My brother and I have discovered the most incredible thing ever! A fencing club lies just a few blocks away from my new high school and a shorter distance from Parker's middle school. We have always wanted to learn to fence, it seems like a fun way to get out frustration without doing any damage. We start fencing in two weeks.

Okay, we were wrong about fencing being easy. It is definitely a challenge, but I accept it! I found a hobby to help me get out of my head for a while. I don't want something easy, so this is perfect for me. Although, I'm not going to lie, the instructor is a creep. I found out on day one of fencing that I was a natural. I was just glad that Parker and I had something to do together.

     In unrelated news, I made my first two friends, that aren't my brother. Their names are Sarah and Raymond. We started hanging out at lunch. Personally, I just think they felt sorry for the lonely new girl. Either way, I've never had anyone nicer to hang out with.

Sarah and Ray invited me to hang with them as they did their annual Disney movie marathon to kick-off December. I've never seen a Disney movie before, so at first I didn't understand what the big deal was, but now I know. I've never loved movies so much in my life! And since it was late by the time we got to the tenth movie, they invited me back again tomorrow. It's a good thing that's it's a weekend.

      We started off the movie marathon with "The Lion King" movies. I never expected so many sequels for a movie where lions talk, but they were great! I've been missing out on so many cute movies.

     Later on we started getting hungry (as humans normally do) and got pizza. Sarah told me that tomorrow she would need my help baking. I've never baked anything before, but I'm willing to try practically anything.

Do you remember being a young child, getting tucked in bed by your mommy and daddy with a bedtime story and kiss on the forehead? Well here's a new story instead of Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella. It goes a little something like this:

     Once upon a time, there once were two young peasant children; a girl and a boy. They grew up alone, but together. As they grew older, they lived with many other peasant families because pity had been taken upon them. One day, a kind king and queen had taken them in and treated them like royalty. The two peasant children had always known how to defend themselves, but this time they were trained in the way of the knights. Both the girl and boy had become fearless and their broken hearts were now fixed and stronger than ever. But alas, they knew their stay would be over someday and they grieved the dreaded day to come. No matter what it took, they will someday find their happily ever after.

I met up with Sarah and Ray at the lockers before school started that day. In complete honesty, I'm really enjoying the whole school thing. While being with other families, I never really got to go to regular school. Most of the families Parker and I were with homeschooled their other kids. I found out I'm not bad with numbers and when it comes to English, I'm not horrible at it.

     The three of us have a sort of routine. Every day we meet by the gym or the lockers, it really depends on how big the crowd is. For break and lunch we usually go to the cafeteria and sit outside it. It doesn't really matter where we go, we never stay there for long anyway. After school, we all walk over to the fencing club, even though they don't take lessons.

     Everyday we have a different topic to talk about, although we almost never talk about it. Today's topic was about pandas. Normally what happens is that someone starts off my mentioning the topic when we don't know what to say. After that, we go around describing the topic in one word. We normally have a certain type of thing, like this month is animal month, or next month is about fruit. It's silly, but can be pretty fun at times.

Parker and I have been here for a month now. This is the longest we have ever been with a family before. We even got to go to a real school. Parker was going to a private school for gifted children and I was going to a really nice high school. But here's the thing; I'm still depressed. I don't get why though. This family is absolutely wonderful and I've never been happier, but this news just broke me.

     "How would you children like to be part of the family permanently?" dad asked us.

    Parker turned to me waiting for my answer, but I just couldn't speak. I ran as fast as I could to get down to the basement. As soon as I got down there, I left every emotion I had go. You see, I'm a bomb that's just going to explode. No matter what, I will NEVER be able to keep it together and I'm done trying.

Today I found out my father signed the abandonment papers, a court date was made, and we would be in a real family again. I don't think I can handle this so I'm going to make a decision now that can't hurt anyone but me; I'm not going to speak again. I'm sick of trying to explain what's wrong, who's hurt me, and how long ago. From now on, Parker and I are selectively mute together. I just hope that Sarah and Ray will understand.

