The Fairest of Them All
A Letter To The ReadersEveryone lives an unoriginal life. It's merely a fact of the universe up there with gravity, planetary movements, and unicorns. Well, perhaps not unicorns, but for the sake of the Unicorn Union not suing the author of this book for being discriminant towards unicorns, we're going to add unicorns onto the list of universal truths, which, while we're at it, includes other things such as chocolate and Oprah. And if that sounded like a run-on sentence, it probably was, in which case, a sincere apology to English instructors everywhere.
It's difficult to live an original life when you're destined to be a specific fairytale character and your story was painstakingly written down on sheep's stomach centuries ago by slightly blind monks who had no lives, therefore they had time to write on sheep stomach about princes and princesses and really ugly goblin like creatures that have terrible dental plans and no sense of hygiene whatsoever. That's a problem [especially the hygiene, but we're not going to get into that. Goblin hygiene is a book in itself].
The problem is, every citizen in this magical realm is destined to live the life of a fairytale character who lived and died a few centuries ago. Ten centuries to be exact, or one millennium if you prefer. And the fairytale character they are destined to be is directly related to who their great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother/father/goblin was. Which means Cinderella's descendants are always going to put up with bratty step-siblings who look like trolls and he/she is going to have to put up with some uncomfortable footwear at some point in life. Belle's kids are going to end up dating some really unsavory and sketchy characters who will later turning into real winners. And Snow White's kids are going to be chilling in a frat house with seven dudes.
Yes, we're modernized. Just because everyone in this fairytale land is stuck repeating the same old story their ancestors did, doesn't mean we haven't made some slight adjustments to keep up with the times. See: frat houses and beer pong. But that's another story.
Q: What about the unfortunate individuals who aren't descended from fairytale characters and therefore don't have their entire life written out for them?
A: There are none. We don't have any. This fairytale kingdom is fresh out of characters we like to call 'Storyless'. Well, alright, we do sorta-kinda-not-really-in-a-sense-ifyoucloseoneeyeandsquintrealhard have a Storyless character. But just one, so don't call go calling exterminators or anything like that because there is no infestation and she's not bothering anyone.
And that is what this story is all about.
[ps. this is the only real funny chapter and it's not even a chapter. but we swear the story is worth reading.]