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All in the End
Author's note: My brother inspired me to write this piece, Matthew, he was dealing with depression. And I tried to write a story about him. But it was too hard. So I made it into a love story. But the major part is that my brother had a hard life, and hard depression but he never gave up. And he came out happy, even though it was hard. I personally want to say, if you are dealing with depression don't give up, don't kill yourself. Life is worth everything. Never give up. Remember someone out there loves you.
I imagine a girl, a strong girl who can take people down. Not a mean girl but someone who doesn’t care what other people think. That girl isn’t sick she hasn’t been sick for two years. This girl is perfect, and perfect is what everyone wants.
I wake up from the sound of books slamming. And blue and brown eyes from my classmates. The only thing I hear is laughter and pointing. At me. The girl with long brown hair and a tint of caramel highlights. With blue bright eyes that people can see a mile away. Some people would call me, Samantha Lockwell, pretty. But at Kingston High. You can’t just be pretty you have to be outgoing. The problem is I have been sick for two years with... depression. The kind of depression that you have to admit because you’re too quiet.
When I realize that people are still staring at me. I try to hide myself between my books. Yeah, like I thought that would work. When the bell rings, “I say thank the lord!” And run out the classroom before the Mr. White can stop me. Mr. White was the most difficult teacher in the school. He has pale white skin that reflects off his dark black hair. His eyes are the color of seaweed. The kind of seaweed that would wrap you around your ankles, and bring you under. But the worst part is, he assigns the most homework. Like one time I had to finish a 200 page book in one night. And write a 500 word essay about it the next day.
While I walk down the hallway: I’m suppose to see all my friends laughing and talking to me. But this girl doesn’t have friends. In the end of 8th grade two of my best friends moved to California. And all the rest stopped talking to me. Because quote on quote “Samantha is weird, and she’s acting different.” I couldn’t blame them. That is when my depression started. When I finally reach my locker. My eyesight goes black, and the only thing I can make out is a scream. But I didn’t scream.
I open my eyes, and I see three things. Me on the ground with a guy on top of me, people surrounding us, and my locker wide open. While I try to get up, the guy on top of me, gives me his hand to pull me up. This guy was different. I’ve never seen him before. He has dusty brown hair, with dark blonde highlights. Sparkling green eyes, and piercing lips. When I reach out for his hand, it’s soft and warm. I’ve never had contact with anybody in a long time. When I started to get sad and make bad choices, I stopped talking to people. Even my family, I never let my mom have any “loving contact” with me. I did with my dad.
“Hey I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to bump into you like that.” the boy said. “Oh umm it’s fine.” I said. “Like legit I am new here, and I got called to the office, and I might well say, I was scared.” He said in a cute funny voice. “It’s alright I just should of saw you in the first place.” “Are you kidding, no it’s my fault. Oh by the way my name is Austin Cole.” “Hi, my name is Samantha Lockwell.” I said in a sad voice. “Are you okay well, Sam? I mean you don’t sound or look so good.” he said in a nice soft voice. I didn’t know what he meant? Well when you put it like that... I am a little skinny. I'm not anorexic or anything. I just try to eat really healthy. I just want to look my best in the outside. Cause my inside is pretty messed up. “Samatha, not Sam. Don’t call me Sam.” I said in a demanding voice. Oh I’m sorry, I just make up nicknames for people I guess.” His face was red, I felt kind of bad. It’s his first day and he created a scene by bumping into me. But no! He doesn’t have any right going around making up nicknames for people. And especially me, Sam. It just makes me remember more of my d-d-d dad. “Sorry, I just didn’t mean it. I mean I meant it but not in that way. Like I just can’t handle anybody saying that. Because well because. Nevermind you don’t have to know.” I said uncontrollably fast. “Hey Samantha I really didn’t know. It seems like you’re going through something. Hey if you want to talk. We can talk.” Okay now I was angry. “I don’t need help. And not from you!” I said. “Okay, sorry. Well I guess my first day of school didn’t go the best.” Austin said. Hahaha he’s funny. He’s thinks I’m one of those girls that will just thirst for sweet talk. Well that’s not me. “Hey excuse me, it’s a Friday and I have a lot of my friends waiting for me. And this little conversation is wasting my time. So you should leave. Remember you have to go to the office.” “Yeah, well okay see you.” he said in a depressing voice. I didn’t say another word. He left and I was alone. Oh great I missed my bus.