I've been sitting here since my last entry. I've been ignoring calls and texts, I don't even look at anyone when they come to check on me. Escaping everything is harder than I thought. Everyday Parker would come down and bring me something, whether it was food, or a movie to watch, but this time was different. I felt my brother sit back down next to me.
"I miss you."
Shocked, I looked up and faced my brother. Tears ran down both our cheeks.

     "Y-you spoke."

    "And so did you." He pulled me into a warm hug, the type that you can only get from someone special. He stood up and held out his hand. "Come on, your Christmas presents are waiting for you under the tree."

Parker and I started therapy a week ago. It's been helping a lot. I can cope with my issues and I've been able to let go of some of my past. Someday soon, I will even be able to talk to Parker about what happened with our birth mom and dad.

  He told me that I was the first person he spoke to. I've never been more proud of anything in my life, than him. He's been through a lot too, especially at a young age. He's so grown up now. Someday soon, I'm sure he's going to be going on dates and hanging out with friends. I just can't wait to see the day he's going to have a family of his own because I just know he's going to make sure his family has everything and he won't be like the "father" we had.

Today is the day my dearest brother wished to know about the fateful day that had led up to where we are. Today is the day I have to be ready to share my story.

     I was only six when it all happened. Parker was three. I remember the day all too well. My brother and I were in the car with her when it happened. It was in the evening and all three of us were singing along to the Goo Goo Dolls song, "Iris." Everything happened so suddenly. The next thing I knew, there were bright, flashing lights and Parker and I were in the hospital. The doctors told us they did all that they could to save her, but she didn't make it.

     I remember standing there and looking down at her casket as the lowered it into the ground. That day, Daddy started drinking and he wasn't the same. One day when Parker was sick, he lost it. He hit us and locked us both in the hall closet. We didn't come out until the next day when Daddy's friend came over. While Parker was sleeping, Daddy's friend, Harvey Banks, came around. He and Daddy both came home around midnight, drunk. A week later, he left us alone in an empty alley and never came back.

Parker and I both had friends over and since we don't fight no matter what, Parker and his friends came up with a solution; we can pick out a couple movies everyone can watch, then hang at the pool for a while. I'm glad that all six of us agree because it was a lot of fun.

     The fun began when we started watching a movie called "Clueless." Rather than enjoying it, we all enjoyed making fun of it. No matter how terrible it was, we found a way to laugh, especially when Parker's friend, Ryan, laughed so hard that soda came out of his nose. We later researched why that happened, mostly because we were curious and partly because Parker's other friend, Jake, wanted to try it.

      When we finally decided to hang by the pool, we had a cannonball contest. Right  in the middle of it, it started pouring rain. We still continued swimming, even played water polo, until thunder and lightning came.

     We went inside the guest house to find Alice brought some of her friends over and wanted to join us. Alice then put on some of her Disney VHS tapes on and taught us how to make cupcakes. She is an excellent baker for an eight year old. We ended up having everyone stay until midnight, except for Alice and her friends. Im really glad that I can have a family and friends who are so incredibly wonderful. It was nice to be able to relax for once.

I went to school today to find almost everyone talking about the events that happened over the weekend. But somehow, a lot of the conversations were about my weekend with Sarah, Ray, Parker, and his friends.

     "So I heard you had a party and didn't invite me! How dare you?" Somehow, the most popular girl in my class finally knew I existed and it was because of an alleged "party." I made no reaction and witnessed Courtney storm off, high heels and all. Later in the day, I was approached by other kids, but that didn't bother me until they took it too far.

     At lunch, two jock-type guys were dragging someone around with them. That's normal, but today they had my brother. Because of how small Parker is, he was able to shake them off and run over to me.

     "Someone signed me out of school early. They said it was a family emergency and someone came to get me. I figured it was either you,  or it was Colton. I went out the gate and suddenly, those two guys grabbed me and brought me here." Parker started to cry.

