Secrets

I sit staring at my math book waiting for it to tell me the answers. I tap my pencil on my head hoping it will help me focus. It doesn’t. “Parker! Dinner’s ready!” I get up, defeated by the Pythagorean theorem to try to enjoy food. As I stumble down to the kitchen, I see Marcus setting the table.

“Hey hun, how was school?”

“Fine,” I mumble, avoiding eye contact. He and my mom always try to act like everything is normal. We all know it’s not. My phone buzzes, begging for attention so I look at it even though there are no phones at the dinner table. It's Halie. “Hey, love!” My mood gets better immediately. “Hi! What’s up?”

“Are you free this weekend? I wanna sleep over at your place for the first time in forever.”

I hesitate and glance up at my mom and Marcus. “I wish,” I say lowering my voice. “Mom has a business trip.”

“Again?”

“Ya. We can do your place though.”

“Great. See you tomorrow!”

I hang up the phone feeling a bit guilty. My mom doesn’t have a business trip and even if she did, she would say Marcus could take care of us. I’ll never admit that to any of my friends. None of them need to know about Marcus. I wish I didn’t.

That night I lay in bed, scrolling through Instagram when I hear a soft knock on my door. My mom comes in without waiting for an answer. “Hi, sweetie. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I reply as I turn my back to her.

“Why don’t your friends come over anymore?”

“I don’t know. I guess they just like their houses better.” Every time I say this my mom knows it’s not the truth. She knows why. For some dumb reason, she always tries to get me to say it. “Okay. Um. Well. Let them know they’re welcome anytime.” I nod and finally, she leaves me alone as the tears start to pour out. My eyes become blurry and my breath speeds up as the vision of my phone slowly drifts away. When will she understand this is hard for me? I don’t think she ever will.

The next morning I wake up at 11:00 AM as my phone has a seizure on my bedside table. Thirteen texts from Halie. They’re all asking about what time I’ll be there and if it's ok if Brooke and Lila come. I text back half asleep saying, of course, it’s fine and I’ll tell her when I’m on my way. I place my phone down and try to fall back asleep but I’m interrupted by Marcus’ elephant steps. I hear my mom whining to him at the top of the stairs. “Just ask. It won’t hurt.”

“She doesn’t want to come. We both know that. Just leave her alone.” This is the only thing I like about Marcus; he knows I don’t like him and even if he pretends our family life is normal, he accepts that it's not. They go back in forth for 5 more minutes until my mom gives up.

Once the front door is closed and I’m sure Marcus is gone, I creep downstairs for breakfast. My mom gives me a weak smile. I ask timidly, “Hey, can I have some breakfast?”

“Of course. What do you want?” I want Starbucks and I know if I say that then she’ll go get it for me. I don’t ask because I can see how tired she is. I’ll just make her life easier. “Banana pancakes.” Her favorite. Her smile grows and I feel happy that for once it’s because of me. “Coming right up.”

After pancakes, I tell her I’m going to walk to Halie’s. “Are you sure you don’t want a ride?”

“Yup. Exercise is good for you.” She lets out a forced laugh. “Okay. Text me later!” I give her a thumbs up as the door closes and I break out into a half walk, half run. Marcus might be coming back soon and I’m not in the mood for small talk. As my sleeping bag weighs me down and fall’s crisp air bites my lungs, I see his blue car come down the street, slowing to a stop. “Hey, Park!” I just smile. That’s my dad's nickname for me. Not his. “Hi.”

“Going somewhere?”

“Ya. A friends house.”

“Need a ride?”

“No. Thanks,” I say shuffling away as Halie’s name pops up on my screen. Bad timing. I start juggling my stuff around trying to answer the call when I hear a door slam. Marcus makes his way over to help me. No, no, no. My phone keeps ringing against my prayers that it stops. My phone slips out of my hand, raising my heartbeat as Marcus snatches it out of the air and in one fluid motion answers the call. “Hello?” His deep voice says. I can feel the awkwardness through the phone. “Uhhh hi. Where’s Parker?”

“Right here. She just had a bit of trouble getting to the phone.”

“Okay. Who is this by the way?” Well, shoot.

“I’m her. Uh. Her.” His eyes look around for an answer knowing better than to say stepdad. That isn’t technically true. Yet. She gets bored waiting for the end of a sentence so she just hangs up. I grab my phone and shuffle away without another wor

Once I’m at Halie's there's an awkwardness lingering in the air that everyone tries to ignore. “Let’s do makeovers,” Brooke suggests.

“Oh my god, yes”

“I brought face masks.”  We all laugh and start to apply them. “So Parker. Who was the guy on your phone?” My heart stops and my face flushes red. Suddenly I forget how to speak and no words come out of my mouth. I try to clear my throat but I’m stuck just staring at myself in the mirror like an idiot. I feel someone touch my arm. “P? Are you ok? Who was the guy on your phone?” Halie doesn’t know what she’s asking so she’s not sure what to do when I break down in tears. “O.M.G. Are you okay?!” She guides me towards the rug where Brooke and Lila stare, dumbfounded.

“He’s my mom's boyfriend.” I whisper.

“What?” they all say in unison.

“Yeah. My parents split up and he lives with us. That's the real reason we can never hang out at my house.”

“I’m so sorry babe,” Lila says hugging me. No one says anything and I could stop right now. They wouldn’t pry. But the rest of the truth comes out like word vomit.

“She cheated.” I’m surprised their eyes don’t fly out of their heads. “She cheated on my dad with Marcus and he found out. They split up and my mom won custody. So now I have to live with him and my mom acting like everything's fine. Nothing is fine.” I hug my stomach because now they know my only secret. I feel bad for ruining their moods with my problems so I let out a small laugh and wipe my eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“It’s not your problem. It’s mine.”

“Oh honey no, we’re best friends. We tell each other everything.”

“We are here to help.” Says Brooke shaking me. “Got it?!” We all laugh as I nod.

“Thanks, guys.”

“Anytime.”

The next morning my mom insists on picking me up and since now my friends know the truth, I let her. I hug all my friends goodbye and see that thankfully, my mom is in the car alone. She doesn’t say anything when I get in the car. She just smiles and drives away in the opposite direction of our house. “Where are we going?”

“On a drive. We need to spend some time together.” I nod and lean back hesitantly. Since we’re just sitting in silence I decide to bring up the reason I’m assuming she’s doing this. “How’s Marcus?”

“Good. Explain something to me; why don’t you like him?”

“Well, let’s think. He’s the reason you and dad aren’t together. He acts like he’s my dad when he’s not. And what pisses me off even more, is that no one asked how I feet about all of this!” I slump back into my seat and when I glance into the mirror, I see how shocked she is. Did you really think this didn’t affect me? “I’m so sorry. I never realized. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because. You’re happy. And why would you care anyway? You didn’t care when you asked him to move in and made dad to move out.” I know this hurts her but I can’t even find it in my heart to care. She never does. She completes our drive by turning onto our street after what feels like an eternity of silence.

“Promise me something. No more secrets. I’ll think about you more when it comes to Marcus. I’m just sad you waited so long to tell me.”

“Don’t worry. No more secrets.” I assure her as we pull into the driveway. Marcus is standing there turning on the sprinklers. He smiles and waves and I genuinely smile and wave back. “How was the sleepover?”

“Really, really good.” And with that, I walk into our house.