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The Land Of Everlasting Night
Author's note: I wrote this when I was in class and a cloud came over the sun. It really made me unhappy, and I wondered what it would be like if the sun went out for good.
"Brides are not supposed to cry!" My mother snaps at me as she paints my face with makeup.
"You're going to smudge your make up, pull yourself together girl!" My aunt sneers. She has a face like a sheep's and a voice like a cartoon's. I continue to cry and try to stand up.
"Sit down!" My mother pushes me back into my seat. I cry uncontrollably and shake all over. My mother furiously rubs the tears out of my eyes, hurting the delicate skin under my eyes with her rough movements. I eventually have no more tears to cry, so instead sit there, gasping for breath like a fish out of water. My mother's eyes flash at me in anger, as do my aunt's. It strikes me how ugly they both are, with their eyes painted blue an violet, their fake eyelashes fluttering. They have rubbed their ugliness on me, as they've painted my face whiter and my lips red.
When they are done painting my face they allow me to stand. I run to the door and pound on it with my hands.
"Steven! Steven!" I scream. My mother begins to drag me away from the door. "Steven! Steven where are you?" My voice is hysterical now. I fight against my mother as she drags me. She throws me back into the chair and slaps me. My cheek burns.
"Don't you ever say that name! Don't you ever!" She slaps me again. I won't take this any more. I kick her, hard, in the knee and she buckles. I rise and say.
"Don't you slap me! You mutton dressed as lamb you!" I sneer down at her.
"I feel for the man marring you, girl, I feel for him!" She shouts back.
"I feel for you, mother dearest, I feel for you. Your youth has gone! Now you are just a bitter old woman. You are cruel and stupid. How I would hate to be you." I walk away and lean against the door. I am terrified. I can handle my mother, she is weak and stupid. However ,my groom will be another story. My mother and my aunt watch me, as though expecting me to blow up or something.
"Get your eyes of me you old hags!" I snap at them. They both look away and shift nervously. I try to breath evenly. I try the door again, it's locked. I grab a chair and hit the door with it. Not even a scratch appears on the door. My anger wells. I throw the chair against the floor. I then grab a near by vase and throw it, smashing one of the mirrors. I glare into my shattered, painted image. I bite my lip.
"Steven!" I scream again. Although it is hopeless. He has been killed. I know that now. There is some kind of freedom in shouting his name. For some reason, shouting his name makes it all seem less hopeless. My mother suddenly pounces on me with a syringe. She drives it into my arm.
"It's just sedation." My aunt says from behind my mother. "So you don't run away." I scream in anger and step on my mother's toe as hard as I can. She screams also and staggers back. Now she regrets dressing me in heels. I pull the syringe from my arm and smash it against the wall.
"How I would love to see you suffer!" I tell my mother. She takes a few steps backwards. "Some day, mother, I will make you suffer for what you have done to me, just you wait. You may forget this, mother, but I never will, not ever! You have treated me terribly and I will never forgive you, Never! Just you wait, mother, just you wait!" The drugs are already taking effect, they must have been quite strong. My vision is blurring and my mind is swimming.
"You will not be so wayward and violent now, girl." My aunt sneers. I throw a bottle of perfume at her, it hits her in the chest and breaks, spilling perfume all over her. The stink of it fills my lungs and revives me slightly.
"Shut up!" I snap. The floor looms up towards me,They catch my arms and the door opens. They support me as we head for the marriage hall. My feet stumble beneath me.I use the last of my strength to fight against them.
"Steven!" I manage to say. the veil is lowered over my eyes, making the whole world a light color. I am so dizzy. Ahead of me the isle is long and wide. The wedding march pounds in my ears. i feel like throwing up. The hands of my aunt and mother pinch at my arms, stopping me from passing out completely. They must have planned this out.
I cannot make out the groom's face, my vision is too blurry. There is a voice droning on somewhere, I can't make out their words. Then there is a long pause. Another voice says two words. Then the other voice drones. Then another long pause. my mother pinches my arm very hard. I sway.