     "I'm going to sign out early and we'll go home."

     After I signed out, Parker and I walked over to the fencing club, just like every other day.

Because of the events that had occurred the last time I've written, Parker and I took some time off school and did our studying at home. If it weren't for my new friends, I would ask to be homeschooled. I don't mind it much and I can have some time to spend with our new Mom, Dad, and sister.

     Sarah and Ray come to the fencing club every day to see me and Parker. They're even starting to pick some things up as the watch. Parker and I have a tournament coming up soon and talent scouts are observing us for scholarships. On the weekends, my friends come over and help me and Parker practice, and I must say, they've gotten better and better with each practice session.

     What baffles me is how little time a person really has on this earth. Although things are alright here, Peter, mine and Parker's "father" called. He said he was in the hospital, has been there for weeks, and needed a blood transfusion and that Parker and I  would be the only suitable donors. But here's the problem; he's a liar.

     I remember seeing mom holding Parker in the hospital. She told me everything was going to be okay, but Parker would have to stay in the hospital for a while. She said that his blood levels weren't good enough to sustain him like a normal kid's, but everything would be okay.

     I saw "dad" the day before. He showed up at the fencing club and he was fine. He walked up to me and said he missed us and wants us back. When our instruct showed up, he asked me if I knew who he was. I looked my pitiful father in the eyes and told him no. I don't want him back in our lives. He must've been drunk when he called, either that, or he's insane (but I already knew that).

I've decided to write a story. It's a true story, but I'm afraid that I'm not a very good writer. Anyway, here it goes:

There was once a boy called, Ryan Daniels, who hailed from the land of Denver, Colorado and was no older than thirteen. He had not a friend in the world, other than ones he had acquired from the Internet. What many call a personality disorder, I call unique. Living inside the brain of the dear Ryan Daniels, lived another boy, by the name of Ben Jameson. You see, both boys were so full of life, but they had also been full of pain.

Ryan/Ben had shared everything from emotions, to memories, and crushes. Many memories they had together were of loneliness, abuse, and the feeling of being hated. I had the honor of meeting him in the pit of depression. We spoke everyday. We talked about depression, happiness, what we want to accomplish in life as we grow older, but most importantly, they told me I was all they had.

Their last days were frightful for the three of us. I was left in silence for two long and frustrating weeks only to find they had run away. When they returned, I couldn't help but to be overjoyed, yet worried, because they had gone back to a broken family, full of pain, misery, and abuse. All the two boys wanted was love and acceptance. But it was never to be.

Their lives were short, but tragic and lonely. We spoke once after they returned and it was the last anyone would every hear  from them again until  they made the newspaper. The headline read, "LOCAL BOY WITH DEMENTIA DIES" But they have it wrong. They weren't demented, there was just two of them in one body. Neither one could handle life anymore and it was taken away.
     The end.

I hope it gets published someday. They were my best friends. They weren't stupid, or disabled, they were just broken Angels who needed to go home. This is the one year anniversary of their death.

Most days I'm fine, other days I just can't handle. Today is an alright day though. Rain is pouring down outside, cascading down open umbrellas, sweeping across the ground, and dancing through the air. It's days like this that make me smile and bring out the artist hiding within me. Today is the type of day where I laugh, take a photograph, the type of day where I paint and draw, write stories and poems I'll never share, but most of all, the day I use my voice and sing. I'm not very good at any of these, but it makes me happy and I do it anyway.

I woke up to the sound of thunder. It was 3:34 a.m. The room was consumed in darkness. It was beautiful.

They say that life is a gift, wrapped up in shiny paper and tied with a metallic bow. But not every gift is wrapped up beautifully. Mine is still in the process of being wrapped. My life is in the stage where it's about to be wrapped perfectly but the bow is too small or too large, the gift is growing bigger with each passing day of life. In the stage where it will be beautiful someday soon, but the paper was torn. I've always found the most beautiful gifts to be the ones that aren't wrapped perfectly, where tape is attempting to cover spots that had been torn. You see, the most beautiful things aren't the ones that look that way. I know that God is not done with me and my gift will be more beautiful than I have ever seen. I like to think that the same goes for other people, whether they have it better or worse than I.

