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The Forgotten

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Chapters:   « Previous 1 ... 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... 11 Next »

Chapter 6 : Demitier

After a few days, Adrian finally comes to see me. Making sure I haven't planned an escape or just for some random reason, I have no idea. Maybe both.
I don't feel great and could do with a new pair of cloths and a shower.
« Are you going to kill me ? » I don't whisper or beg him not to.
I've grown numb, I don't really care.
I just want to sleep and sleep some more.
He shakes his head no. Well, that's one good thing I've heard so far.
« Are the cops
What do you think ?
going to be here soon ? » He laughs, just a little, but unfortunately shakes his head again.
God, what's taking so long...
I am exhausted, « Can I take a bath ? »
He nods and the young lady walks in carrying a towel, mini soaps and thank you Jesus, a pair of jeans, a shirt, underwear and bra.
I could just kiss- no, I couldn't.

The steaming hot water feels so good, each muscle and joint untightened. I could just melt.
After washing (twice) I get out and get dressed. The fresh cloths felt good on my clean skin. I looked in the full length mirror.
My brown eyes don't shine anymore, like they used to, my hair is in a urgent need of a cut and my skin looks way pale.

As I walk back with the women, I start brainstorming. I haven't tried anything to get away.
She must know he's a kidnapper. I think as she accompanies me back.
Why does she work for him, a favor or maybe she is paid, an accomplice.
« What's your name ? » I asked.
She looks at me, I nod encouragingly.
« Demitier. »
What kind of a name is that. « That's nice, » I lied smoothly, « Tell me Demitier, where are we ? »
She's worried, he must have forbad her of saying.
« Leah, I like you, and I don't want Adrian to hurt you but I can't tell. » The girl actually looked genuinely sad.
I act out of impulse, because I swear, I have never been the aggressive type. I just need to know.
I grab her by the neck and slam her into the wall, with much more force then necessary. I didn't even know I had it in me.
« Please. » deciding I should stay polite.
« We're in Canada. » She whimpers, slowly turning blue.
What ? No, I don't think so.
I live in Florida. Not up in no-mans-land.
I let Demitier go, falling to the ground.
« You won't tell Adrian about our little discussion, OK ? » I warn.
But when we get back, he's not there.
Chapters:   « Previous 1 ... 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... 11 Next »


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This book has 18 comments. Post your own!

MermaidmissyThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Oct. 6, 2011 at 9:35 am:
Ahh I so love this book it is very good and heartwarming all at the same time. I think you should keep writing more pages soon. Hey can you look at my stuff and see what you like I have poems and one book on this web site so check it out if you have a chance k. Thank You!! :) 
 
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EbbaRose said...
Oct. 5, 2011 at 1:08 am:
Good story! And great character voice, i love it!!! can't wait to read more!
 
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NikiblueThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 13, 2011 at 2:49 pm:

I thought the storyline was good and suspenseful. I do have some critics though. I know that a lot of people have already mentioned the spelling errors, and also the weird arrows in the text. Secondly, I feel that a lot of the writing was a little choppy and too quick from one thing to the next. I think more emotion and details should be put in so it feels more as though the reader is there seeing it all for themselves, if that makes any sense?

 

Hopefully I wasn't just rep... (more »)

 
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Drive_it_home_with_one_headlight said...
Aug. 8, 2011 at 6:42 pm:
I like this a lot. The paragraphing is weird, though. It threw me off a little bit, as well as the arrows instead of the ". Is there any significance to the arrows?
 
RockGirl182This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 8, 2011 at 8:43 pm :
Sorry about that, I just recently bought an American mac so the sighs changed from the arrows to ". In french we don't have " on the keyboard. Same for the paragraphes. In France books aren't presented the same way. Sorry if it caused any confusion. 
 
RockGirl182This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 8, 2011 at 8:44 pm :
* signes.  
 
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AspiringWriter said...
Aug. 8, 2011 at 12:27 pm:

I love the plot; it's very unique. The summary immediately intrigued me. I'd hate to say this again, but you do have a few grammatical errors. It's nothing too big, and it definitely doesn't take away from your story. :)

 

Hmm. What else? I think that you should try adding more descriptions and emotions. Not too much. Just a little. It'll make the story more vivid, if you know what I mean.

 

Great work! :)

 
RockGirl182This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 8, 2011 at 2:58 pm :
Thanks !! I will try adding more description and emotions in my next chapters, I have a hard time with that sort of stuff;) Again thank you for reading !
 
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mrs. mom said...
Aug. 7, 2011 at 6:36 pm:
as a mom, i love this story - age appropriate but exciting, fun,sensual,etc.-it's great knowing that there are those who like to write something other than "texts" - i just wonder if this writer's nightmares are as interesting - please continue
 
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renthead96 said...
Aug. 7, 2011 at 5:52 pm:

This is an interesting story. I enjoyed the relationship you created between vampire and zombie--I'm pretty sure I haven't seen that yet. However, there are various spelling/grammar mistakes. You can always have someone else review your chapters to help check for these mistakes: a parent, a sibling, a relative, etc. Just to help with this, I've selected a few common mistakes that you've made to show what you should look for:

"He is aloud to take a break, I'm not angry with Him."more »)

 
RockGirl182This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 7, 2011 at 6:51 pm :
Thanks Renthead96. The next few chapters are going to be back and forth between Adrian and Darik's view, so you will get more information about the whole vampire and zombie relationship. As for the mistakes, thank you :) Keep posted for more. :) and thanks again for checking this out. It means alot to me !
 
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tealbirdThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 7, 2011 at 1:01 pm:
Ok, I'm sorry to say I only had time to read the first chapter of your novel, but I really enjoyed it. I love the tone of the writing, especially the 'big man Upstairs' part :D. Trust me, you had me captivated and I'll be back to read the rest!
 
RockGirl182This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 7, 2011 at 6:42 pm :
thanks so much :)
 
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Garnet77 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 7, 2011 at 12:11 pm:
I really like this story. You do need to revise a few things though. You have a few comma splices--joining two sentences together. Also, I would advise expanding a bit more on the emotional side of your character. Sometimes, she doesn't seem as freaked out as I would have thought. But the story itself is pretty interesting; I can't wait until you post some more. I want to know more about the characters! And I love the whole spin you put on vampires and zombies! Very well done overall! :)
 
RockGirl182This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 7, 2011 at 6:41 pm :
Thank you Garnet77. The next chapter is going to be under another character's point of view... so keep reading ! 
 
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eMiLyP said...
Jul. 24, 2011 at 9:44 am:
This is a really good story! I love how suspenseful it is. I really hope you write more because I would be interested in reading it if you did! Great work!
 
RockGirl182This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jul. 29, 2011 at 9:21 pm :
Thank you, the next chapters are pending approval, so come back to check it out soon :) I'm going to write much more, I have it all planed out but my chapters are very short so it might take a while. 
 
eMiLyP replied...
Jul. 30, 2011 at 6:35 pm :
Yay! I can't wait!
 
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