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Dawna's Story

Author's note: Personal experiance.
Author's note: Personal experiance.  « Hide author's note
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4

Chapter 4

Wednesday morning, her 17th birthday, Dawna woke up with Luke starring at her. Barely awake she mumbled, "Why are you starring at me?"
He smiled and asked, "You know you talk in your sleep?" She rolled her eyes and asked what he was doing here.
"I was going to see if and the girls wanted to go to the zoo today, but you were asleep when I got here."
"Let me wake up and get ready, then we can go." He told her he would be downstairs with the girls and left. As soon as he shut the door she got out of bed and went to her bathroom to take a shower. Thirty minutes later she was headed downstairs.
When she got down there she went to the kitchen, where her mom, Liz and Isabella were talking. She went over to them and asked what was going on, but they wouldn't tell her. She decided not to argue and went to the living room, where Luke, Kate, Hilary, and Rebecca were playing. As she was going around the corner she asked if they were ready. Luke got up and kissed her before saying, "Let's go see the monkey's and elephants, girls." They got up, leaving their toys out, and went to the door with Luke and Dawna behind them. In the car, on the way to the zoo, they talked about all the animals they were going to see. After someone started talking about an animal, Luke would make the noise it makes and made them laugh.
At the zoo, they got a map and decided to go see the tigers first. Then they followed the path around and looked at all of the animals until they got back to the entrance. When they got to each animal Luke would make jokes and sounds to make them laugh. By the time they got through the whole zoo it was almost two o'clock, so Luke said, "I need to stop at the mall really quick."
Dawna asked,"Why?"
"Because I need to. You and the girls are going to have to stay in the car."
"Why can't we come with you?"
"Because I don't want you to."
"Why not?"
"Because its a surprise." She smiled, but stopped asking questions.
At the mall, he got out and told them he would be back in a few mintues. Then he went up to the jewelry store and told the lady he was here to pick up a necklace and gave them his name. They went to the back to get it. When they brought it out he opened the box, to look at it and smiled. Before he went out to his car, he paid for it and put it in his pocket. As soon as he opened the door Kate asked what they were going to do next.
Luke answered, "What do you want to do? We have about two hours left."
Kate replied, "Let's go to the park." Everyone else agreed, so he drove to the park.
When they got to the park, he parked the car close to the playground and they got out. The girls ran to the swings, while Luke and Dawna walked over to a bench. As they were walking Dawna asked, "Why did you take us to the zoo and now the park?"
Luke answered, "Because I wanted to spend time with you and the girls."
"It doesn't have anything to do with whatever my mom, and Liz were planning?"
"I didn't know they were planning anything." She smiled, but didn't say anything else. She kept wanting to say something, but never did. A few mintues later Hilary came over to them and asked if they could get some ice cream.
Luke answered, "Sure. How about you go get Kate and Rebecca and we'll go do that now?" She ran over to Kate and Rebecca without answering him. Before they knew it all three of the girls came running towards them. Then they all went back to Luke's car and left. They decided to go to the ice cream shop a block away from Dawna's house.
When they got there, they went inside and ordered five sundaes. As they were eating they started talking about all of the animals they saw at the zoo again. Twenty minutes later Luke's phone started vibrating on the table, so he picked it up and saw he had a text from Liz.
It read, "Where are you?"
He replied, "Ice cream shop a block away. Why?"
Liz texted back, "We're almost done, so stay there until I text you." He agreed and put his phone back on the table.
Dawna asked, "Who was that?"
He answered, "No one."
"Obviously it was someone." Instead of answering he went back to eating his sundae and she didn't want to argue infront of the girls, so she did the same. As they were finishing their ice cream his phone started vibrating again, so he picked it up and saw he had another text from Liz telling him they were done setting things up for Dawna's surprise party, but to have the girls come in first.
He told them, "Ok its time to go." He threw their trash away and they went out to his car.
As soon as he parked he told the girls to go inside ahead of them. Dawna looked at him skeptically, but didn't ask any questions. When the girls were inside Luke and Dawna got out of the car and went up to the door. Before going inside with her Luke kissed her and told her happy birthday. When she opened the door all of her friends and family yelled, "Happy birthday!" She thanked everyone, then turned to Luke and asked if he knew about this. He nodded and kissed her again. She went around to everyone and thanked them for coming. When she got to her mom she hugged her and thanked her. An hour later it was time to open presents, so she sat down at the table ,where all the presents were, and picked up the biggest one first. Twenty minutes later she opened the last one, or so she thought. As she was about to get up Luke came up to her and gave her a jewelry box. She looked at him for a minute before opening it. As soon as she saw the necklace she gasped and looked up at him speechless. He told her to look at the back, so she did. When she turned it over she saw 'I love you forever and always Love Luke' on the back. She stood up and hugged and kissed him after having him put it on her.
He asked, "Do you like it?" She still couldn't speak, so she just nodded. By the time the party was over everyone had come up to Dawna and told her happy birthday. Luke was the last to leave, besides Liz and Isabella, and Dawna followed him out to the porch, where they kissed and he told her happy birthday again. She went inside and watched his car go up the street until she couldn't see it anymore. Then she went to the kitchen to help clean everything up.
When she got in there Liz, Isabella, and her mom were doing the dishes. She asked what she could do to help.
Her mom answered, "Could you get the girls to bed please?" She went to find them and get them ready for bed. She found them in the basement and took them up to their rooms. By the time she got back to the kitchen everything was pretty much cleaned up, so she thanked them again and went to bed.
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4


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This book has 9 comments. Post your own now!

GraceTaylor12This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 13 at 10:32 pm
this is really good, the only comment i have is that it is really fast! If you add more detail, this would be even better than it is now.
 
imagonner said...
May 18, 2016 at 4:02 pm
hey sorry about this but, your story Is fast paced, add some more detail to what the character feels about the setting... it is a good plot, just needs working on. hey, @1-800Peppermints @SpottyLepard @Freckles3 @chloejane @BanglaGirl @AnnieHay come check out my story and comment pls!!!!
 
1-800Peppermints said...
Dec. 20, 2013 at 9:28 pm
Really good story.  I love the interactions between everyone, but I would definitely give a little more detail and a little less dialogue.  Just to help it flow better.   Awesome though, really.  :)
 
SpottyLepard said...
Jun. 27, 2013 at 11:03 pm
Nice story! The only things I would recommend is to elaborate more on the experiences and emotions of your characters. For example, instead of just saying they went to dinner and using dialogue to get the idea across to readers, add details about the experience and emotions your characters are having. Details will really make your story more alive and realistic to readers, and will also help it to be slower-paced and easier to keep up with. The dialogue is good and you have great characters, so ... (more »)
 
Freckles3 said...
Apr. 22, 2013 at 9:41 pm
Really great story idea, but the chapters are reaaaallly long, and the dialogue was pretty overwhelming. It seems like it's got potential, though! Keep it up!
 
chloejane said...
Apr. 22, 2013 at 8:34 am
Great story and plot but the dialogue needs to died down a little, especially at the beginning. Too much dialogue can often stay the attention away from the reader, it tends to bore them if their is too much and quite often the dialouge gives away too much information on the first page.
 
BanglaGirl said...
Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:05 am
Awesome story!
 
AnnieHay said...
Aug. 14, 2011 at 8:46 pm
Unique story idea, just a tiny bit fast paced..:)
 
MzDuri replied...
Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:55 am
I agree w/ Annie Hay but very awsome story
 

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