I got home, after my three mile walk home. It was winter and winter in Washington is cold. I could’ve asked my mom to pick me up, but we don’t talk. I run up to my room, and think about what has happened today. I have been doing this for a year now. I think it’s a good way to see if anything good happened today. And possibly fix my depression. I thought about my morning; first I had Art, okay that was boring. Than other subjects that never had any interest in me. The only thing I could think about is the end of the day. When I bumped into Austin, Austin Cole. I love how his name tasted in my mouth. Wait, what am I doing? Austin, ew I hated him. How could he just call me Sam like that? But that didn’t worry me. The thing was, how did he know that I was sad? Nobody and I mean nobody at Kingston High ever worried about me. Or even asked why I was sad. And it was kind of cute how he cared for me. Like he wasn’t ugly he was super kind of hot. Some people at my school would probably give him a 9. But why would he ever go out with me? And the problem is I don’t like him. However I’ve gone to a couple of doctors that told me love is the answer. When you find love, and share it. It will make me happy and get rid of my depression. Tears started to come down from my face. Then more and more tears. The only thing I wanted is my depression to go away. “I hated it more than anything”, I screamed on the top of my lungs. I started to knock down things out of my room. I started ripping up my pillows. Looking through my draws for the pills that I’ve been taking for 6 months. They weren’t antidepressant. I was being overwhelmed and taking over dose pills. I was messed up. “I am messed up”, I screamed louder! I start looking at picture frames and throwing them against the wall. While I get to a picture of my dad. My mom opens the door and says, “Samantha!! what's wrong put that picture down!!” I look at her and then me in the mirror, I looked horrible, I have black running down my face from my makeup. Cuts all over my hands from the glass. Then I look at my mother, she was scared. More than me. I put the picture frame down. And start crying and talking. Not just talking but confessing. I say that I’ve been taking pills for 6 months. That I want my depression to be over with. I’ve never said anything like this to my mom before. But I had to, I was scared. I was scared that my depression would get too extreme and I would kill myself.
For the past two weeks, I haven't been in school. My mom and I were at doctors appointments every single second. Every doctor we went to they said the same thing: “The medicine we have for you, won’t work in your condition. You have damaged many parts of your brain. The only thing that works is time.” The problem is my depression wasn’t started by generics are influenced by drugs. It was because of a lost in the family. And the only medicine is time, it happened two years ago. It was just a normal sunny summer morning at the Lockwell’s house. Well, almost normal. My mom came home from work and she had a worried look on her face. I asked her “What’s wrong?” And they only thing she said was “It’s dad.” When I heard it was about my dad I leaped out of the chair I was sitting on. And went toward my mom. I asked, “What? What’s wrong, is he back from his business trip?” “He never got on his plane.” my mom said crying. “Mom just spit it out already, what is wrong with dad.” I screamed “When he was getting on his plane, there was a shooting and he got shot.” “Wait, what, no! Is he okay? Come on he’s okay.” “No, he got shot right in the heart. And well he he.” That’s the only thing I needed to hear. My dad the one that I was the closest to. The one that called me Sam. Got murdered. He was an innocent man. I love my dad, and now he’s gone. I screamed and shouted, I yelled. I cursed every word I knew. At that point I wanted to find the man, who has killed my father. And make him pay.
After two months, my dad left this world. I started to get quieter. I couldn't focus on school anymore. I felt more sad, each and everyday. For one year I cried myself to sleep thinking about him. I felt responsible for my father. I couldn't dread that I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.
It was my last doctor's appointment for the past two weeks. I was so happy, I didn’t want to go to anymore. Because every time I had to tell the story about my dad. I started the story with tears, and ended in heartbreak. “Hi my name is Dr. Clare. I will be your new doctor for a couple of months, now.” I never seen this doctor before. She has a firm ripped body. With dark blonde hair, and the most pretty blue eyes. She looks like a supermodel. What the heck is she doing here? “Hi.” I said. “Really Samantha, that’s the only thing I get?” “Sorry, this is the last doctor’s appointment out of 30. For the past two weeks. I kind of want to go home.” I said in a depressed voice. “Okay, then go home.” she opened the door. “Really, well can you do that?” I said. “My job is to please the patient.” “Oh my gosh, thank you.” I run out the door. And I hear a bang, and me on the ground, again.
“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry.” I say looking at the ground.
“Oh no I’m sorry it was my fault. Wait, Samantha, is that you?” I heard that voice before. That was the same voice I heard when I bumped into him the first time. Austin. Sure enough I look up and I see those beautiful green eyes. “Wow. Austin, we have to stop bumping into each other.” I said
“Hahaha yeah I know right. You haven't been in school for the past two weeks. And now I see you at the doctors. Are you okay?” Why was he here, that was the only question that came to my mind. This is not a normal doctor’s office. “What are you doing here?” I asked fast without thinking. I didn’t answer his question. “I had an appointment, but it got canceled. So now I’m just leaving.” he said
“Likewise.” that was not the answer I was looking for. “Perfect. You can join me for some lunch.” How could I say no to that? Anyway my mom was coming back in two hours. So what did I have to lose? “Yeah sure, that will be fine.” I said
Austin drove me to a little coffee shop. It was called Je Teme: which means I love you in French. I really didn’t feel comfortable being with him in a place which means I love you. But he offered and I took it. He held the door for me and I said thank you. He made me feel special. When we walked in there, there was beautiful little lights all over the place for Christmas time. And a distant sound of Christmas music. One of the waiters sat us near a window in a corner of the shop. I didn’t really like where we were sitting, but it was the only spot available. This place was packed. Now we have to start talking. I’m the worst person to talk too. Because I don’t talk much. “So Samantha, how long have you lived in Washington?” he said. Okay I can do this. Just don’t say one word answers.
“My whole entire life.” I said. “Oh that’s cool.” he said. Now I have to have a follow up question. Just ask about his life Samantha.
