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Okay so this is the thing, I may have a tiny little problem with my shopping habits. But, I mean, I am going to need that waffle maker sometime! …. Well maybe I don’t exactly know how to make waffles but I could learn! And that black Coach handbag, I am definitely going to use that next time I go to a wedding. Hmm, I don’t really know anyone who is getting married. Still I think it was a good investment! Who knows; maybe it will be worth millions in a couple years!
My fiancé seems to think that I shop too much. I don’t think that is the case, I buy what I absolutely need and could not live without. I still have ample room to store stuff in the office. Ethan just doesn’t understand. Whatever, he will be thrilled when I come home today with a brand new polo shirt for him!
Oh my gosh. This store is fabulous! I am such a loser for not coming here before! Saks 5th Avenue is my new favorite store. I was immediately aghast when I walked in. To be honest, when my best friend, Khloe, told me about this store it didn’t sound plausible. Wow I was so wrong. This store has EVERYTHING. The only drawback is that it is so crowded and the sales person is inaudible over the hundreds of voices.
“Where are the polo shirts?” I basically scream at the sales person.
He gives a nod of understanding, “Aisle 7 next to the Red bottom Shoes.”
I can’t helping running through the store, just hearing that there are red bottom shoes in this building makes me intrigued. I just need another pair of shoes! I will be coveted by everyone! Red bottoms shoes are so in right now! My heart is thumping with excitement! The epitaph on my gravestone will say, Girl with the Red Bottom Shoes.
I am in close proximity to them … Wait. I am supposed to be here to get Ethan a new shirt. But I am sure he wouldn’t mind if I got something for myself too, right? Fiancés are supposed to want their soon-to-be wives to be happy! And Red Bottom shoes would make me REALY happy right now. To be honest I think I am being very ethical.
By the time I leave the store I am feeling so great! I walk past central park and American Girl before I reach my apartment building. I open the front door to our apartment and Ethan is sitting on the sofa.
“Hi Sweetheart …” He immediately stops when he sees my numerous shopping bags. OKAY maybe I bought more than just shoes and a shirt, but the dress matched perfectly …
“I bought you something!” I say, nearly cowering. Great, he is looking at me in a disappointed way.
“You always buy something. “ He says with no emotion. That is SO not true I don’t always buy something….
“I am not being facetious. You are indiscriminate when it comes to shopping.” He finishes.
“Well …” I try to think of a comeback but I feel too tired. Shopping really wears you out!
“Well?” he asks
“Well, shopping should be in the Olympics or should be a sport or something! Or it could be a reality show! I will submit the idea and then we will become rich! And then I can buy whatever I please!”
Ethan nearly falls down laughing, “I love you”
“I know.” I say with a smile
Alright so I know that Ethan told me to cut back on my shopping sprees, but I really need a new dress for my interview tomorrow. You see I am interviewing to be on the magazine staff of Vogue. If I get this job, it will be perfect! I will get to meet celebrities and do articles on clothes and shopping! God, this is job is practically made for me!
Ethan doesn’t understand that I need to get a new outfit for this. I mean, I will cut back, right after I buy this outfit. This is clearly a special occasion.
I let all my thoughts drift away as I walk into the oversized Macys. Wow, I kinda forgot how crowded it is here, I have lived in New York for a while, so you would think that I would be used to the commotion. I love being surrounded with so many shops! It is wonderful, except when your fiancé puts you on a budget.
I still hate that word. It sounds like something that the secret service would say to an intruder or something.
Whatever, time to start shopping!
“Ethan!” I scream as I walk inside of the apartment
“Yes?” He says questionably
“You cut off all my credit cards! Even my Visa!”
“I am so mad right now.” I stopped my foot and crossed my arms.
“Aren’t you going to say anything? Maybe an ‘I’m sorry”?”
“You know what fine! I don’t care I will just get another card.”
Why isn’t he answering me? He looks like he is in pain or something. Ugh, why does he have to look so cute, I want to hug him and tell him that everything is okay and I am not mad. I wouldn’t be lying, I am not mad, I am livid. Does he not know how important this interview is? I could meet all the celebrities! Does this not matter to him?
He opens his mouth, ready to speak, but then closes it again.
“I’m leaving …” I say and pick up my Prada bag.
This catches his attention, “No, wait.”
“I’m listening?” I say in the most I am so mad right now voice.
“I thought you would try to buy something unnecessary, so I cut off your cards and then the bills for all of them came in,” he said while plopping the envelopes on the table.
“So…” I say
“Have you looked at the total?” he asked.
I bend down to pick up two of the bills from Ruelala and Gilt Groupe*. Surely it can’t be that bad.
Oh. My. God.
OK maybe it can be that bad, but okay it is only one bill! The other ones won’t be this much money.