"I do." My voice is very high and childlike. I'm guessing that's what I was meant to say. The vail is lifted and lips pressed against mine. It's all over now. There is no way out is death now.
I begin to cry again. Then I fall over and continue to cry into the carpet. Hands lift me up, I stare up into the ceiling, a light blinds me.
"Amora, speak to me!" A voice says. The hands shake me. I let out a small whimpering sound. This must be the groom. I scream and struggle. The hands let go and I stumble away. There must be some place to hide. I kick of my shoes and stumble forwards. The world sways and swings before me.I suddenly smash into a wall. I run my hands along the walls until i found a door.
"Amora, what are you doing?" A voice asks me.
"Go away!" I shout. My voice is high and croaky. "Leave me alone, please, please!" I suddenly find myself on the floor. I crawl forward. If I crawl I don't have very far to fall. I run one hand against the wall, I then find a door and crawl into a wardrobe and lock the door from the inside.
Maybe I will be safe here. I curl up in a corner and cover my swimming head with my arms. I hear the door being ripped open. He's strong. I scream. He kneels beside me and pulls my arms away from my head.
"Amora, look at me." He says. I burry my face in my knees. "Amora look at me." He repeats. Then he lifts my head back by my hair and looks down into my eyes. "You're high. What they give you?" He says dismissively . I struggle. "Who do you think I am? Tell me that. Am I satan? Who am I?"
"Leave me alone! Please! Leave me alone!" I croak. He lets ago of my hair and smacks my thigh as an old friend might.
"You hated me that much huh? They had to drug you to get you down the isle. That mother of yours is a piece of work huh?" He says. I press my face back into my knees. That's when I pass out.
I stare out at the sky. It has been so long since the sun's warm rays touched this earth. I would like to know what sun rays feel like, I would like to feel them warm against my skin. That will never be though. The sun went out many years ago, those who felt it's rays have long been buried under the cold earth. With them went the memories of what the sun's rays felt like.
We now live in the land of everlasting night. There is no moon, only stars. We live inside, so we are all very pale creatures. The wars we fight with one and other are fought under florescent light. I have never fought a war. I have never even left this compound. I have never felt the wind in my hair, or felt the rain against my skin, or touched the soil. I look out at the night now, and press my fingers against the cold glass and watch the stars. If you watch them long enough, you see shooting stars. They make me happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy because shooting stars are beautiful as they streak across the dark sky; I'm sad because they mean the death of a star. I heard once that in order for something to begin, something else has to end. That makes me wonder, what will begin when I end?
"Are you alright now?" The groom asks. I turn away from the stars and nod. "You don't say much, do you?" He asks, more to himself then to me. I look away from him and out the window again. I wish I could leave this place.
"I'm going to work now, if you need anything, call." He says, I hear him leave. He is a military official, so he works often. I'm glad of that, I don't like him. Soon he will try to touch me. I can't bare the thought of that. His voice hurts my ears, his touch would burn my skin. I stare up at the stars, hoping for a comet to rush down and hit me. That would be nice. To die, to die in a beautiful way. That would end my life with something beautiful. That's what I want. To end with something beautiful. That way, something good would come of my existence.
"Amora!" That voice starts my heart pounding. I leap from where I'm sitting and into his arms.
"Steven! Steven!" I bury my face in his chest and hold him close to me. I breath his smell.
"Did he hurt you? I'll kill him!" Steven growls.
"No. No he did nothing to me. Steven, I thought you were dead and I wanted to die!" He puts his arms around me. I look up at him.
"Don't say that, please don't say that!" He says, his voice soft now.
"It's true! Without you | don't want to live."
"Don't say that." He repeats and holds me closer. "When I die, I want to know you're alive, and that you'll keep on living."
"I'd kill myself! You wouldn't be able to stop me!" I say into his chest. "I'd join you on the other side wether if you wanted me too or not!"
"You're so contrary." He mutters.
"I am surprised they didn't kill you actually."
"They locked me up, and made me feel a bit miserable, but that was it."
