I had been hooking up with Christy lately also, which was weird and I don’t think Amara knew about it. Christy and I were in a sort of “friends with benefits” sort of relationship which was good because there were no emotions involved, which made it easier for me to tell Christy we were done because I was leaving. I was talking to a few other girls to, just trying to get my mind off of Amara, but that never worked out the way I wanted it to.
There is just so much going on right now, it is overwhelming. I really needed to focus on the Army and preparing some ass kicking in a couple of weeks. I was actually really excited to get my training started. I have always wanted to be in the Army and now my dream was finally coming true. Hopefully the next six months would go by fast, though.
I get to come home in the summer for a few weeks before heading off to another training camp in Missouri. Maybe I will be able to talk to Amara then, if she doesn’t forget me.
I had so many thoughts running through my head, it was hard to fall sleep, but I finally managed after thinking about the first kiss I stole from Amara.