“Where did you live, before you came to Washington?”
“I lived in New York.”
“New York! That is on the other side of the world!”
“Hahaha, dude it’s on the other side of The United States.”
“Yeah well you know, I meant that.”
“Okay.” he chuckled.
“So Austin, why did you move?”
“The medical appliances couldn’t certifie my service.” What? Okay he practically tried to make that sound so confusing for me. It feels like he is trying to hide something from me.
“Oh, I’m sorry Austin, but wait nevermind.”
“Hey beauti--- I mean Samantha. If you have something to say. I would want you to say it.” he said in quite insistently. What did he just call me?
‘You just called me beautiful.” I questioned.
“Ummm no I didn’t.” he said.
“I’m not beautiful.” I said with a dry mouth.
‘Samantha, yes you are. Why were you at the doctors today? And why have you missed two weeks of school?”
“I had an appointment, and then it got canceled.”
“Oh wow, that sounds really familiar.”
“That’s too bad.”
“Come on Samantha. Fine why have you been gone for two weeks?”
“I had doctor appointments around the clock, all two weeks.”
“So you had around thirty, for what?”
“I doesn’t matter.”
“It does to you.”
“Because it’s my body. And why do you care?”
“I’m falling for you.”
“Okay.” Oh my gosh! This is going to be awkward.
“I started when the first time I saw you. And I was worried when I didn’t see you for a whole two weeks. I thought you were hurt. And it hurt me. I felt pain.”
“We just met.”
“I know, but for these 2 hours, I got to know you more. I looked at my watch.
‘Two hours!!! Oh my gosh, my mom is suppose to pick me up. She is probably worried sick!”
“I’m so sorry, here I can take you to the doctors really quick.” My phone rang. It was my mom. “Hey I’m sorry it’s my mom, see ya at school.” “Wait no don’t leave!”
I ran out the door, as quickly as I could. And pressed talk. “Hi mom.” “Samantha! Where are you?!?! I have been looking for you for an hour now. I thought you maybe have done something terrible. Because the doctor said your appointment got canceled.” “Yeah I’m really really sorry. I got hungry so I walked to Je Teme, a coffee place.” “All by yourself, honey you never know, if people can take you.” “Mom I’m fine, here I’m almost at the doctors.” “Okay meet me at the front office.” Okay, bye.”
I got to the doctors and sure enough was my mom. But someone else that I couldn’t recognize from a few feet away. Oh my gosh, no it was Austin. Talking to my mom, that can never be good. “Hi mom, oh hi Austin.” I said.
“Hey honey.” my mom said.
‘Hey Samantha.” Austin said.
“Austin was just telling me that he took you to Je Teme, and offered to take you home, but you wanted to get some exercise so you ran to the doctors office. He said that it’s all his fault for you being late. And you just wanted to show him around the town because he has just moved here from New York.”
“Austin said that? I mean of course he did.” thanks, I mouthed to Austin. No problem he mouthed back. “Okay well mom I think we have to go. Bye Austin.” “Okay geez someone is in a rush to get home, bye Austin. Take care.” “As well to you ladies.” he said in a charming voice.” “Thanks.” my mom and I said in unison.
The drive home was quite, well most of it anyway. My mom started to talk about Austin. Saying things like he is so good-looking and nice. “You know he might be the one to cure your depression.” I didn’t answer to any word she was saying, because I couldn’t. I was growing feelings for him, and I know he has strong feelings for me. I’m just scared if something goes wrong in our relationship, I might get depressed even more. But there were still more questions I needed to ask him. And answers I had to tell him. I was scared I guess. I was scared to take a chance with Austin.
I woke up, it was my first day of school in two weeks. It has been the first time in two years that I wanted to go to school. I wanted to see Austin. I was thinking about him last night. I just had this strong feeling that he was the one. The one that is going to help me cure my depression. But I’m still scared...I’m too weak to tell him about my true self. Too afraid to get judged. When I get to school, I look around for Austin. I couldn't find him. I hope he will find me. I walk up to my locker and open it, a little note falls out. I pick up the note that says: Samantha in pretty bold cursive. I open the note and it says: Hey Samantha I’m really sorry but I’m not going to be in school for a month. I have to go to New York and see my family. They want to see how I’m doing in school. But also switch my medical plans. But I will think about you every minute when I’m away. Also when I come back it’s going to be Winter Break, and I’m going to take you out every night. I promise. -Austin
I close the note, I don’t know if I’m happy or sad. I really wanted to see Austin, just to simply know him better. However, in the note he said he’s going to be thinking about me when he’s away. That was so cute. But most importantly take me out every night. And he said I promise, “I promise” felt so powerful in his mind. And amazing in mine. I get my first hour books and slam my locker. I walk down the halls, and suddenly I feel sad again. Some tears come down my face from the reality I live in. I miss Austin, but I don’t know why! I hardly even know him. But he’s the first person to say something to me. And really like me. I run faster down the hallways and end up in the office. The front office woman says: “Honey are you okay?” The only I could say is “I’m having a breakdown I want to go home.” She points to a phone I can use. I dialed and my mom picks up right away. “Hi mom it’s Samantha.” I said in tears. “What’s wrong, are you okay? Are you hurt?” my mom said. “No I just don’t feel good, I’m having a breakdown.” “Okay I’ll pick you up on 10.” “Thanks.” and the phone call goes dead.
