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I Miss You
Do you know that saying, the one where they say "out of sight, out of mind?"
Don't believe it, its not true.
He's been on my mind since he left. He got on the train, and waved goodbye to me as the train began to move. Slowly picking up speed, getting further away.
Your probably wondering what happened. I'll tell you, it was something I didn't want to have happen, but something he had been waiting and exited for.
After we graduated from high school Tyler went straight to college, leaving me behind. After all we had been through he just left.
When we were kids we used to play together in our yards. Our houses were right next to each other. But now Tyler was living in a college dorm.
I wasn't planning to go to college. I was planning to open my own art studio in our small little town. I got a job at a little ice cream shop so I could save up to buy my own shop.
I walked up the porch steps of my house, I had just gotten back from my job. I got my key out and stuck it in the keyhole. The front door creaked open and I expected it to fall off its hinges. The house was dead quiet. My parents weren't home yet.
I walked up the steps of the stairs. When I reached the top I turned right and walked right into my room. I threw my backpack onto my bed and walked back out.
I ran down the stairs and out the back door. I didn't stop running until I reach the woods behind my house. It was a beautiful summer day. I took a deep breath, taking in the fresh air. I began to slowly walk in the woods. The leaves on the trees were a bright green. It was beautiful in here, so green, so open. I looked up at the bright blue sky. I laid down in the grass and watched the white clouds slowly float across the sky. I sighed.
I wish I could walk on air.
I couldn't help but think of Tyler. This was where we used to come when we studied and did our homework after school. His smile played through my mind. His lips curving up into a smile whenever I told him a joke or funny gossip from school.
Tyler and I had met when we were five. That day I had went exploring in the woods behind my house for the first time. That was when I ran into Tyler. I had hid shyly behind a tree and watched him secretly until he noticed me. He had frowned at the tree that I had been hiding behind then walked up to me with a big friendly smile. I had smiled back shyly, but stayed behind the tree. He had taken my hand and led me out from behind the tree.
Then all of a sudden we graduated and Tyler left. What had happened to all those years in between? I had been 5 years old and now I was almost 18. The years had flown by and I couldn't get them back. I had, had a crush on Tyler after just a week of being with him when we were five, but over the years my feelings grew stronger and impossible to ignore.
I loved Tyler, and there was nothing I or anyone else could do about it.
What was happening at the college Tyler was studying at?
Did he have a girlfriend? That was why I was so scared when Tyler went to college.
I was afraid that he didn't have the same feelings for me as I did for him.
What if he didn't love me?
The day after he got on the train to leave I was laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I stayed like that for hours, thinking about him.
And that was what I was doing now. But I was trying not to think about him. I sighed and sat up. Mom and Dad had gotten home an hour ago and it was almost time for dinner. I went over to my desk and turned on my laptop.
I surfed the web for about an hour before Mom called me for dinner. I ran down the stairs and before I even reached the bottom I could smell the fantastic scent of spaghetti. I took a deep breath and let it out. I LOVED SPAGHETTI!
"How was your day?" Mom asked as soon as I entered the kitchen.
"Good," I said as I sat down and placed my napkin in my lap.
Mom turned and gave me a look. "No details?"
I rolled my eyes. "I worked at an ice cream shop all day."
It was Mom's turn to roll her eyes. She placed a plate of spaghetti in front of me and Dad, and then sat down with her plate. Dad smiled at me before putting a forkful of food in his mouth.
After we finished eating I went back up to my room. I just opened the door when I heard a, DING!
I scanned my room for my cell phone, but I didn't see it. I went over to my bag and looked through it before I found what I was looking for.
'NEW TEXT MESSAGE' it read. I clicked on my messages. My eyes widened.
'ONE NEW MESSAGE FROM TYLER.'
TYLER! A message from Tyler! I was tempted to squeal in happiness as I held the phone over my heart. He hasn't text me in months! I looked at the new massage.
'Hey ALEXANDRA did your mom tell u the good news?'
Good news? What 'good news'?
"MOM!" I called down.
"Yeah?" She called back.
"Is there something you need to tell me?"
"Hold on, I'm coming."
I listened as she walked up the stairs. What was she going to say? What was the good news? The suspense was killing me! I looked up when I heard my door, slowly, creak open. Mom came over to me and sat just beside me, on my bed.
"Tyler is coming home in a few weeks," she told me.
YOU might be thinking 'Oh well that's all?' but ME? I was bouncing and screaming like a little girl on the inside.
