Over the next year I had a few friends, but no one like Sarah. I just never clicked with anyone like I did with her. I saw her every day at school because our school only had 30 people. It was impossible to avoid each other. I still kept my best friend necklace in my pocket, but it hurt me to look at it. During that year her a Jace started arguing all the time. While they were on the “off” part of their topsy turvey relationship, Sarah started talking to another guy named Matt. Jace came to school once to visit Sarah and almost killed Matt. He was such a chicken, he locked himself in a classroom. I have to admit that Jace was scary as hell. Sarah realized after that incident that Matt was not the guy she wanted to be with. She started going to Jace’s house and begging for him back. I was so worried about her because she seemed very suicidal. Eventually Jace took her back. And that’s when the nightmare begins.

About a year after Sarah graduated I saw her at a party and noticed she was wearing a ring on her left hand. She ran up to me and gave me a huge hug. She apologized for everything that happened and I did too. I was just so happy to have my best friend back again. “Kayla, I’m getting married in a year and you have to be in my wedding”. I was so happy for her. We walked around sampling food and started planning her wedding. What are we going to wear? What colors should be the main colors? What kind of food? It was never-ending. Jace was quiet but he seemed to be nicer than he used to be. He gave me a huge hug and he smelled like beer and cigarette smoke; a smell I will never forget.

A few weeks later Jace and Sarah invited me to Jace’s place. I thought it was awesome that he had his own house. I was in my senior year of high school and it was then that I started rebelling from everything they taught us about staying pure and not drinking or doing drugs. Hanging out at a house with no parental supervision was the perfect opportunity for that. At first, I would go over there and we would hang out, order pizza, and just watch a movie, but after a while it became a lot less innocent. We got Jace to buy loads of liquor since he was the only one of age and this is when it really started to go bad.

“Come on, take another shot! Kayla! Kayla! Kayla!” Jace chanted. I was on my 8th shot of grey goose I think, I might have lost count. Now he was feeding me Jaeger Bombs. I was on cloud nine, I had never been drunk before. He kept grabbing bottles out of the freezer and I took everything he handed me in stride. He walked around the counter and slapped me on the ass. Hard. But I didn’t feel it, I had too much of a buzz. Sarah couldn’t really handle the liquor, she stuck with her strawberry daiquiris. It seemed like no matter how much Jace drank, he never got drunk. He smoked like a freight train though and soon, I started doing the same thing. I felt so mature. I could smoke and drink with the best of ‘em. No one could call me a goody two shoes again. I realized pretty soon that I was a black-out drunk. I could remember a few things, but most everything else was just blank.

Jace would take pictures so they could show me things I did. Nothing too bad, just me falling on the floor or with my pants jacked up or with my head in the sink, until this one night- I had way to much liquor. I had mixed grey goose, absolut vodka, jack daniels, jaeger, red bull, coconut rum, hurricane, and beer. I’m sure there was more but I can’t remember anything after that. I guess I ended up getting sick because I woke up the next morning and I was pretty gross, but I was also wet like I had taken a shower. Jace and Sarah informed me that I had gotten sick. Sarah said she didn’t remember it because she was blacked out too, but Jace remembered it all. He had taken all my clothes off and put me in the shower. He showed me pictures that he had taken. I was completely naked. I begged him to delete them. They were so embarrassing! I had puke all in my hair and I just couldn’t imagine if they got out! What if my parents saw them? I was so mad he wouldn’t delete them but I trusted him, he’d never do anything to hurt me, we were like best friends, brother and sister. It doesn’t matter if your brother sees you naked, right?

On our “party” nights we would always turn the music up real loud and dance. Sarah wasn’t much of a dancer so Jace and I would dance. He would grind up on me and Sarah would just sit on the couch and laugh. Now that I look back at it, she was probably just trying to be cool and pretend nothing bothered her. I mean come on, she had a ring, she had her best friend back and Jace was being nice to her, it was a fairytale. Why would she mess that up? One night we all were drinking a lot and we pulled out a slip n’ slide. Let me tell you, it is extremely dangerous to do slip n’ slide when you’re drunk and naked. I had many bruises the next day. I acted like nothing bothered me though. Even when Jace would come up in front of me and sqeeze my nipple or my ass, I would run away laughing but I refused to believe it was anything other than play.