When I came home, it didn’t help. I kept on thinking of Austin more and more. I cried and I sobbed. I wrote letters that I want to send to him. Saying what condition I’m in and that I’m a lot of work. But say that I’m falling for him so much. I was scared and terrified. I look in my draws to find my pills. Oh I remember my mom took them. I start spazzing but no it’s better like this. It’s alright. I say to myself.
The next day I go to school. I open my locker as slowly as I can to see if they’re anymore notes. But Austin is not here, I felt stupid. Each and every day of the month of November and December were terribly lonely. I would walk down the halls more slowly than ever, just to see every detail in the world. I would never talk in class, if the teacher asked me a question I would say “I don’t know.” Or just say as little words as possible. I would sit under the staircase for lunch. I didn’t want to be by people in the lunchroom. I wanted to be with Austin. Three weeks passed by. Austin was coming home in one week. I was so excited I had a calendar counting down the days. It was yet another Monday, but I didn’t care Austin was coming back in four days. This week was different I wanted to talk, I wanted to sit by people at lunch. Austin made me feel happy. I felt my depression decreasing, and we weren’t even dating.
I walk in into my English class. I see this guy sitting in the back corner all alone. I remember when I was like that. I felt bad for the kid, so I came up to him. And sat right next to the guy with brown hair. With my surprize it was Austin!
“Austin!!!! Oh my gosh, I thought you were coming home on Friday!” I said surprised.
“Samantha? I didn't know you were in this class. I wanted to surprize you in the halls.”
“Are you kidding this is so much better.” I said smiling.
“Well I begged my mom to let us leave a week earlier, she said it was fine, after me begging for three weeks.”
“Omg! Thank you for coming early. I missed you.” I can’t believe I just said that. But I was too happy to care.
“I missed you, okay so where do you want to go tonight?”
“Wait what do you mean? I thought you said when Winter Break starts.”
“No I said, when I come back.”
“Okay well I don’t know, there are so many spots in Washington.”
“Well I did go to this place called “PLG”
“You mean Pretty Little Girls.” my voice got low.
“That’s what it’s called, okay. And are you okay your voice got sad in a way.”
“Sorry I went there with my dad.”
“Where is your dad?” The bell rang and the teacher started talking. Thank you! I didn’t want to start crying now. If I want to be close to Austin, I guess I have to tell him about my dad. Tonight.
After English Austin came up to me and said sorry about asking about my dad. I said it was fine. And I told him when to pick me up tonight. I think that this is date. Omg! My heart is racing!
I got home from school and teared through my closets to see what I can wear tonight. My mom came in my room and asked what’s wrong? “Austin and I are going out tonight to PLG!!!!” I shouted happily. “Awww I’m so happy for you girl. What are you going to wear?” “Ugh I don’t know!!! Like I have nothing cute.” “Are you kidding, this blue dress is to die for.” My mom hands me this strapless dress three inches above the knee. The dress has a pretty flow to it, and matched the color of my eyes. But also she handed me a white long pretty sweater. “Mom, I didn’t even know that I had this.” I said amazed. “I was going to surprise you with it. You were going to wear it when your dad was suppose to come home from his business trip. Because he told me that he got a promotion. We were going to move to California. And live right next to your best friends. But he didn’t make it on the plane.” my mom said trying not to cry. “Why didn’t you tell me this?” “I just didn’t want you to get all mad, but whatever there is a special guy waiting for you in how much minutes?” “twenty.” “Only twenty, go go you better get dressed!” I got dressed and did my makeup. Not the normal careless kind, but the caring kind. I looked in the mirror, and I saw a girl who was beyond gorgeous. She had a tight fitted dress on with curly hair, and her makeup was so well down. With her rosy cheeks and silver eyeshadow. I looked like how I imaged. I feel strong. I feel a little better. But I wasn’t still over my depression, my dad. No I’m not going to start crying. I hear a knock on the door. Austin! I run downstairs and I see him. Austin with his perfect brown hair and sparkling green eyes. He’s wearing a navy blue shirt and blue jeans. He looks flawless. “Samantha, you look amazing.” he said.
“Thank you, as well as you.” I said in a flirty voice.
“Your welcome and thank you.” Austin opened the door and lead me to the cold December. “You look cold, do you want my jacket?” he said. “No thank you, then you’re going to be cold.” I wanted to be nice too. “Are you sure?” he said. “Yes I’m sure.” He walks me to his car and I can see that it is all heated up for me. He puts on the radio, and puts on 106.1... country. “Is this station okay, sorry I love country.” he admits.
“Are you kidding, I love country more than anything!”
“Wow, oh my gosh I didn’t know that.” he said
“Well now you do.” I giggled.
“Yes and I’m glad. So what’s this song?” the song was soft and quiet it was easy, it was one of my favorite songs.
“Don’t miss your life, by Phil Vassar.”
