Desire of the soul...
Total awkwardnessHow cute is he when he stares at the teacher and tries to understand how he purses his lips and bend his eyebrows, and put his hand under his chin, how cute. Or when he tries to pretend he is awake when he is simply in another world, day dreaming maybe about football or music, look at him, how he keeps on looking at a certain point on the board, and just stares, stares and never stop until he is surprised by the bell and suddenly wakes up from the dream, how cute. Or when he asks a question, and shakes his head when the teacher answers, and that smile. Oh my, what a smile what a smile, and those teeth, straight, white just like pearls. Oh there he is coming toward me, stop thinking about him, stop thinking about him that way, his a friend, just my friend.
"Lori, hey." he says in his whispering voice, so low just like the hiss of a snake, and how he softly pronounces my name, (lohri)
"hey matt" I say, he stares into my eyes and keeps smiling not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do, I break the silence and say "so how did you do on that biology test?"
He pursed his lips, raised his eyebrows and shrunk his nose, and then said "uh…probably good". After saying that I burst in laughter, his face was so funny, his expressions were so funny and the way he said that, it was so funny.
"Ok", I said, and then he shook his head and that meant lets go.
For more information: matt, matt is my friend, he is new here. He only trusts me and he is my best friend, we are very close. He doesn’t easily relate with people, when he first came he sat alone in the lunch room for about a month, it wasn’t until I went and sat with him that he said something, but he is friend. I am sure, well a month ago I talked to him, and tried to find out how he felt toward me and all he said was "lori hunny you are my best friend, and by the way right now I do not think of any relationships, after what happened to jen".
Jen is his, was his girlfriend, she died month before he left and came here, came here, and now he is on pause for relationships. On pause, on my turn…
Back to reality…
Matt is very caring, imagine when we cross the street he holds my hand , and helps me cross as if I am five years old, and when I am sick he holds my bag if I am going to school and if not he gets me all my assignments and what we wrote, and comes and explains everything.
Matt, I am in love with you, I hope I can say that but I can't. I can't, he will leave and never come back, he doesn’t want a relationship, and he is still grieving over his girlfriend.
"So, what are you doing today night, it is Friday?" I asked him, he smiles and says "I don’t know, most probably watch a movie, popcorn…"
I smile back and say, "Can I join?" he says "of course, you can always join; you are after all my best friend".
I struggle to keep the smile on my face, when I eagerly want to just yell and scream and tell him I don’t want to be just best friend, I want more, but instead I smile nod, and we continue walking.
I reach home, do some homework, and take a shower. I come out of the shower, open my closet and literally take everything out to the bed; I try about five dresses, and about three shirts and jeans, until I finally settle on, my black shorts and my red shirt, his two favorite colors. He hates make up so I do not put any, just do my hair and walk over his house. When I reach, I knock the door; his mother opens as usual and invites me in. I directly go up stairs to his room; I open the door to see him as always waiting for me in the corner by the couch.
I enter and sit next to him, and the movie starts, "Dear John", and when he kisses her, I turn and face matt involuntarily, and stare at him, I know he knows I am looking at him, but he is trying to avoid me.
Then I suddenly stop hearing the movie, he pressed pause, and turns to face me and says "Lori, we will never be that way, you know I can't", I looked at him and said "why?"
He holds my hand tight and says "because you are my best friend, nothing else, now let's continue the movie pal"
Pal , mhh I am his pal, but what do you think I'll do, accept being his pal, or simply leave him forever, I removed my hand from his and when I was about to stand up and walk away I held the remote and pressed play and we continued watching the movie as if nothing has just happened…