All I see is dollar signs. Dollar signs are only a good thing when it comes to paychecks. Wow, with all I spent I must have helped out the economy a lot. Hmm that is a good excuse! I was just trying to help our nation! Maybe I will even purchase a red white and blue hat to show my love for good old America! People will call me the girl who helped out the economy.
After I am finished opening all the bills, I feel a little guilty. I did blow a lot of cash. But I am about to make tons of money working for this new magazine! Maybe I will become best friends with Kim Kardashian and we will go shopping and she will lend me money, because I am her best friend, duh.
“Ethan, you of all people should know that you need to invest money to make money.”
“Really? Cause Sophie I don’t think buying clothes and shoes is considered an investment.”
“I really needed to buy a new outfit for my interview tomorrow! You don’t have the slightest idea how upset I am at you right now”
“Do you realize how many clothes you already have?” he asks.
I am SO done talking to him right now. I pick up my brand new Prada bag and walk toward the door. The last sound that he heard will be the sound of my Red Bottom shoes clacking against the hardwood floor.
* Ruelala and Gilt Groupe are online sample sales.
“He is calling again.” Khloe says as I fall silent. I have been staying at Khloe’s apartment for the last two days. Right after I got into the fight with Ethan I got a call from Vogue saying that they needed to postpone my interview because of some fashion crisis or something.
“I guess I should answer…” I say and Khloe hands me the pink shoe-shaped phone.
“I didn’t mean to freak out on you. I just got frustrated with … everything”
“Everything?” I ask.
“Meaning, your obsessive shopping and the wedding. Its not that I don’t want to get
married its just that I think we, uh, I need more time”
“How much time?” I ask trying to keep the tears away. I can tell that Khloe is intently watching me trying to read my expression.
“You don’t want to marry me do you?” I ask again more hesitant this time.
I am expecting him to say ‘I love you Sophie, of course I want to marry you!’ But instead he says “No.”
“Goodbye Ethan. Forever.” I say trying to sound confident and stern. Like a soap opera star, just like Carly on General Hospital during Sonny and Brenda’s wedding, when she is about to expose that Brenda had a child with Sonny’s son, Dante.
“Sophie don’t be stupid”
A glimmer of hope rises inside me. Maybe I am taking everything the wrong way! He probably does still want to marry me! Duh, I am soooo stupid to think that he wouldn’t! Before I can say anything else he says,
“You cant say goodbye to me forever, yet. You still have to come to the apartment and get your stuff”
The line goes dead.
That is MY apartment! Ugh, I knew that he should have been the one to leave. Khloe is still staring at me expecting me to tell her what happened.
“Now I have to return my Vera Wang wedding dress!” I desperately cry
We both stare at each other for a couple seconds and then start laughing, hard.
Did I mention that Khloe is a lawyer? … Well, kind of. She started going to law school because she wanted to be like Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde and then she realized that real law school wasn’t like the movie, so she quit and became a designer. ANYWAY, the thing is that she knows how to construct a document to look like a real lawyer wrote it. So, we are going over to my apartment with the fake restraining order telling Ethan to leave. This plan is perfect!
As we are walking up to my apartment I start to worry a little bit, what if he doesn’t believe us? I push the thought aside and start talking to Khloe to distract me.
“Khloe? He isn’t going to believe us.” I solemnly say.
“Why would you think that? Of course he is going to believe us!” She responds
She catches the look of doubt on my face. “Fine. Stay here, I will be right back”
Before I can reject or say anything, she rushes off in to the crowded street, leaving me in the Lobby.
About 5 minutes later she comes back sporting a tall guy with messy blonde hair, around her arm.
“Sophie, this is Stephan, Stephan meet Sophie,” She says in a matter- of – fact voice
“Umm, hi?” I say hesitantly.
“Stephan is going to pretend that he is a very important lawyer/ body guard, this way Ethan will definitely take us seriously.” Khloe continues, “Don’t just stand there Sophie! C’mon lets go”
What. Is. Happening.?
I lift my hand to put the key in the door of my apartment, the door unlocks and I take a step in.
“Ethan!” I scream in a raged physco ex girlfriend tone.
“Oh wait,” says Stephan, “I think I hear the shower”
His voice surprises me a bit. It is light but rough. He looks pleasant enough. God, how much did Khloe pay him to do this?
“Lets all go in and turn off the lights and shut the door and lock it! He will be so scared, that will show him!” Says Khloe.
Stephan and I both look at her, dumfounded.
“Lets not do that”
“Not a good idea”
We both say simultaneously.
“Fine, than what’s your plan?” she asks sounding kind of hurt.
Right as I was about to say something, Ethan steps out of the bedroom looking kind of creeped out. Well, I guess he wasn’t expecting me, Khloe and some random guy to be waiting for him after he got out of the shower.
