Killer

December 6, 2011
By Tbug1997 PLATINUM, Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania
Tbug1997 PLATINUM, Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania
29 articles 1 photo 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
When in doubt... Blame it on your siblings
when life gives you skittles throw them at random people and yell FEEL THE RAINBOW


Summary:

There is a girl named Annabelle. She has long wild red hair always in a braid, catlike green eyes, tan, tall. Annabelle works as an assassin her main weapon her long braid that has a knife hidden in it. With one whip of her hair could kill someone she worked in a little unknown place called Devils Grove. She was the most dangerous and beautiful girl in all of Devil Grove. Annabelle was feared by almost everyone in her village excepted her sister Carolina with smooth blonde hair, calm blue eyes, short, skinny and her best friend Daniel with Dark deep Brown eyes, light brown hair, tall, muscular. No matter how hard she tried to ignore it she felt a strong connection to Daniel. Annabelle must decide between Daniel and running away from the king and Queen of Devils Grove.


Taylor J.

Killer


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This book has 4 comments.


on Dec. 14 2011 at 6:23 pm
Tbug1997 PLATINUM, Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania
29 articles 1 photo 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
When in doubt... Blame it on your siblings
when life gives you skittles throw them at random people and yell FEEL THE RAINBOW

Kinley451 thanks for commenting on my story so nicely and its ok i did ask CarrieAnn13 for critism it helps me become a better writer

on Dec. 13 2011 at 6:05 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1648 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

Kinley451, since you're new here I'm going to forgive you for not knowing exactly how 'feedback for feedback' works.  Tbug asked me to look at her novel and criticize only her style, seeing as I had criticized her grammar before.  So I did.  And you might notice that at the end of all my criticism, I said that her novel certainly has potential, but there are a few things that need to be worked on.  Tbug has critized my work as well.  There's nothing wrong with asking for criticism.

on Dec. 13 2011 at 4:55 pm
Kinley451 SILVER, Birmingham, Alabama
6 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
There is so much to think about and nothing to worry about!

First i think its cool and interesting!

Second i think CarrieAnn13 you should keep all of your criticism to yourself!!

 


on Dec. 10 2011 at 7:38 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1648 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

Okay, I have a bit of criticism.  You know my feelings about your grammar, so I'll just criticize your style.

1.  Work on your dialogue a bit.  It's better than some of the stuff on here, but I think it could be even better if you read it aloud to yourself and correct accordingly.

2.  Dialogue usually goes on a separate line, especially when there's a new speaker.

3.  A little more description would be nice.  I really want to know more about what's going on!

4.  You might want to explain more about your characters.  They kind of seem random people, which makes the reader ask, 'Why should I care about these people?'  I think a little more description would help this.

Your writing has a lot of potential, so keep working at it!



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