Tyler was coming home!
I turned away from her and looked down at my phone.
'Yeah she just told me. When r u coming?'
I waited nervously and impatiently for him to answer.
'I'm leaving tomorrow. Can't wait 2 see u :)'
My heart swelled up and it beat rapidly. What should I say?
I love you Tyler was what I wanted to text back. But I was a coward and didn't.
'Me 2, see u then :D'
When Mom left the room I sighed and flopped on my bed. I looked up at the texts we had shared before placing it on top of my chest and closing my eyes.
Tyler was coming.
I love you Tyler and I'll tell you as soon as I get the chance to be alone with you.
Tyler I love you.
Today he was coming back, coming back to me. What would I say to him? Would I tell him my feelings for him? The questions I had that morning when I woke up wouldn't be answered until later that afternoon. When I would see him.
I rummaged through my closet, looking for something to wear. I wanted to wear something sexy, mature, cute, and eye catchable. I wanted him to look at me and think that I was all those things.
When I was finished getting ready I was looking at myself in the mirror. Then it hit me. Why was he coming home? There had to be a reason. A specific reason. I had been so exited that he was coming home that I hadn't realize that he was in the middle of college.
He was in the middle college, so why was he coming back?
Later that day the doorbell rang. Was it Tyler? I was nervous and expecting the worst. Something had to be wrong for him to leave college. He had been so exited about college when we graduated.
"Alexandra Tyler's parents are here!" Mom yelled, obviously wanting for me to come say hello.
I looked at myself in the full length mirror one last time. I was wearing a long white shirt with a sleeveless light blue tank-top and I was barefoot.
I bounced happily down the stairs to meet Tyler's parents. But that's not all who was there.
Tyler stood next to his father smiling brightly at me.
Just like when we first met.
'Why are you here?' The question was on the tip of my tongue and threatening to come out.
Tyler was sitting beside me in the LaZ-Boy chair. I wasn't paying any attention to our parents conversation I was deep in thought.
Tyler wasn't talking to me. Was he failing in college? If he was home why didn't he want to just spend time with his parents? Should I say something? What should I say? What should I do?
Later Mom led us to the dinning room for dinner. I didn't really pay attention to the conversations around the table but I heard bits and pieces. Dad, Tyler's dad and Tyler were talking about his college. Every now and then Dad would look over at me as if to say, 'See college wouldn't kill you.'
And my mom and Tyler's mom were talking about going to the movies later this week.
Anxious butterflies were swarming around in my stomach. Why wasn't Tyler talking to me? Was he ignoring me? Why?
"I have something to tell everyone after dinner," Tyler said just when Mom got up to go get desert.
My stomach dropped. This was it. Something was coming that no one at this table was going to like, I could feel it.
Bad news was just around the corner.
I could tell that Tyler's parents were anxious to hear Tyler's news. The way Tyler's mom held herself up in her chair, shoulders tense and eyes staring straight ahead, I knew that she had the same SPIDER SENSE as I did. We both knew that something bad was coming.
We all ate quietly. There was no sound other than the scraping of forks. And when desert was over no one asked or offered anything else. All eyes were on Tyler.
His eyes were on the white flowery table cloth. My hands were shaking in my lap. Tyler sighed heavily and looked up and stared at the wall.
"I'm joining the army," Tyler said.
Beside me Tyler's mom dropped her fork. In the shocking silence when the fork hit the plat it sounded like a wrecking ball hitting a building.
I ran from the house and to the safety of the woods. It was getting dark so I couldn't really see where I was going. He was leaving. He was going somewhere where the possibility of him dying was probably 60% and I couldn't have that. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I didn't try to stop them. I didn't brush them away and I didn't blink several times so they would stop coming, I just let them fall. He was leaving. When I couldn't walk anymore I collapsed to the green grassy ground and laid there. I couldn't take it.
I couldn't take the pain, the lose and the loneliness I felt. Why? Why was he doing this? I couldn't tell him my feelings now. If I did and he felt the same way . . . if he died on the battlefield - I cringed - I wouldn't be able to take it. The pain would be to much. But what if I did tell him and he felt the same way and he stayed because if it? Would he? If he died before I could tell him how I felt I'd never know.
How could I tell him? What would I do if he didn't love me? Pain, loss? What would I feel? What would I do if he went to the army anyway? What would I do if he died?