“Amazing.” he said.
“Well, it is one of my favorite songs.”
“No way! Me too! Hey we have somethings in common.” he said happily
“That’s always good.” I said
“Okay this is going to be our song.” Austin said Our song? Our, as in we as in him and I. As in Austin and Samantha. I love how that sounds. It’s feels like chocolate in my mouth.
“Yes our song is: Don’t miss your life.” I said. The song ended, in beautiful harmony. And then we arrived. PLG looked the same it did five years ago, my dad and I would always come here on the first Friday of each month. He would get the Hot Chocolate and I would get the Pink Lemonade. We didn’t even care what season it was. Austin opened the front door for me and we walked it. It looked the same. It had soft music playing in the background. The walls are a pretty light purple. And the tables are fancy and unique. A man sent us to the top floor of the restaurant. In Pretty Little Girls there are two floors, and you're lucky if you get to sit at the top. We got to the top and no one was there. We are seated at a table by a window. The window shows us the beautiful city of Seattle. We ordered and then we said thank you. Austin and I were finally alone.
“This place is amazing! Look at this view!” Austin said.
“I know, I don’t remember this place being this pretty.”
“Oh ya didn’t you say that you always went here with your dad?” Okay, really getting into my dad already. Well I want to get it over with so, okay let’s see how this goes.
“Yes every first Friday of the month.” I said
“That’s cool, do you still go here with him?”
“No, my dad is not here.”
“Is he on a business trip or something?” he said. I wish he was, but he didn’t even make it on the plane.
“Umm well as in not here. He passed away two years ago.”I say in tears
“Samantha, I’m sorry, here come sit by me.” Austin said in a quiet loving voice. I get up and sit right next to Austin. And put my head on his shoulder. He feels warm and safe.
“Thanks Austin, I have to tell you something. Since my dad got killed I have been in depression for two years.”
“Your dad got killed?” Austin said worried
“Yes, he was getting on his plane, and a guy was out of control. And shot my dad right in the heart.”
“I’m so sorry and I don’t care if you are depressed. Because I’m going to cure you.
“A place in my heart will never be the same. The only thing I wanted was to say goodbye.”
“I’m sorry for your lost, and I hope you will get it back.”
“My dad, umm he can’t come back to life.” I said sobbing
“Shhh.” That’s the only thing Austin said before I met his lips. Austin and I were kissing, it was weight off my back. His lips were soft and tasted like mint. His kiss was more than just a kiss it was an amazing feeling that couldn’t be described.
“Austin, I think I’m falling for you.” I said.
“I know I am.” he said. The rest of the night was wonderful. We ate delicious foods and just talked. He helped me understand that he’s going to help me through my depression. He said this three times: “Samantha you don’t deserve this, you deserve to be happy. Some day before I die I will cure you.” Every time he said that his lips were on mine. I was starting to fall in love with Austin. But I’m scared to lose him.
The weekend was wonderful on Saturday Austin just wanted to stay at home and relax but he wanted to be with me. I kept on saying it’s okay you don’t have to bring me out every night... but he insisted. That night we watched The Notebook, we both cried and sobbed, I loved that movie. We ate popcorn and drink soda. I didn't care what it was doing to my body. Austin said in a cute country accent: “Girl you need some meat on those bones.” It made him and I laugh everytime. But Sunday was the best. On Sunday he brought me to his church. My family and I were really religious but then my dad passed away and we just stopped, and then my depression started. And I couldn’t handle to get out of the house. But Austin changed that he brought me to St. John’s Parish and it was amazing, I just loved how church was and how the mass went. I forget some of the verses with in the past two years. But it gave me a chance to pray and have God in my life again. Because I always thought, where would I be without God, oh yeah I remember nowhere. So Sunday gave me a chance to remember some memories of my dad. Even though I cried it was a good cry. I just needed to let it all out, and that’s what happened. After mass Austin went home and I did too. On Sunday I just layed in my bed for two hours...just thinking. I was thinking what was going on in my life at this very moment. I looked around my room and saw a picture frame of my dad and I. I remembered each moment so clear that it felt like it was really happening. I cried a little and I felt somewhat depressed but it didn’t matter because I have Austin in my life. It was yet another Monday, but it wasn’t just the same old Monday that I go to school and live my studies. But no, it was Christmas break. I wake up from the sound of my mom cooking, she never cooks. I walk downstairs and smell the delicious bacon and the hot pancakes. My mom has a plate all ready for her and I. I hasn’t sat and talked with my mom in such a long time. So I guess today was the day.
“Mom, why are you making all this for me?” I said
“Because your special.” my mom said
“Well thanks but really mom, why?”
“You found Austin, and I’m grateful for that.”
“Come on stop, we’re just dating.” I said embarrassed
“Not too you.” That was true, we weren't just dating. Because dating is just having fun with a guy. I didn’t want to be with him for 2 months, and then it’s over. I wanted him and I to last.
“I know, thanks mom. You have been very supportive.”
“That’s what a mother’s job is.” Tears came down her face. She was right, all this time she had to see me suffer and go through my depression. She had to see me take drugs, make bad choices. I never thought how it was on her side. I felt terrible. How could I make her feel pain when I felt it too?
