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Unorthodox Angel

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Author's note: I wrote this for my grandpa, as he passed away in September of 2010.
Author's note: I wrote this for my grandpa, as he passed away in September of 2010.  « Hide author's note
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 12 Next »

Chapter Two; Jakobie

I patrolled the hallways of the ICU at Union Hospital. My normal routine. I stopped in the nursery in the ICU to check on Kaytlyn, a four month premature baby. She was hanging on for dear life, not willing to give in. I recently heard the nurses saying that she took a turn for the worse, so I thought a visit would be in order. Walking through the corridors to the nursery, I thought about that girl. How she would enjoy many more years with her grandfather. It made me giddy inside.
I found Kaytlyn in her usual spot; in the incubator, belly down, tubes crisscrossing her naked body. I peeked in, and saw her precious face, spoiled by a tube in her throat. She had her pink little hat on, keeping her fuzzy head warm. I looked around and saw her mother wasn’t there. She usually was. The clock said four thirty PM, so she probably wasn’t off work yet.
I carefully opened the door on the incubator, slipped my hand inside, and gingerly touched the infant’s tiny head. “Hang in there,” I whispered. I heard a door open, so I shut the door quickly. I turned and saw the nurses and Kaytlyn’s mother come in. I simply walked by them, knowing they knew nothing of my presence.
I soon became the unknown protector roaming the halls. As I walked, I looked in each room, seeing if I was needed. It broke my heart to see kids in beds with dozens of monitors and wires and tubes burying them. I saw happy families, sad ones, and occasionally, mad ones. Every time someone yelled that a bed was coming through, I checked to see if I should follow. Most times I didn’t, and only went with the most severe. I seemed to get attached to people so much that I wanted to be the one to walk them to the Other Side, despite the fact that it would be the first time they had seen me for some people. I always get the ‘that’s-not-the-angel-that-I-was-expecting’ thing. Well, diversity colors the world. Everyone’s different. Why should that only apply to mortals?
That’s no fun.
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 12 Next »


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This book has 48 comments. Post your own!

Bookworm1998 said...
Jul. 3, 2011 at 10:41 pm:
beautiful story! i love both of your main characters and i love how cautious and well-minded Phoenix is. i just wish that the story could last longer :)
 
laurenangela replied...
Jul. 17, 2011 at 6:19 pm :
thank you!
 
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Lintu said...
Jun. 7, 2011 at 1:50 pm:
I may sound like a nitpicker, but I noticed the 4 month premature baby bit. Only 20% of fetuses survive when born at 23 weeks which is a week shy of 6 months, or 3 months premature. That doesn't sound like a lot but in terms of fetal development that is crucial. Make sure to brush up on the little facts so that readers don't get pulled out of the story by something that doesn't ring true. Other than that, it does move a bit fast but I like the idea. I think it's pretty good. :)
 
laurenangela replied...
Jun. 7, 2011 at 7:41 pm :
thank you for the tip. i think i said that cause i had a sister that was born that early, and she died. makes sense now. thanks again!
 
Lintu replied...
Jun. 7, 2011 at 8:22 pm :
No problem. :)
 
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PurpleGurl said...
Jun. 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm:
I really liked it. Some parts seemed to e copied off of twilight but it was still pretty good. Keep Writing!!!!
 
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zaktf said...
May 28, 2011 at 5:40 pm:
It is really good but it is too much like twilight and it its a little too fast.
 
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WritomaniaThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 22, 2011 at 12:48 am:

Hi.

your story is good; i dont care if its kinda like twilight or whatever.. the title is really catchy and so is the pitch. I suggest sending it inf r publishing :)

can your check out my book, "the diary of a teenaged lunatic"?

thanks and keep up the great work :)

 
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PurpleWriter said...
Apr. 30, 2011 at 5:26 pm:
This was such a good book!!!! You should write another one!!! Oh, and sorry about your grandpa.
 
laurenangela replied...
May 2, 2011 at 3:10 pm :
thank you so much for your comment! i thank you for your sympathy
 
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FallenAngel1 said...
Apr. 8, 2011 at 10:22 pm:
That was a good book. It's interesting and you should continue. Awsome!! :-)
 
laurenangela replied...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm :

thank you!!

 

 
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SuprBurn248 said...
Apr. 8, 2011 at 5:55 pm:

Well, I read your first chapter and here were my thoughts.

Praises:

1. I liked the mystery to it, it's a good way to start a book.

2. I liked the relations between each person in the room.

Suggestions:

1. SLOW IT DOWN! (does that make sense) The first chapter went so fast from one person to another I felt a bit rushed. You did 'slow down' on the subject of the young girl, but doing a bit more would be helpful. 'Zoom In' on each person more!

2. Try to ... (more »)

 
laurenangela replied...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm :
thank you very much for your constructful critisism. i enjoy it!
 
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Sarah.Kay.O said...
Mar. 30, 2011 at 6:04 pm:
Loved it! The begining was very vague, which in this case, was a good thing. Great job!
 
laurenangela replied...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 2:50 pm :

thanks!

 

 
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PJD17 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 24, 2011 at 4:01 pm:
i ve never read twilight so i could not say whether or not you copied it but either way your story is very good  could you please check out and comment on my story Manso's Shame  i would really appreciate the feedback
 
laurenangela replied...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 2:50 pm :

thanks!

 

 
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laurenangela said...
Mar. 23, 2011 at 3:09 pm:
i do appreciate your comment, but i am a fan of twilight, and i know that only one thing in this story is similar. thank you.
 
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AislinnKnight said...
Mar. 23, 2011 at 11:08 pm:

I disagree, only the crash and hospital scene was from Twilight (not that there's anything wrong with Twilight). You didn't fail.

I really liked it, it was really sweet. Jakobi is my type of man! If only there were actual guys like him (sigh). I thought your dedication was really sweet, too. 

 
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laurenangela said...
Mar. 24, 2011 at 2:46 pm:
thank you!! you made me feel better!!
 
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