I am the first one to speak, “Ethan, I have a restraining order in my hand, well in Khloe’s hand,” I correct myself, “I want you out of my apartment”.
Completely ignoring me Ethan says, “Who is he?”
Khloe speaks, “He is a professional lawyer, like myself, and we hereby declare you homeless.”
“I am not leaving, Sophie.” He says at once in a calm voice, the kind of voice that a parent says to their child when they think that they are being silly.
“Get out of my house!” I announce.
It is silent until Stephan takes a step forward toward Ethan. Hmm, I have never realized how short Ethan is.
“I think you should leave,” says Stephan.
“Who are you to tell me to leave?” Ethan asks following a snort.
“I am a police officer and I have a warrant for your arrest” He then reaches in his pocket and exposes his badge.
Everyone is silent; Khloe and I stare at each other in awe.
Ethan looks Stephan in the eye, “For what exactly?”
“Unpaid debts and embezzlement” Stephan concludes
Stephan is such a good actor! Like, seriously he should be in a movie, he is pulling this off so well and Ethan really looks fooled. He looks guilty!
Stephan pulls out a pair of handcuffs and points toward the door, “Lets go.”
We are at the police station and Stephan is greeted by all of the other officers, along with some words of praise when they see that he has Ethan handcuffed. Stephan is so awesome; he must have had to get all the other officers in on the plan to humiliate Ethan.
When we are done at the station Stephan escorts us out and tells us that he will walk us back to my apartment.
I wait until we are safely a block away from the police station, “Stephan! How did you get all of the officers to go along with the plan?!”
Khloe says, “That was Ah-mazing! How long are you going to make him stay there?”
For about three straight minutes Khloe and I ask Stephan so many questions and he just listens patiently waiting for us to stop. When we reach our apartment building he speaks,
“I wasn’t pretending. Randy was wanted for two years now for stealing money from his employers company to pay off debts.”
He catches that we are not satisfied and want to know more.
He continues, “I wasn’t planning to take Randy away today but when we walked in the apartment I recognized him with a first glance.”
I am still kind of shocked, “Why are you calling him Randy?”
“Ethan was not his real name, his real name is Randy. He made up a fake name.”
HA. Ethan … uh, Randy always got irritated with me for not paying my debts! What a complete liar!
“Before I go,” Stephan says, “Since you two helped me locate them, you are eligible for compensation.”
“Does that mean we get money?” Khloe asks.
“Yup, probably enough to pay off some of your debts,” Stephan says and looks at me with a small smile.
Oh Gosh, he knows.
Shopping Addict – Part III
I am sitting in a fancy chair with Ethan’s a big oak desk in front of me, and I am wearing a black Armani suit with a pair of Christian Loubition black heeled sandals. I start to open the first envelope but I stop in the middle and place the envelope down again. Who knew that paying bills would be so hard? That’s why I snuck into Ethan’s old office and drew all over the walls with my new Chanel lipstick. I wont mention what exactly the walls say … Lets just say he will think twice before making me return my Vera Wang customized wedding dress again. Anyway, since I am here, I decided that this is the perfect office to pay bills! I mean, I look so sophisticated sitting here with this huge desk in front of me!
About an hour later I have paid all my bills! Well, I am still waiting on the check from Stephan, so I wrote a letter to some of the stores that I owe money to. That should hold them off for a little. Frank is the manager of Tiffanys, so I wrote his letter first; he is actually a good friend of mine! He talked me into buying the Tiffany&Co diamond studded ring! Honestly he is a really smart guy.
I know that I may be a tad late paying the 1,000 dollars that I owe, but I can assure you that the money is
on the way! I am about to become a lady of leisure; you see I just helped identify a criminal, and the police are
paying me for it! Cool, huh? I hope that this minor setback doesn’t put a strain on our relationship.
Anyway, I am loving the new sterling silver charm bracelet out this season! I already pre-ordered it!
“Khloe!” I yell as I walk into her apartment. I am going to stay with her one more night considering I have my Vogue interview tomorrow! I am so excited! I will get to do stories with celebrities! Kim Kardashian, meet your new best friend!
“Yeah?” Khloe yells back from her room, “Come here! We have to prep you for your interview tomorrow!”
“Coming!” I can’t believe I am preparing for an interview for Vogue! This is so perfect!
I am glad that you consider us, ‘close friends’, but I cannot make any exceptions on behalf of your credit
line at Tiffany&Co. The 1,000 dollars should be mailed by the end of the month and, if not, we will have to take
further steps. As for the money that you get for identifying a criminal, we hope that you spend it at Tiffanys. There is
a new locket out next month- I will attach a pamphlet.