Soon, we became such good friends that none of us kept secrets. We told each other everything. We talked about sex a lot and no details were off-limits. When you hang out with someone enough, they start showing their true selves. One night while Sarah and I were watching a reality show Jace suddenly yelled, “Sarah, come here!”. She ran in the other room and I could hear him yelling, “Why the hell did you leave the clothes in the dryer? Now the t-shirt I wanted to wear is extremely wrinkly! God, you can’t do anything right!” I felt a rage like nothing I’d ever felt before run through my veins. Why was a stupid t-shirt a reason to yell at her like that? I could hear he sobs through the wall and it just broke my heart. I burst in the door, “Jace, on the porch right now!” and surprisingly, he obeyed without a word. I hugged Sarah and said, “You don’t do anything wrong. You’re too good for that bastard and I'm going to talk some sense into him.” When I walked out onto the porch, he was smoking as always. I grabbed a cigarette to calm me down and just looked at him, I mean really looked at him. “You know you’re an ass right?” he said, “Yeah, I’m sorry.” “You better be because the next time that happens I’m taking her with me and we are leaving and not coming back. I will tell her parents and they will never let her see you again.” I was calmer now, but my voice was ice-cold. He shivered a bit, “Kayla, I was just stressed out from work today, it won’t happen again.” I finished my cigarette and went inside, Jace was talking to Sarah. She looked much better and they were hugging. I felt like such a badass and I was proud of myself for fixing the situation. Or so I thought.

We used to take showers together, all three of us. Sarah and I would act lesbian just to get a rise out of Jace. It was funny to us, but when I look back on it, I don’t laugh. I would bring boyfriends over to hang out and Jace would always dis-like them. He would pull his gun out and act like my father whenever they came around. If we were snuggling in the back room, he would always come peek his head in to make sure we weren’t doing anything. It was annoying; I mean if I wanted a dad, I’d go home. It was just sick and twisted and I realized he was jealous.

If the alcohol was out of this situation, I believe it would have been much different. It would have had to have been. When we would drink, Jace would suggest we go watch porn on his big screen tv. It seemed completely normal to me then, all three of us popping popcorn with our beers and watching porn. There was only one chair in the room so Sarah and I had to sit on either of his legs. He would try to touch me on the side Sarah couldn’t see, but I would laugh and wiggle and he would snuggle his nose into my neck and laugh, “I’m just kidding sis!”

I had dated a lot of guys, but I found that I got bored easily. They were all too immature for me. I wanted someone who would go out with me without being high every time and wouldn’t bring his friends with him everywhere we went. It was an amazing summer when I met Landon. He was a few years older than me and just so much different from any other guy I had met. I gushed about him to Sarah and Jace. Sarah was so excited for me, but Jace always wanted to put him down. He seemed convinced Landon wasn’t good enough for me, but I ignored him because I felt like I had found The One.

I always felt like guys only wanted one thing, sex. I had such a wrong view on things. I tried throwing myself at Landon many times and he’s a guy so of course he would make out with me, but anything more he turned down. I thought I was doing something wrong or was unattractive because no guy had ever been such a gentleman to me. He had just gotten out of a bad relationship so he said he wanted to take it slow and didn’t want a relationship yet. Most of the time when I would hear a guy say that, it would mean the guy just wanted to get some and then he was going to leave, that he just didn’t want to be tied down. That’s not what Landon meant though. He literally wanted to take it slow. Sure, we had some very hot make out sessions but he always stopped it from going further. I was in love.

It was another night of drinking and I was in a great mood. Everything was going so great for me. I just kept taking shot after shot and drinking anything I was handed until I was blissfully blacked out. Sarah had been drinking too and she was passed out on the bed beside me. When I came to, I was on the bed lying on my side and someone was behind me, very close. I also realized something was inside of me. It was Jace. I couldn’t move or do anything; I was at the in-between state of aware and blacked out. I looked to my right and saw Sarah lying there asleep. A whimper escaped my lips and Jace whispered, ”Shhh it’s alright” and I blacked out again.