After breakfast I went upstairs and got ready for the day. I saw a text from Austin saying: Hey I’m taking you shopping today, I’m going to pick you up at 12:00 and then go out for lunch. I responded saying: “Okay, I’ll see you in 2 hours then.” Yes! Austin Austin! I’m going to see him in only two hours! I wanted to wear something cute it was 28 degrees out and snowing. Our first snowfall was 2 weeks ago, and we have a foot of snow. So I put on black jeggings, with black high heel boots. With a dark purple shirt, that goes with a light purple scarf. Last, put on my gray fancy petticoat. I run downstairs and do my makeup, I wanted to look beautiful and winter like. So I decide to put gray eyeshadow on with brown blush. I put on a little eyeliner on the bottom of my eyes. Then to finish it off, I put dark purple lipstick on. I look in the mirror, and I looked beautiful. Austin picks me up right on time. We go shopping, and went to a cute little cafe. Then he took me to the Shops of Westerberg, it was beautiful. Snow was falling, and little snowflakes fell on our noses. We played in the snow like little kids. Then we got Hot Chocolate and sat on a bench, with a view of Westerberg. That was a wonderful day, when I got home I felt so good. I was in love with Austin, I didn’t need to question it. And I knew that he loves me. Nothing that day could ever get me mad. The rest of that week he took me out more and more. I couldn’t get enough of this. But the best night was Saturday. On Saturday, we stayed at my house. We watched Dear John and had warm cookies and milk. Then Austin leaned into me and said: Samantha, I love you, I’m in love with you. May you please love me? I leaned into him and said: ‘Yes” and then we kissed. His lips were soft and warm, I never wanted this to end. For the rest of the night we just talked like friends. Austin was an amazing person in my life right now and I just didn’t want to lose him. On Sunday, I had a doctor’s appointment, so I couldn’t go out with Austin. it made me kind of a sad. But that didn’t stop Austin because when I came into the office there he was. He was in the doctor’s room talking to my mom. Of course like any girl, I ran up to him and gave him a kiss and a hug. I let Austin stay and come to future appointments. I loved how he understood what I was going through. But the doctors wanted him there too, because my depression was decreasing. We all knew that Austin was my cure.
Two months passed by. Austin kept his promise that he would take me out every single day of Winter Break. Now it was February and we had school. Austin would come to my locker and then we would sit next to each other at lunch. I never got bored of Austin. I learned something new about him every day.
It was a Friday, and I was so happy! But I was also scared, lately Austin has been acting a little different. I didn’t get all the answers I wanted. He had as many doctor appointments as me. I wanted to talk to him about it, but I every time I started he would just end the conversation with a kiss. I didn’t like how he knew so much about me, and I knew nothing about him. “Hey beautiful.” Austin says.
“Oh Austin, hey.” I kiss him and we walk out of the school doors together.
“So do you have any plans tonight?” I say.
“Ummm yeah, I’m sorry I have this big doctor’s appointment.”
“Okay, what’s it about?” I said scared. Austin pulled me in and tried to force a kiss. But I pulled away.
“What’s that? What’s wrong?” he said.
“Austin, I’m tired of knowing nothing about you. And everytime I ask you a question about your appointments you kiss me.” I said meanly
“It’s personal.” he said.
“I tell you everything about my life, and you can’t tell me, why are you having all these appointments? I care about you. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Then help me.”
“You don’t get it, and you never will.”
“You know just stop. Let me know when you can tell me the truth. It better be soon.” I walk away and leave him alone in the cold winter wind. I go on my bus and turn around. He’s just standing there. I turn around and go on the bus. I hear I love you Samantha in the distance. I turn around and say: “Yeah I thought I did too.” I sit on the bus and hold in my tears before I get home. When I get home I run to my room and start crying. My mom came in and said what’s wrong? I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just yelled: “Austin is not telling me the truth and ugh I just got mad at him.” And closed the door on her. I started having a breakdown I couldn't stay in my room anymore. I had to get out. So I ran out of the door with my phone and started to run. I ran until I couldn’t run anymore. I end up 3 miles away from my home. I find a little bench and start crying more. I love Austin and I just wanted answers. I cared about him, couldn’t he just understand? I pick up my phone and see I have 10 miss calls from Austin. I didn’t want to talk to him, and if I did. Then I would explode and say things I didn't mean. After two hours just thinking in the cold. I walk back and just think about how my life would be without Austin. I couldn’t even dream waking up one morning and seeing him not by my side.
For the past five days, I avoided Austin. I still wasn’t ready. My mom said he came to the front door 5 times everyday. For those five days it was so hard, but it was for the best. I felt my depression coming harder and harder. I had more time to think about my dad, I started to buy more pills. I felt worse, I started to throw up because I felt too fat. I needed Austin, but I didn’t want to be the weak one.
