When Hearts Turn
Author's note: I just thought it would be cool to write about something like this. I find hypocrisy hilarious... Show full author's note »
Intense GuiltI was so shocked by the kiss that I didn’t stop him. His lips stayed pressed to mine softly, and I didn’t move in protest at all. By the time I was over the shock, I was so mesmerized by the kiss that I didn’t want it to stop and I felt my self leaning in, kissing him back.
Our lips moving together…
His body leaning against mine…
My hands through his amazing hair…
Then – wake up call – I was out of it!
“Landon!” I pushed
“Skylar, you know that I –”
“Get out!” I cried. I pointed to the door. “Get out, get out, get out!”
Landon looked distressed as if he wanted to spend eons of time with me, but couldn’t. I felt tears begging to be set free, but I willed them to hold as I rushed him away.
“Landon, you have to leave right now! You can’t – Eee!”
I found myself on the floor, my legs tangled in a black bag that I hadn’t seen. A pair of strong hands helped me to my feet, and I was looking into Landon’s impossibly beautiful eyes once again. “Skylar, are you all right?”
I nodded quickly. “Just a stupid bag…” I looked back and noticed whose stupid bag it was and choked up. “Ben’s bag.” I looked back at Landon and my tears spilled over. “You have to go. You have to go NOW!”
I pushed him out of my room, and I pushed him down the stairs, and I pushed him out the door saying, “Just go, just GO!” the whole time.
Landon finally gave up and sulked back to his car. I didn’t bother watching him drive away. I ran back up to my room and kicked down the chair that he was sitting on. I kicked Ben’s bag to the corner of the room, guilt overflowing in gallons of tears.
I flopped back on my bed, my head in the pillows. The worst part about of the kiss was that I enjoyed it all. I enjoyed kissing Landon, my best friend’s boyfriend. I enjoyed kissing Landon, my boyfriend’s friend. I enjoyed kissing Landon, and it was the best kiss I’d ever experienced.
The only thing that sucked worse than betraying my boyfriend and my best friend simultaneously was that I knew that if I was given the chance to redo that scene, I wouldn’t have deleted it – I would’ve kept it on replay.
I was jumpy as I walked to school that morning. Every cry out was followed by an image of Anna of Ben in a state of hurt, shock, and slight anger. I’d turn around, and just see some other random kids having fun and acting like everything in the world was perfect – in their worlds it was. In their worlds, they weren’t all back-stabbing hypocrites like me.
I plugged my earphones into my ears, hoping to get lost in the endless songs that filled my iPod and nearly took away the pain from my reality. I was so engulfed in my tunes that I didn’t hear anyone approaching me until they were loudly saying my name and their arms were wrapped around my waist.
My first thought was Landon. My second thought was his lips. My third thought was, ‘You witch! Get over him!’ So I turned around, expecting to see emeralds of undeniable beauty, but instead saw the innocence and purity of blue.
I unplugged my earphones and stared at her dumbfounded that speaking terms were back on so quickly. “Um… hi?”
Anna gave me a sad smile and leaned her head on my shoulder with a sigh. “I’m so sorry!”
I couldn’t believe the irony in my life. Anna was apologizing to me at this moment – there was no way she knew yet. Yet?!?! It had to be kept this way! There was no way I could let my nightmares as a friendless boyfriend stealer come true!
“Sorry? Why are you –?”
Anna hugged me tightly and we stopped walking. “I can’t stand not talking to you for this long! I’m sorry, sorry, sorry! I understand why you’re wary of Landon, but I shouldn’t have overreacted.”
I shook my head stubbornly, trying to shift the blame to me. Maybe blame would make the guilt wear off? “No, Anna, this is my fault. I’m bossy and I try to run you, but –”
“Nothing more about it!” Anna interrupted. “We’re both forgiven?”
I nodded, my stomach flipping at her adorable face. “Yeah. Totally forgiven.”
“Great!” Anna exclaimed. “Because I have an idea that can’t fail us or our friendship!”
“You do?” I asked her as we turned into the schoolyard. I spotted Landon’s crowd, Carter, but no Landon. I exhaled with relief. “What is it?”
Anna led me around the side of the school and smiled as she took my hand. “You hate Landon, right?”
“Well, not so much anymore because –”
“I decided that you two should get to know each other,” Anna said. “That way, you could actually like him and not, you know, throw up every time you see us together.”
I stopped in my tracks. “No.”
Anna frowned at me. “No?” She looked saddened. “You can’t even give him a chance, Skylar?”
“I told you she wouldn’t.”