"What did they do?" I ask him. He doesn't say anything. that means it was pretty bad. He always does that. If he is ever hurt he clams up and won't say anything. It's like, if he's ever hurt he views it as a secret. "Well at least you're in one piece."
"Run away with me." He says. I take a step backwards and let go of him.
"Don't talk like that."
"Run away with me!" He repeats, his eyes Wild.
"Don't say things like that when you know it can never be."
"No. We'd be killed, straight away. We would get lost and starve. We can't Steven!" i sigh and avoid his eyes. "It's impossible."
"Nothing is impossible."
"We'd be found, in a matter of hours. Then we'd be hunted with dogs and shot. "
"but imagine if we weren't! Imagine that! We could be together, we could be happy!"
"Stop! Just stop!" I push him away but he holds me fast.
"Listen to me! Don't you want that? Don't you want to be with me?"
"Yes, of course I do, but I know it can never be." He lets me go and I walk away. Then he grabs me again. He's mad now.
"You're mine! Not his!"
"Is that what this is about?" I glare up into his eyes. He glares down at me furiously. "Don't get us killed because you're jealous."
"Yeah, I am jealous! You've gone and married another man!"
"You think I had a choice?And what do you mean 'another man' you're a boy!" I snap.
"He lays a hand on just one hair on your head and I'll kill him."
"Oh go away, you couldn't even if you wanted to."
"Is that a challenge?"
"No. Just a fact. Stop being angry, you remind me of an animal."
"You don't want to know."
"Run away with me." He says again.
"No. Let me go."
"What now he's in the picture you don't want me to hold you?" He growls.
"You're squeezing me and talking nonsense. I don't want to be married to him Steven, do I have to spell it out for you?" He lets me go and I stumble backwards slightly before regaining my balance.
"We could simply disappear into the night. They might not catch us you know, if we were quiet and quick. We could get away from here, find a shelter or something, then food."
"You're crazy! There is no food out there! There is no shelter! There is just night, and we are not accustomed to it! If they did not kill us mother nature would."
"People have survived worse things. Perhaps we would not die. I know it's a chance, a small one at that. But at least it's a chance! Isn't it worth it, to try?"
"Stop talking that way, you might actually convince me."
"Amora, You need me and you love me. I need and love you in return."
"Amora, don't you see what will happen if we will remain here? I will be killed eventually, your husband will grow tired of waiting and force himself upon you. Come with me. I will go. I can't leave you behind Amora, I can't. "
"They can beat us, they can kill us, but they will never destroy our love Amora, never!" He says. I try to walk away. I can't let him put false ideas into my mind.
"Remember when we were children? Do you remember that? All we had was each other, it was you and me against the world. We used to be on the same wave length. It was like we were the same person. Do you remember that?"
"Steven stop it." I mutter, avoiding his eyes.
"We have that again, we could! Just you and me. Imagine it Amora, you and me, together in the dark. We could go to a place they'd never find us. We could build a life, just you and me. Imagine it! We could grow old together, be free together. You want to, I know you do! You want to get out of this compound, feel the wind, the rain and the earth. This life is not for people like you and me, misery will kill us if they don't first."
"Steven, I love you and you know it. But running away will just get us killed. I would rather live like this, and at least live my your side then die. We are together."
"No, we're not."
"Yes, we are. Right here, right now, we are together."
"But how long will this last Amora, a few hours?"
"How long will we last out there? In the wilderness!" I point to the window. He rushes towards me and wraps me up in his arms and kisses me. I hold him close to me, hoping he will give up on his foolish dreams.
"I love you." He holds me closer and whispers to me.
"I love you too." I whisper back.
"Then run away with me."
"Steven, you know it's not possible. Stop being foolish!" I'm almost begging him now, begging him to stop because he's almost convinced me. He squeezes me closer.
"Maybe I am being foolish, but I feel it is the only way I can live. I can't live in a world where you aren't mine. I can't! Because without you there is no reason for me to live, you are my life Amora. I need no sun when I have you, you are my light."
"You know I love you Steven. I love you more then words can say, my love for you is stronger then any words can be. I love you with all my heart and all my being."