I could use a new locket but I must say that I am very disappointed in your distrust in me, Frank. I thought
we were starting to be better friends. Don’t you remember our night at Tiffanys when you convinced me to buy the
Well, I guess all men are the same. They help you buy something and then they forget all about you. I will
pay off my debt and then I will take my business elsewhere (aka: Jared).
“Hello, I am Sophie and I am interviewing to be on the magazine staff of Vogue!” I say to the receptionist sitting at a posh white desk with a Mac Home Computer blocking her face.
“Hmm,” she doesn’t look up from her computer.
“Excuse me? Karen?” I look down at her nametag
“Yes, Sophie. 3rd Floor is where they are holding the interviews.” Karen states, clearly annoyed. Whatever! I am going to be her boss someday! And she will be sooo jealous when I make best friends with all the celebrities that roam around in here. People will call me the girl who is best friends with all of the celebrities.
I am still giddy with excitement when I reach the third floor. I look around for a moment when I step out of the elevator. Do they have a mirror anywhere here? I need to take a quick check at my outfit before I proceed to the interview. I rummage in my black hobo Prada Bag for my mini pocket mirror from Tiffanys. Ah, got it. Hmm, my makeup looks perfect and this Gucci shirt was definitely worth the $400! Just as I was about to close the mirror I notice a small black string hanging off my new shirt. Really? Frantically, I search for my mini scissors to cut it off but of course; they are nowhere to be found. Great. Okay, it is not that bad! Maybe they won’t notice!
Who am I kidding? Of course they will notice! Ugh, I will just have to go in there and win them with my personality. Lets go!
I start following the signs labeled, Interviews. Finally, I reach the front desk and the receptionist looks happier than Karen did.
“Hi! I’m Sophie!” I excitedly say
“Are you interviewing?” She asks in a singsongy voice
“Actually, Your in luck. I think that Wilhelmina is ready for you. Follow me”
“Okay” I say in a sophisticated tone; I have to be very professional in this place if I want the job. That’s what Khloe and I were talking about last night. They probably wont hire me if I am too giddy or excited so I have to act like I would be doing a favor for them if they hired me.
“Wilhelmina, your 7am is here.” She points a finger at me and gestures me to sit while she gathers Wilhelmina from the conference room. When the receptionist leaves I relax a little and start to look around her office. Wow Wilhelmina must have an awesome decorator! This office is nothing short of Amazing! My heart stops for a minute when I see what is on her desk. She has the Prada Bear Keychain! That is 500 dollars and backordered for at least 12 months!
“Hello.” A voice says, interrupting my thoughts. I quickly turn around and stand up; extending my hand for a handshake, but she ignores it and walks to her desk.
“I am on a tight schedule. So lets get this interview rolling, shall we?”
“Sure!” I say. She asks me a few questions and I answer obediently, telling her my name, where I live and why I want the job.
“I don’t really have much more time. I have an photo shoot for next month’s issue with Eva Longoria.” She throws the name around the same way that she would say, ‘I am having lunch with my mom’.
“I love her!” I say without thinking, “I watch Desperate Housewives every Sunday night!” Oh God, Shut up Sophie! “Can you believe that Beth killed herself? I mean, who wants to give a kidney away that bad!” Sophie! Just stop talking you are making a fool of yourself! “I mean Gabrielle was just trying to help Paul and then Beth’s mom just poisens him. But I think it is mostly because he killed her sister.” By the time I finally shut up, Wilhelmina still has the same expression on her face.
“Hmm,” Wilhelmina hums and leans back in her chair clearly having more time than she did 3 minutes ago.
“I’m sorry! It’s just that I am a fan of Eva’s.” She stares back at me as I pick up my bag, heading for the door. Suddenly I realize that my Christian Loubiton shoes have a scuffmark, I look down at the wrong time and trip on the edge of her light colored oriental carpet.
Don’t look up, Don’t look up. I tell myself over and over again. I will just act like I meant to do it! Like I was acting! Truth is, I am really a sucky actor. In the 3rd grade they took my part out of the play because I couldn’t handle the part well. But I really think it was because my teacher was out to get me. Just because I pointed out that her shoes were 4.99 from walmart. Whatever.
“Sophie?” Wilhelmina asks.
I stand up and gather my things; “I’m sorry for wasting your time” I start
“Sophie, would you like to sit in on the photo shoot today? Consider it part of your interview”
I have attached the check for my debt. My life is going great at the moment. I just got the money for identifying my ex- fiancé as a criminal, and I am officially on the magazine staff of Vogue…Well, Kind of. I run errands and sometimes give Wilhelmina advice on next months issues but I have to establish myself before I can do any big projects. As for celebrities, I got to meet Eva Longoria as part of my interview! She was so nice! Anyway, I also have a new man in my life – actually you may have met him! He was in Tiffanys the other day picking up an engagement ring… His name is Stephan.
Bye for now!