I turned on my phone and I saw a text from Austin saying: “Meet me at the Ice Skating rink at 12, we need to talk.” I was pretty messed up, I needed Austin, and clearly he needed me. It was 11:50 and it takes me 15 minutes to drive there. So I ran out of my house and took the car. I was scared what he was going to say, what if he breaks up with me? I arrived at the rink at 12:07, and I see Austin standing there looking at his watch. I ran out of the door and say Hi. “Hey Samantha I was scared that you weren’t going to come. Your mom said you weren’t doing so good. I’m sorry I brought you back in and it’s all because of me.” he said.
“Well thank you.” I said in a soft voice.
“Okay, what do you want to know?”
“I don’t want you to worry or get scared. I need you to be strong.” Austin said
“Stop scaring me, just tell me the truth.”
“I was diagnosed with Heart Cancer, three years ago. And it’s getting worse. The cancer is spreading.” he said with a dry mouth.
“Austin, what!” I said crying
“Samantha, it’s going to be okay.” he said. Wait what?!?! What was going on? He has cancer, no heart cancer.
“No it’s not, oh my gosh. Please Austin just tell me you're okay.”
“I can’t. I don’t know. I just want you to help me go through this.”
“Of course I am, but Austin I’m not leaving you. And you're not going to leave me right?”
“Samantha never in my life, will I ever leave you.” Austin pulled me in a warm hug, he stroked my hair saying: “It’s going to be okay, I love you.” We just stayed in that position for fifteen minutes. After fifteen minutes I drove away, I needed to think. I drove home and came in the door. My mom saw my face and said, “Are you okay? Where were you, I was worried sick!” “I’m fine, I was with Austin. He told me that he has heart cancer, and he doesn’t know if he’s okay.”
“What? I’m so sorry. But we’re going to help him.”
“I know, mom I just can’t talk right now. I want to cry myself asleep. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.” I run up to my room and fall under my covers. After one hour, I call Austin. I had to hear his voice. I dialed his number. “Hello Samantha.” he said
“Hey Austin, sorry I just need to hear your voice.”
“Same here, I want you to come to my doctors appointment at 2:00 today?”
“I want too. Yes.”
“Okay I’m really sorry but I have to go. My doctor says I have to eat a healthy lunch. Bye. I love you.”
“I love you too. Bye.” The phone call goes silent. I heard his voice. He’s healthy and alive that it just what I needed.
At 1:30, Austin and his mom picked me up. And then we went to the doctors. I was so scared, I didn’t know who I would be without Austin. He made my life complete. It was 2:00 and we went into this room. Before we went in Austin whispered in my ear saying: “it’s going to be okay we just have to be strong.”I kissed him and then we went in. At his appointment he had to answer about 50 questions. They were so confusing, they had all these medical terms that Austin all knows. He had to have 5 x-rays of his heart. And take all this medicine. His appointment was so stressful, Austin has a hard life. We finally left the doctors at 7, a five hour appointment was too much for me. I had to step out sometimes to get some fresh air. It was really hard for me to comfort Austin because I didn’t know what to say. He was so strong and I was so weak.
I kept on going to Austin’s appointments. Some were good days and others were bad. The worst one was when Austin was sick, he had a high fever that wouldn’t go away. He had an affection in his blood. And if some of that blood lead to the heart then.. Austin wouldn’t be here. It was the worst two weeks of my life. Austin was in emergency care for four days. I couldn’t see him or even hear how he was doing. So I fasted for him, I didn’t eat anything for four days. I just lived on water. By day three I fainted and my blood sugar got low. I was sent to the hospital. And my doctor’s were very disappointed in me, they thought I was getting better. But I fasted for Austin, so it was because of him. We are such an odd couple. After two months of going to my appointments and Austins, I was tired and I couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped going to his and he stopped going to mine. We had our own lives to take care of.
It was a sunny Sunday morning, and I felt wonderful! I knew I was getting better I could just feel it flowing through my blood. I went downstairs and I could feel the warm sun shining from the windows. It’s early April and the trees were already budding with beautiful colors. I hear my phone ringing and I pick it up, to my surprize it’s Austin. “Hello Samantha.” “Ummm Mrs. Cole? Why do you have Austin’s phone?” “No questions. Austin’s cancer has spread dramatically and unexpectedly he’s in the ER right now, please come quick.” I couldn’t think anymore, what did she just say? Austin the one I love is in pain. “Is he okay? Tell me he’s okay. He can’t um this can’t be happening.” “He might have a couple of hours, come quick.” I hang up the phone before I can say another word. I run out the door and jump into the car. I drive faster and faster, Austin couldn’t just die. I love him. God has him in my life to cure my depression. Someone you love can’t die! No he won’t, he’s going to live. Tomorrow is going to be another day.
I arrive at the hospital with a worried face and tears coming down. I run up to the front desk and say: “I’m here for Austin he’s dying where is he?” The man tries to quiet me down, but it doesn’t work. Mrs. Cole comes out of two doors and tells me to come this way. “Mrs. Cole, where is Austin. Am I too late?” I say.
“No, Austin is doing okay. He might live.”
“Okay thank God!” I arrive at a dark blue door that says room 674. I open the door and there he is. Austin. He has tubes attached to places all over his body. He’s eyes are weak and droopy, his hair is all greasy. “Samantha, Samantha. Where is she?” I hear Austin tremble. He can barely talk, he’s weak and he needs strength.