"Please, please Amora, run away with me!"
"Alright, alright. I will, you win. I will go." I whisper. He kisses me again. Then holds me close to him. I press my face into his chest again and breath slowly. Even if I die, at least I die for a reason. If I die I die for my love, and for freedom.
I sit across from my husband at the dinner table. I can just nearly eat. In five minutes I will excuse myself from the table and hopefully excuse myself from him completely. I drink a little water and avoid eye contact. I have to seem normal, or at least not abnormal. He does not know me, so he does not know I don't usually eat lunch.
He 'fell in love' with me one time he saw me at a party. What a fool! I don't see how you can love a person just from seeing them at the party. He 'loves' me for my looks and not for me. I hate him in return. I hate how he's imprisoned me with his name. I must escape him. He is one of those believers in the old saying 'for a woman love comes after marriage' he is wrong, I could never love him. I would rather swallow razors then be with him. He disgusts me, every aspect of him makes me sick!
He is talking about himself. As though I care. I do so hate men who talk about themselves. They seem to think it is a grace upon you to hear of all the wonderful things they've done. That's why men get married, so they have someone to talk to about themselves. Someone who won't be able to escape. He chose the wrong girl when he chose me, I will escape from him. He looks across from me and smiles widely. I smile slightly back in hope he'll stop staring at me. He doesn't. He just sits there, smiling like an idiot. Maybe someone told him girls like being smiled at, or stared at. There seem to be lots of lies boys tell themselves about girls, I think of if there are any lies I know about boys. I can't think of any. I was never interested in boys, or girls, or anyone. I always wanted to be far away from people. Of all the ugliest creatures on this this cold and dead planet: humans are the most ugly.
One night I dreamed I was a bird. I flew above forests, spreading out my wings and feeling the wind. I like to think, that inside I am a bird. I don't like to think I'm human, because humans are cruel and ugly creatures. I like to picture that my soul is a bird. My beating heart is the bird flapping it's wings and trying to escape from me. When my heart finally stops, it will mean the bird is finally free.
"Would you excuse me?" I say. He looks surprised but nods. My long skirt swishes around my legs. When I was younger I got to wear shorter skirts. I used to run around with Steven. It is quite difficult for me to run now. My skirt is long and heavy. My dress has no back, I really hate that. It means my back is very cold and my legs are too warm. I slip into the kitchens and steal a large bottle of olive oil. I hide the olive oil beneath my skirts. I walk quickly towards my mother's apartments. I will get my revenge on her.
She has treated me terribly, all my life. She is a fool if she thinks I don't know it. I will be avenged, before I leave. I will take my revenge on all who have harmed Steven and me.
They thought we would become nothing, we were just rebellious children. Who grew into rebellious young adults. Forever disappointments, forever isolated and strange. I am not a defenseless little girl anymore. I will fight my own battles and find my own justice. I reach my mother's apartments. They are empty of her, the stench of her perfume remains.
She had the floors paved with marble. I stand by the door and unscrew the lid on the olive oil. I spread olive oil across the floor. I pour and pour until all the bottle is emptied. The floor has imbedded gold patterns all across it. The olive oil doesn't show up. Perfect. I close the door to the apartments and conceal myself behind a stone statue of a giant angel. It's so ironic that the angel would cover a creature such as me. My mother rounds the corner ahead of me. She walks like her feet hurt, they should, considering the heels she's wearing. Those heels will be the death of her, literally. I reach her disappear into her apartments. I wait for a while, then hear a scream and and the sound of a body hitting marble. I smile and walk away. Now I will meet Steven.
He waits for me in the dark of a corridor. His eyes glint sightly, he is tall and strong. His face seems as though it is carved out of stone. Most are afraid of him, he has very deep green eyes with gold flecks. The burn out of his face like embers in a fire. He smiles at me when he sees me. He does not have a beautiful smile, in fact, his smile is singly strange. He has an invisible scar on the side of his face, so his smile is very lopsided. He got that scar when my brother hit him, many years ago. The doctors stitched it up so it didn't look like any harm and been done. You can only see the scar when he smiles.