When I woke up the next morning I had a fierce headache and I could smell cinnamon buns baking in the kitchen. I got up and put my discarded clothes on. I didn’t remember taking them off but I didn’t think anything of it because this was a normal occurrence for me after I drank. I wandered into the kitchen to find Sarah pouring orange juice into a cup and I walked up behind her and gave her a hug. All of the sudden, we were enveloped by big arms, Jace. The smell of smoke and beer filled my nose and I ran to the bathroom, slammed the door behind me, and threw up everything in my stomach. Jace wanted to know what was wrong, but I wouldn’t open the door; I was remembering. I remembered his big, beefy hands on my back and his ugly gap between his teeth smiling at me in the dark. I remembered his heavy breathing and the smell of smoke and beer in my face. I puked again. I didn’t know what to do. So I pretended I was fine. I walked out of the bathroom, said it must have been all the alcohol making me sick, and asked them to take me to my car in town. We all got dressed and on the way Sarah had to stop to get something from where she worked, leaving Jace and I alone in the car. He was driving and I was in the back seat. He turned around and put his hand on my knee, “How you feeling sis?” “Fine, just need a cigarette.” He chuckled and handed me a cigarette while lighting one for himself, “Do you remember anything from last night?” “No, not really. Should I?” “Naw I was just wondering because you know how you black out when you drink. We had a good time though. A great time actually”, he winked at me. It took all of my willpower not to throw up again, I just took a long drag of my cigarette and looked out the window. “We have a special relationship”, he said “Sarah wouldn’t understand, you know? We kid around and stuff, but it doesn’t mean anything”. I just nodded as Sarah got back in the car.

I was lost in my own thoughts the rest of the night. He’s a bastard. But you brought it upon yourself. You should have never let him play around like he does. But you trusted him. It’s not your fault. You’re just a slut, you attract bad guys. Well, is he so bad? I was a drunk naked girl lying beside him, what guy wouldn’t take advantage of that. Landon wouldn’t. Just forget about it. It’s no big deal. Just sex. Rape Kayla, not sex. My head was so messed up. I was justifying Jace! I just didn’t want to face what had happened so I didn’t. I put it in a box in my head and I covered it and told myself never to open the box again, but that’s easier said than done.

I continued to go over to Jace’s but I didn’t drink like I used to. I was going to be sure I didn’t black out again. I couldn’t escape the icky feeling in my heart though. Every time I looked at Sarah, images from that night flashed through my head and every time Jace came near me I smelled beer and smoke and it made me sick. So I stopped coming around as much. I hung out with Landon more and it killed me that I was tainted like this and he didn’t know. Even though I pretended not to be, every single part of me was damaged. It weighed on me every night. Jace didn’t know how much he shattered me and I would never let him know.

Sarah became angry with me because I never came around when Jace was there. I told her it was because he made me uncomfortable and that I felt he was inappropriate with me. “Kayla, he thinks of you like a sister. How could you say that?” I wanted to tell her everything and that a brother doesn’t rape his sister, but I knew she wouldn’t believe me. I would lose my best friend again and I wasn’t sure if I could handle that again. I promised her I would come around more often, but I never did. I couldn’t handle being around him. She ended up kicking me out of her wedding and replacing me. I didn’t blame her; I would have done the same thing for Landon. Love does that; it makes you stupid.

Landon and I had gotten so close. We would meet random places and sit in his car and talk for hours. He would play with my hair and whisper things like I was so different from everyone else and he was falling for me. As soon as I would drive away, he would text me, I miss you already. No one had ever treated me so good. It was so foreign, but so beautiful.

One night, we were laying on his bed watching tv and I just started crying. “Baby, what’s wrong? Did I do something?” he immediately said. I gave a sad laugh and said, “No you didn’t do anything. I was just thinking about something.” “Kayla, you can tell me. I’m the one person who is never going to hurt you.” It was just too good to be true. How can someone care about me so much when I don’t even care about myself that much? In midst of my tears, I spilled the whole story about Jace. I promised myself I wouldn’t open the box again, but with Landon, I couldn’t help it. It’s like my insides just melt and leak out my pores when I’m with him. Next thing I knew, I was in his arms and he was rocking me back and forth. I could have sworn I saw a tear slide down his clenched jaw.

“I saw Sarah today”, I said into the phone. “Oh really?” Landon asked, “Are you okay?” “Yeah I think so. I just hate I lost my best friend. She was my other half. Anyways what are you doing?” “I’m at Wal-Mart getting-“, There were muffled sounds in the phone and I heard yelling; it sounded like Jace. “Landon, what’s happening?” I asked, but he didn’t answer me and the line went dead. I jumped in my car and rushed to Wal-Mart, when I walked inside I found Jace on the ground with a very bloody face. Landon was on top of him slamming his fist into Jace’s face over and over again. A few workers came over and broke them apart. Landon and I looked at each other and walked out the door hand in hand.

I lie awake at night and pray to forget, but his scent haunts me. It runs through the crack and crevices of my body like liquid fire. He has penetrated everything and taken so much from me. I slip into a deep sleep thinking of her climbing in bed and falling asleep beside a monster she doesn’t even know.