My mouth dropped open as Ben came into view with Landon in tow with uncharacteristic shy smile. “You’re in on her little plan?”
Ben laughed and smothered me in a hug jokingly. “Nah; she just ran it by me, that’s all. But I told her you wouldn’t be up for it.”
Anna still looked sad as her small shoulders were warmed by Landon’s arm. “Skylar…”
I couldn’t even meet Landon’s eyes even though I knew they were searching me and willing me to look over at him. I gently pushed Ben away and folded my arms across my chest.
“You know, this is ridiculous, right?” I said to them all. “I don’t need an intervention for him! He’s just one guy! Ben, if you want me to like your friend, fine I will! Anna, if you want me to be cool with you’re boyfriend, I will! Just don’t make me try to love him as much as you two do!”
I looked at the two of them, waiting for responses. They both looked wary, as if they were afraid that I was going to blow up again. This was not what I wanted. This was not what I expected to happen when Anna’s shirt got soaked!
I tried for my best ‘I’m-just-kidding’ smile and opened my arms for Anna. “Sure, I’ll try your plan. C’mere.”
She hugged me back, and I felt this overwhelming feeling of guilt. For the first time since yesterday, I locked eyes with Landon. He tried for a normal smile, but something was held back, and he wasn’t his normal cocky self that I somehow fell for.
After a painful lunch with Landon and Anna acting all cutesy as couples do for the first few weeks of their relationships, we had spare, so I decided to lollygag and do nothing, hoping my guilty thoughts wouldn’t kill me before my broken heart could.
“You have to talk to me.”
I jumped at the sound of an undeniable voice that I’d come to love and hate simultaneously (if that was possible). I turned on Landon quickly. “You’re making trouble.”
“You are, Skylar!” he exclaimed, coming closer. He looked around a few times before grabbing me and pulling me outside of the school, back to the place where the four of us were this morning. “You know that you like me and it kills you. …You know that I like you and that kills me. So can you just drop this stupid act and admit it already!”
I glared at him. “Listen to me: Anna is my best friend. SHE likes you! NOT me! HER! Even if I did have the slightest feelings for you, I’d never do anything about them because you’re with another girl.”
Landon gave me a look that I read as disbelief.
I blushed with fury. I didn’t believe myself either. Who would after the amazing episode in my bedroom on Saturday?
“What about that kiss, Skylar?” Landon asked me, daring me to lie. “You know that meant something or you wouldn’t have been crying!”
“Shut up!” I hissed, covering his mouth quickly. “If anybody hears us, we're screwed. Scratch that, we are already screwed! How can you live with yourself? I know I can’t!”
Landon turned his back on me and ran his fingers through his hair slowly before meeting my eyes again. “You know I have feelings – that’s why you gave me that chance after all, isn’t it? So you know that this is killing me too. But not being with you is hurting even more.”
My head was spinning at his words. I dropped to the ground, my head between my knees. “My life’s a mess.”
Landon sighed and dropped beside me. “Yeah, I know; and it’s all my fault.”
I looked at his sad silhouette and felt bad. I was pushing all the blame on him when this was just as much my fault as his. Why would I take him to my room? Why couldn’t I just focus on China? Why had I shown any emotion at all? I couldn’t let Landon – sweet, adorable, and caring as he secretly was – have this huge burden on his shoulders.
I lifted my head to look at him and nudged him softly until he lifted his head too. “It’s not completely your fault.” I smiled tiredly. “I’m the one that fell for you.”
Landon smiled, this time all out, and his eyes were in the smile too. I could tell that he wanted to kiss me then. I could tell that he wanted to wrap me in his arms, but he held back because he didn’t want me yelling at him again. …But I wanted it as much as he.
I nodded slowly, and he understood. He lifted my chin with his fingers and placed a long kiss on my waiting lips.
“Skylar? Landon? You out here?”
Landon and I separated right away and he dragged himself a few safe feet away from me on the ground just as Anna round the corner. She paused for a second, assessing the scene, and then grinned. “You two are getting along?”
Landon nodded and got up, putting his arm around her. “You bet.”
The sight caused my heart to cramp up a little bit, but I let it go without scolding. My brain tried to punish me with the brutal truth: Serves you right! Landon is Anna’s, NOT yours!
I went back to the feeling of Landon’s kiss and that put a smile on my face as I got off the ground too. I simply waved to Anna and Landon as I tried to leave without evidence of weasel-like behaviour, “See you two later.”
I only wished that my actions would follow through with my brain eventually so I wouldn’t lose my best friend.