He takes my hand and leads me down the corridor. There is a dark door at the end of the corridor. Steven kicks it down. The smell of the night stops me in my tracks. It's a strange, smell you can't quite describe. He pulls me again, and I follow him into the black of the night. My shoes of paper crumple against the floor. I feel the soil beneath my toes. A branch rips away the skirt I wear. Without the loss of the weight of my skirt makes me feel light. The night air feels nice against my legs and my back.
The wind hits me then. It flutters the remainders of my skirt and plays with my hair. It's cold but sweet to feel. Above us the sky fills up with light.
"Stop where you are!" A voice booms from above. A scream could not describe my terror. My feet pound the floor beneath me. i no longer feel pain there. Adrenaline has blinded me. A sudden blistering pain rushes though me, it starts on the right side of my waist and runs all over my body. We chase the shadows, pounding into the darkness to hide. Once in the darkness Steven dives into some kind of ditch. I lie on my back and look up at the sky.
"You alright?" He asks.
"Not exactly." My voice is hoarse and squeaky. "It was worth it."
"Amora, what?" His voice is hoarse too. "What happened?"
"I was shot." I breath. I look up at the sky, the wind begins to dry my blood. Tears pour from my eyes like water down a stream. "I die free, Steven, free like a bird."
"Don't say that you'll be alright. I won't let you die!" He shouts.
"You have no choice, Steven. Look up at the stars, they're the same ones our ancestors saw. I like to die looking at those stars. They say something has to end for something to begin, I wonder what will become, now that I de. Promise me, Steven, just one thing. Don't kill yourself, don't let yourself die."
"Alright, I promise. Cross my heart."
"I love you steven, I always loved you." I take a stinging breath of air into my lungs, and feel a drop of rain against my face "Steven, I can't see the world, but I can feel it. It's beautiful Steven! The only things ugly are the creatures that walk on it. Steven I'm finally free! Death is heaven."
I cannot escape her image. She is everywhere. I hear her words ringing in my head. This is her revenge on me, I killed her and now I will never have peace till I die. She has trapped me here, in this cold and dark world. She has escaped, and left me here. I feel betrayed, I feel so utterly alone. She was my heart, my life and my light. They take their time in killing me. They know that with death comes peace. They allow me to wonder about with my injuries, searching for my heart.
In my dreams I have relived her death one hundred times. Watching the light leave her eyes and wafter up to join the stars. I held her close as the warmth left her. They had to break my arms to make me let her go. They will not let me visit her grave. They know how to torture here. Not only the body but the soul, I look up into the sky.
"Steven!" A voice shouts my name but I will not turn to see them speak. I only wish for one person to call my name, and al the air has left her lungs. I hear them walk up close to me.
"You killed her! You killed her! You killed my little girl!" I turn finally. Her mother glares up at me. Her brains are shaken and she does not know the world for what it is.
"To you she has been dead for years." I mutter.
"You killed her! You killed her! You killed my little girl!" She screams at me, clawing at me with her fake talons of nails. I push her away. She staggers backwards. "She was mine and you took her from me!"
"She was never yours."
"She was! Before we adopted you, devil! Before you came she was mine, all mine!"
"She never belonged to anyone, don't you understand?"
"She used to look up at me, with the sweetest love in her eyes. She was a sweet and kind child. All before you made her cruel! All before you tainted her, you brought your sadness with you when you invaded my family. After that, she looked at me with hate. Hate! From such a young child, hate! What kind of creature would make a child hate their own mother?"
"I did not make her hate you, you did. People are not blind forever, she soon became aware you were not all you seemed. She was not stupid, she saw you for what you are."
"My little girl! You've gone and killed her! You've killed my little girl!" The woman shrieks again. It shocks me something as beautiful as Amora was could be born from such an animal as her mother is. I am about to loose my temper. So I look up at the sky again.
"You killed my little girl! You stole her from me!" The woman screams again. I push her out of my way and leave her, screaming at my back. Life is full of the crazy, the wired and the wild. They all seem to find one and other, they group up and hunt the normal into extinction.
