Splash

January 1, 2011
By Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.


Summary:

Diana loves swimming and her little sister Lannie hates it. Their mom forces them both to exercise, but Diana doesn't mind. Lannie is not good at swimming, and a lot of the other swimmers don't like her. She wants to quit, but the girls mom is angry that Lannie has quit so many activities and she's to shy to participate in very much without her older sister there to support her. Plus their mom does not want to drive them to two different places. Diana is torn between her sister and swimming.
Her closest girlfriends are drifting into interests involving black, rock, and violent video games that Diana is not at all interested in.
Her close guy friends have slipped into the world of middle school dating.
She feels lost all of the sudden, but as winter break approaches, things suddenly get drastically worse.


Lauren H.

Splash


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This book has 10 comments.


jenhen said...
on Jul. 24 2011 at 10:04 am
some grammar and literary errors. look those over. i agree with rainbowwaffles comments. nice job though

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Feb. 25 2011 at 12:23 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

Thanks! Yeah, I hadn't noticed that...thanks! and I will check out your story sometime, I like realistic fiction (then again, i like most genres)

on Feb. 22 2011 at 12:37 pm
rainbowwaffles BRONZE, Stony Brook, New York
2 articles 0 photos 89 comments

I really like your book so far! I really like the conflict with the little sister.

I would just look over your work again, you forgot to add some commas before quotation marks and also repeatedly use "defiantly" instead of "definitely". I know a lot of people have trouble spelling the word (I do), but spellchecks might change it to "defiantly" if the incorrect spelling is close enough.

Anyway, great job! I'm looking forward to reading more. :) If you have the chance, could you please check out my realistic fiction novel, The Formation and leave your thoughts about it? Thank you!


Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 29 2011 at 9:05 am
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

Thank you! For some reason it took a long time to write. It was mostly just to indrotude you to her friends, who are fairly important characters.

on Jan. 27 2011 at 9:34 pm
Timekeeper DIAMOND, Cary, North Carolina
62 articles 0 photos 569 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over a garbage can and says 'That's Punk'?, and I say 'No that's trendy'!"- Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day

It continues to be written very honestly and realisticly, which is sure to earn you a large readership.

 

Of particular note in this chapter I liked the "clothing rules" as it seems to be a sort of universal thing that all teens (boys and girls) have but rarely discuss.

You have a natural talent for writing and you even managed to turn a shopping day into an interesting read!


on Jan. 27 2011 at 8:01 pm
Timekeeper DIAMOND, Cary, North Carolina
62 articles 0 photos 569 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over a garbage can and says 'That's Punk'?, and I say 'No that's trendy'!"- Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day

Awesome, the new chapter is up! I'll reply to this comment with my thoughts once I finish my homework and read it.

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 22 2011 at 10:36 am
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

haha thanks a lot!!! I'm glad you liked that sentance, I had kind of forgotten about it, honestly. It's enjoyable to write with Diana's personality. :)

I have some plans, but then, a lot of my ideas come up along the way. Thanks for commenting!!!!


on Jan. 20 2011 at 9:21 pm
Timekeeper DIAMOND, Cary, North Carolina
62 articles 0 photos 569 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over a garbage can and says 'That's Punk'?, and I say 'No that's trendy'!"- Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day

"I wasn’t sure how much I liked being an Otter, but no one really cared what animal your team was supposed to be anyway."

 

You hooked me in with that sentence. Self-awareness is the key to realistic fiction, and you've nailed it. The heart-to-heart between Diana and Lannie was perfect, too- it came across very naturally and authentic.

I'm looking forward to see where you take this-- it's got a lot of potential!


Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 20 2011 at 5:53 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

Thanks so much! Yeah, it has some issues, I supose I should edit, but I just haven't yet. :):):)

Lannie is one of the main conflicts, but there's another one too that is kind of introduced in chapter 2. (I'll finish it soon, then i'll post)

I think I need to put more of Diana (Idk if her name was mentioned in there, but that's what it is)'s personality into it. Yeah, I try to add detail, but idk, I'm still working on it.

Thank you for commenting!!!


on Jan. 16 2011 at 10:44 pm
lovelycheese GOLD, Cupertino, California
11 articles 0 photos 136 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you have something to do, then do it. You can't get wasted time back." ~Ben Carson.

Alright, here goes some constructive criticism. Just going to rattle off stuff as I read. 

Very first sentence - water is already blue. A bit redundant. (Sorry, being picky). From "8 free style laps" it should be "eight freestyle laps". 

There are some little details that I think aren't important to the story. For example: The part about swerving to avoid the kid in front of the main character, is not necessary unless it has some kind of significance later on in the novel. And those other tiny details, drying up legs, grabbing the towel to wrap around for a minute... All can be summed up. "I got out of the swimming pool, and dashed toward where my towel lay. 'God, it's cold...' I whispered to myself. With a wet swimsuit, sweatpants and a towel wrapped around myself, the cold Florida weather (winter?) still bit through to the skin." Something like that. 

Write out the numbers under one hundred. 

I like the character development of Lannie. She's very real and relatable, how others give her those all too familiar looks. 

Try to show more, not tell. 

I also REALLY like the part where the big sister stands up for her little sister. You don't see a lot of that these days. And how Lannie can't stand up for herself, just nod mutely while the wannabe girl keeps attacking? Love it. It's already introducing a conflict, and automatically hooks in the reader. That wannabe got what she deserved. 

Lannie's reaction was also intriguing, though avoid using too many exclamation marks. One is adequate. 

A couple of minor grammar mistakes, but that's all. I like where this story is going A LOT. This story establishes a strong, building relationship between sister and sister, not boyfriend and girlfriend we see too much of these days. Well-written. Great. Awesome. 

POST MORE. I'll be looking forward to reading more. 





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