I imagined his face in a coffin and icicles ran down my back. His face pale white and the freckles around his nose very noticeable. I shook my head and curled up into a ball. I couldn't let those thoughts get to me, I couldn't think about them. Cause he's going to be fine. Everything was going to be fine.
"Alexandra!" Tyler's voice called.
I didn't answer. I didn't want to see him right now. I didn't want him to see me like this. He called me several times and each time it was closer. I had moved from the grass to behind a tree.
"Alexandra if you don't answer me I'll go read you diary!" Tyler threatened. I giggled weakly from behind the tree.
"Did you hear what I said?" Tyler whispered in my ear.
I screamed and backed away from him. He smiled as if he'd just won the lottery. Tyler always loved scaring me. I sighed and waited for my heartbeat to slow. Tyler didn't say anything and didn't look at me.
What was he thinking about? What should I do?
"Tyler," I whispered, staring at the ground. "Don't go."
Tyler sighed heavily then turned to me. "Why?"
I looked up at him and moved closer. I put a hand on his chest, over his heart, and looked into his eyes.
"Cause I don't want you to go," I whispered.
I couldn't bring myself to say 'because I love you' I was a chicken.
Tyler stared right back at me. Our noses were close and our lips even closer.
'What was going to happen next?' Was all I could think.
Tyler smiled. "That's the only reason? My parents told me that just before I ran out after you."
I looked away from him. Could I say it out loud? Could I tell him? I sighed heavily.
"You can't leave because . . . because . . . I love you," I whispered the last part.
Had he even heard me? I kept my eyes down but I didn't move away from him. He was silent. Why was he silent? Why wasn't he saying anything?
"Alexandra," Tyler whispered.
Here it comes. I couldn't look up at him, fresh hot tears threatened to pour and I tried to keep them back. It felt like someone had punched me in the gut and then ran over me with a car.
"I'm going to join the army no matter what you or anyone else says," Tyler said.
WHAT? Did he not believe me? Did he think that I said that so he wouldn't leave?
"What?" I said confused.
I looked up at him. How could he think I wasn't serious?
"Tyler what are you talking about?"
"I-I love you too Alex, but I don't want to do anything about it because I'm going away," he said.
My heart swelled and I couldn't seam to look away from him. He loved me. He said he loved me.
"But Tyler you don't have to go," I said.
"I know Alex but I want to. This was what I want to do, I'm eighteen now I'm old enough."
"But Tyler do you realize what it would do to me if you died?" I nearly shouted.
He knew what his death would do to me. He had to. I have a guess of what it would feel like, but I didn’t know what I’d do. I stared into his wonderful eyes that I lived so much. Could he see what I was feeling? Did he know how much I didn’t want him to do this? I couldn’t stand by and wait for him to come home whenever he got the chance. I couldn’t. It would kill me, it would torment me. If I had known that this was what he wanted to do with his life I wouldn’t have complained to myself s much while he was in college. I wish he had stayed at college, I wish he hadn’t come here and I wish he’d never come back. If that was the price I would have to pay for him to stay away from the army - for him to stay alive - I’d pay it.
“Tyler I need you to stay here,” I said desperately.
Tyler sighed heavily and rubbed the back of his neck. “Alexandra . . .”
“Tyler listen to me I love you, I need you, and I don’t want anything to happen to you,” I said.
Tyler looked away and I placed a hand on his chest, hoping that by my touch he’d look at me. He did. His eyes looked sad and distant.
“Alex I’m going.”
And he did. He left. He joined the army a few weeks later. He went to boot camp and then he went off to war.
Our children played in the backyard while I sat in Tyler’s lap. He looked good in a uniform. Ryan (our son) had blond – almost white – long hair. And Rachel (our daughter) had my brown hair. They were perfect, and they were ours. Tyler was still in the army and he came home whenever he could to see me and our beautiful children. I still didn’t approve of him going to war, but he still wanted to do it so I let him.
“I should go make dinner before the kids get hungry,” I sat about to stand.
Tyler wrapped his arms around me so I couldn’t leave his arms. He buried his face in my hair and I felt his lips graze my neck. I wanted him closer. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him on the lips. He kissed me back, full and sweetly. That was when the kids ran in screaming
Mommy and Daddy sitting in a tree
First comes love
then comes marriage
Then come ME in the baby carriage!
Tyler and I couldn’t help but laugh.
We were happy and in our own little happy world.
And I never wanted it to end.
The End :)