"Hey you!" I look over my shoulder. There he stands, her widower, glowering at me. "Yes you!" His voice is deep and arrogant. "Come here!" he clacks his fingers at me. I continue walking away from him. He can't give me orders.
"Hey you!" He repeats, he sounds childish. People like him don't really know what to do if you don't obey their instructions. I hear him rush up behind me and the feel his hand clamp on my shoulder "You!" He says. I turn and look at him.
"Don't you have anything to say to me?" He asks, sneering at me.
"No." I answer. He stares at me, then attempts to hit my face. I was intending to let him hit me, but my reflexes get the better of me and I catch his hand. She was wrong, he's not all that. I let his fist go. He attempts to hit me again, I grab his fist and twist his arm behind him. He gives a little noise of pain.
"Leave me alone." I order him. I really should kill him now, he's going to be a problem. It feels good to say that. I let his arm go and kick him in the small of the back so he stumbles forward. He turns and looks at me. His snobbery is gone, he looks at me with the hate abused dogs look at their owners. I stand and look down at him.
"Look at you! Who could love you above me?" He sneers.
"Anyone." I answer with a smile.
"Just look at your face, you aren't anyone! You're nothing! You're just some orphan boy with a twisted face, you are nothing!" He is beginning to yelp like a young puppy. I watch him, I have grown so tired of people. I wonder how many will today yell at me, with their trivial insults. If they could see themselves they would be quiet, if they could hear how their little voices squeak with emotion and how they repeat themselves, they would be silent; but they can't, so they continue yelping.
"I had everything, and she didn't want a cent of it. What do you have that I don't? Tell me, what is there to love about you? There is no stop to what there is to love about me! I'm perfect! All the girls in this compound want to marry me! Me! None of them want to marry you, you're scum! All the girls exempt for that one, the one I wanted." He yelps . I begin to walk away.
"Do you know who I am?" He yells after me. I continue walking. He will will return with help from his soldiers. Across the hall I catch a glimpse of her. My heart pounds, suddenly I'm running. Nothing. I stand there, breathing hard.
Every night I dream wishing I would see you again. I want you to haunt me, I need you to haunt me. I have a long wait till death,till I can finally join you. My love, my light, without you my life is meaningless. Without you I feel nothing, without you I am nothing. I have no soul, no being. I had only one thing, and that was you. Now, without you, I have nothing.
They have decided not to kill me. They have figured out what a joy it would be to be killed. I cannot take my own life, she has imprisoned me here with the promise she made me give her. I spend my days wandering about, looking for a dead girl. I see her. Her image is everywhere, she is somehow near. I can feel her. I see her, in the distance. She is always out of reach, far away, looking at me, smiling. She's waiting for me. She wants me to finally join her wherever dead souls go. I have to wait, I have to wait for death to come to me. I will be ready for death when she comes, I am waiting for her, ready for whatever form she takes. Death takes everyone, she is the cruelest and kindest of things. She is cruel for what she takes, but she is kind for the peace she brings.
Sometimes I think my love is outside, waiting somewhere in the darkness. Perhaps she has become one with the wind, and screams outside. If I listen to the wind, hoping for answers. All I hear is screaming. Perhaps she has just become an emotion. Perhaps that screaming is some kind of warning, that the other side isn't nice at all. maybe she has gone to a terrible place and wants to warn me of it.
Her widower forgot her, long ago. As I knew he would. I will never forget her, as long as I exist, her memory will be my most valued possession.
The wind drifted over the dark land,
stirring the cold and lifeless earth,
twisting the old and withered trees.
They laid his body above the ground,
with a dog tie around his neck.
he was the man with sad eyes.
he was left for the wind and the worms to eat.
The wind would bleach his bones till they glowed though the night
with the wind he flew
screaming at men in the night
over the black hills he would fly
forever searching for a dead girl
Creatures who could not see lived in that strange and darkened land.
Blind to beauty was each and every living creature on that twisted and darkened land.
for even with the sun's bright and golden rays
man could never see
each was blinded at birth
without the sun who would be your light?