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Unorthodox Angel

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Author's note: I wrote this for my grandpa, as he passed away in September of 2010.
Author's note: I wrote this for my grandpa, as he passed away in September of 2010.  « Hide author's note
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 12 Next »

Chapter One; Jakobie

I calmly stood in the corner of the room, waiting for the family to sit down and leave the dying man at peace. I had seen it so many times. The family was reduced to tears and I would step in and perform a miracle. They would be so happy that their loved one was awake, or progressing, or getting better, a pleasure that I continue to smile about.
This man, Jim, was close to the end. He just came out of surgery for a ruptured aneurism in his belly. Most cases like these didn’t live, even with my help. I noticed a teenage girl in the opposite corner. She didn’t cry loudly like the others. She simply buried her hands in her arms and cried to the point of sickness. Every now and then, she’d utter the same words; “I love you, Grandpa. Don‘t leave me.” It made me upset, seeing her suffer. I knew this would have to be a miracle.
I moved in between two women, holding each other and crying. Gingerly, I touched Jim’s face. “Your family needs you, Jim. Especially your granddaughter,” I whispered. As I walked to the door, I looked at the crying girl. I bent down to her level, placed my hand on her shoulder, and whispered, “Grandpa’s going to be okay.” I gently kissed her forehead, and walked out the door. I turned to look into the glass door, and I watched as Jim moved slightly in his bed, and the women caught it.
“Daddy? Daddy, are you awake? Can you hear me?” one woman said. Jim made a mumbling sound, and the monitor started to beep. She ran out the door and shouted down the hall, “NURSE!! He’s awake!” At that sign, two nurses jumped up and ran to the room. I watched as they quickly removed the tube in his throat, and reset monitors. One nurse paged the doctor. I saw him come down the hall, a complex look on his face. He was wondering how his patient could be awake.
My eyes went to the girl next. She was watching now. Wondering if her grandfather was dying, or getting better. For a few moments, the tears stopped. Soon, Jim looked up at the nurses and the doctor. I read their minds. How is this possible?! they thought. He can’t be awake!
The girl jumped from her chair and ran to her grandfather. “You’re alive!” she said. Jim put his hand on her shoulder.
“You need me,” he whispered.
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 12 Next »


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This book has 48 comments. Post your own!

Bookworm1998 said...
Jul. 3, 2011 at 10:41 pm:
beautiful story! i love both of your main characters and i love how cautious and well-minded Phoenix is. i just wish that the story could last longer :)
 
laurenangela replied...
Jul. 17, 2011 at 6:19 pm :
thank you!
 
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Lintu said...
Jun. 7, 2011 at 1:50 pm:
I may sound like a nitpicker, but I noticed the 4 month premature baby bit. Only 20% of fetuses survive when born at 23 weeks which is a week shy of 6 months, or 3 months premature. That doesn't sound like a lot but in terms of fetal development that is crucial. Make sure to brush up on the little facts so that readers don't get pulled out of the story by something that doesn't ring true. Other than that, it does move a bit fast but I like the idea. I think it's pretty good. :)
 
laurenangela replied...
Jun. 7, 2011 at 7:41 pm :
thank you for the tip. i think i said that cause i had a sister that was born that early, and she died. makes sense now. thanks again!
 
Lintu replied...
Jun. 7, 2011 at 8:22 pm :
No problem. :)
 
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PurpleGurl said...
Jun. 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm:
I really liked it. Some parts seemed to e copied off of twilight but it was still pretty good. Keep Writing!!!!
 
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zaktf said...
May 28, 2011 at 5:40 pm:
It is really good but it is too much like twilight and it its a little too fast.
 
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WritomaniaThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 22, 2011 at 12:48 am:

Hi.

your story is good; i dont care if its kinda like twilight or whatever.. the title is really catchy and so is the pitch. I suggest sending it inf r publishing :)

can your check out my book, "the diary of a teenaged lunatic"?

thanks and keep up the great work :)

 
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PurpleWriter said...
Apr. 30, 2011 at 5:26 pm:
This was such a good book!!!! You should write another one!!! Oh, and sorry about your grandpa.
 
laurenangela replied...
May 2, 2011 at 3:10 pm :
thank you so much for your comment! i thank you for your sympathy
 
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FallenAngel1 said...
Apr. 8, 2011 at 10:22 pm:
That was a good book. It's interesting and you should continue. Awsome!! :-)
 
laurenangela replied...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm :

thank you!!

 

 
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SuprBurn248 said...
Apr. 8, 2011 at 5:55 pm:

Well, I read your first chapter and here were my thoughts.

Praises:

1. I liked the mystery to it, it's a good way to start a book.

2. I liked the relations between each person in the room.

Suggestions:

1. SLOW IT DOWN! (does that make sense) The first chapter went so fast from one person to another I felt a bit rushed. You did 'slow down' on the subject of the young girl, but doing a bit more would be helpful. 'Zoom In' on each person more!

2. Try to ... (more »)

 
laurenangela replied...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm :
thank you very much for your constructful critisism. i enjoy it!
 
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Sarah.Kay.O said...
Mar. 30, 2011 at 6:04 pm:
Loved it! The begining was very vague, which in this case, was a good thing. Great job!
 
laurenangela replied...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 2:50 pm :

thanks!

 

 
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PJD17 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 24, 2011 at 4:01 pm:
i ve never read twilight so i could not say whether or not you copied it but either way your story is very good  could you please check out and comment on my story Manso's Shame  i would really appreciate the feedback
 
laurenangela replied...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 2:50 pm :

thanks!

 

 
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laurenangela said...
Mar. 23, 2011 at 3:09 pm:
i do appreciate your comment, but i am a fan of twilight, and i know that only one thing in this story is similar. thank you.
 
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AislinnKnight said...
Mar. 23, 2011 at 11:08 pm:

I disagree, only the crash and hospital scene was from Twilight (not that there's anything wrong with Twilight). You didn't fail.

I really liked it, it was really sweet. Jakobi is my type of man! If only there were actual guys like him (sigh). I thought your dedication was really sweet, too. 

 
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laurenangela said...
Mar. 24, 2011 at 2:46 pm:
thank you!! you made me feel better!!
 
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