“Austin, I’m here.” I sit right next to him and hold his hand tight.
“I love you, I will always love you. You made my life amazing, I love you. I love you.” he says.
“Austin I love you too. You made my life amazing. And shhh don’t use all your strength.”
“I don’t care. I want to spend my last few moments with the girl I love.”
“What do you mean? I thought you're doing better?” I say sobbing.
“Does it matter, I just want you to be the one that I see last. I’m sorry.”
“Austin? What are you saying sorry about?” I say confused.
“I promised that I would cure you. You would get better. I said before I die I will make your depression go away. Look at me now I’m weak and I’m dying.”
“No, don’t say that. I’m strong enough to help myself. Now I have to help you.”
“You know Samantha, I never thought that I would be on my deathbed. And I would see the girl I love standing before me. With her beautiful brown hair and her dazzling blue eyes. Samantha, you made me a better person. You made me realize the better things in life. You helped me through my cancer. Samantha Rose Lockwell, I’m not letting you lose someone you love without saying goodbye. Goodbye Samantha, I love you.” Austin stops breathing, his heart stops pumping and he stops growing. I stay there with my hand locked in with his. And I cry, I have never cried this hard before, but it doesn’t matter. The doctors say I need to leave. I whisper I love you in his ear, let go of his hand, and walk out the door.
I come home with a broken heart. Tomorrow he’s not going to be here. I’m never going to see him again. He is gone for good. I lost a piece of my heart, that I will never get back. How can I go through every day of my life knowing I will never see Austin again? How can I deal with this pain? I can’t... I need to be with him. I run downstairs and find the cabinet where the knives are. I can't live my life without Austin, period. I search and I find one. I take the knife between my fingers and say this is for my own good. My mom comes in and see’s me with a knife in my hand. I whisper I’m sorry and plunge the knife through my heart, but to my surprize my mom saves me before I can do it. She doesn’t say a word. She understands me. I know she’s scared, she knows this is going to be harder than she thought. She takes my hand and says we need to go to the doctors.
I had more appointments than I ever had in my life. My depression was getting worse and worse. I’ve been taking more pills. But within the month after Austin's death my mom found them and threw them out. I was messed up. I was worse than I was before. Austin and I grew a relationship stronger than my dad and I. I couldn't let this go any slower than it already is. Two months passed and it was time for Austin’s funeral. I was getting a little better, but not enough. I had to write a speech. The speech was hard to write, but it felt good to get my feelings out. I was scared for the funeral. I would see him there, but he couldn’t see me.
It’s June 4th. The day of the funeral. I put on a black tight dress with a white sweater and do my makeup. I put on the careless kind because I know the makeup is going to wipe away with my tears. After I finish getting ready my mom and I go in the car and drive to Austin’s funeral. We get there and I see a cassette open. I couldn't get out of the car, but my mom pulled me out. The first part of the funeral was visiting Austin. There he was with pale skin and the smell of death all around him. It was depressing seeing him there. But I kissed him on the cheek and went to my seat. Then it came to the speeches. Some speeches were short, some were long. Then I hear my name and I get out of my seat. I hear distant voices saying: “they loved each other and all that.” I clear my voice and start talking.
“Austin, Austin was amazing. He was the kind of person that you had to love. He had that charming voice that would make you melt like butter. I remember the first time I met Austin. It was a Friday and I was walking to my locker and we both slammed right into each other. I opened my eyes and there he was with his hand out. I remembered that he smelt like freshly cut trees, and his hair was short to the point that it was spiked up a little. His skin was soft and glowing. But what caught my heart were his eyes. His eyes were radiant green. That was the first time. Then we started to hang out more and more. I started to fall for him, he was loving and sweet. For two full years I was depressed. For 6 months I was taking over-dose pills. I was making very bad choices. Sometimes I would question why I needed to have a life? I planned to try to kill myself sometimes. I was in pretty bad shape. But when Austin came along he made my life worth living. I truly love Austin, even though he’s not with us anymore. I will constantly think of him. He was the only one that I truly love and will forever. Everyday he would say: “Samantha you don’t deserve this, you deserve to be happy. Some day before I die I will cure you.” The thing is, his mission is complete. He cured my depression. Some might ask: “The one you loved died, he passed away.” I know, and I was in horrible condition for a couple months. But I realized that he did something that nobody did. Through every single moment we spent together. He made me feel happy, I wanted to live my life. He and I both thought I was still sick, but I wasn’t through love and care. I learned that Austin was not just my boyfriend but a best friend. A best friend that would comfort you when you were sad or needed help. He helped me understand what life is all about. He told me that: “Life is full of struggles, and what you got to do is make those struggles worth fighting for.” Austin was always the strong one, he was dealing with something that led him to this moment. I’m proud to say that he has a place in my heart. Austin Cole, you have changed my life forever. You will always be in my heart no matter where you are.” I fold the paper and walk away with tears in my eyes. I miss him more than anything in the world. But someday we'll be together forever. I look up to him, through the old oaks, above those white puffy clouds in the perfect blue sky and say: “I love you."