I really should get better about writing in my journal, but it's just so much work to write every day. Some times there's just nothing to write about. Other times, there's not enough hours in the day. Since I've started writing, I have written around 4,520 words. I've kept track just for my own personal amusement. But since I continue writing after my statement, I will have written more. I feel like I only have enough pages for a year, which is just not enough, however, there's not much I can do except continue to write until I haven't anything left to write on at all. When that happens, I'll start all over from the beginning because I will have a new beginning to write about. 4,601 words. 4,602. 4,603. And so it continues. Unless you count the picture I put in last month, because they say that a picture is worth a thousand words, then it is more. 

Today is a beautiful day to mope around in pjs and eat hot pockets while watching Disney movies with Sarah and Ray. Today is a great day to do absolutely nothing. 4,667 words.

My story was published in a teen essay and short story magazine because my English teacher, Mr. Conway. He says I've done well in his class and thinks that my story was well thought out. He also said I have a talent for writing. The school is even putting it out on display in the main office. I hope the two boys are happy their story is finally being told. This is a great way to end the school year.

Today the entire family went to New York City. I like to consider us as a family, even though this is probably temporary. The city is absolutely incredible.

Mom and Dad threw a big party today. Practically the entire city came! Sarah, Ray, Parker, his friends, and I watched Alice and her friends while the adults barbecued. Children were splashing in the pool, adults speaking of political issues, pets running around either begging or fetching things for both children and adults. Fireworks went off around 9, everyone gathered around a small fire to watch and witness yet another celebration, oblivious to what they would go back to the next day and carefree, just simply enjoying what life has for them now.

Who knew, except God Himself, that I would be here smiling 4,880 words later with a family and a newly changed heart. I like to think of how many infinities there are, how some things are just inevitable, and that somewhere, there is a little girl and a little boy looking outside a large glass window, unaware of their future trials, tribulations, and joy that will come out of it. I see things differently than others, I don't see outward appearance, but rather what's inside. When one person sees as a scar, I see it as a memory of what is never to be again. I've been told that it is a beautiful thing.

I was once asked, "What makes a hero, a hero?" However, at the time, I had no idea, but now I have an answer.
     The Hero:
A hero is not defined by his super-human abilities, nor strength. A hero is not someone with a cool underground lair, someone who's rich, or someone who has cool gadgets. The hero is defined by his heart, his willingness to defy society and reach out for those who are not of the same status as he. A hero's heart is made of the purest of gold, a spirit that shows love for his fellow brethren, no matter their circumstances. A hero is someone like my brother, someone like my friends, or new parents. A hero could be you, or even me. My hero helps me keep it all together when I feel like crashing, when I am too far gone, but finds a way to bring me back. The hero, the savior, whatever you want to call it, is never seen doing good, nor does it for a reward. The hero is an angel  the hero does not know what he is.

Words are powerful beyond measure. There are beautiful words, hideous words, words that are unspoken, but known to all, and words that should never be said. Words can make or break a spirit. We think we are defined by words, which isn't the case. We define the words. I've been called horrible things, I've been called great things, but why is it that the ugly things that hurt the most stick with us for what feels like eternity? This started off as a way for me to keep busy, but ended up as something great. I can say my deepest thoughts, share my insight on life, and be me.

Words are a terrible wonder. Even the words which remain unspoken seem to tear apart at the heart. Words are a dangerous thing in the mouth of one who abuses the power they hold. What one believes as a joke, the other hears it as a knife in the back. One can out their heart and soul into words and create a gorgeous piece of art. Yet, one can also speak evil and death into words and create misery. Words are a terrible and beautiful power. 5,418 words. Many are the same, but each one holds power and a great significance of life and death. What will yours accomplish? Words: the great and terrible beauty. 5,452

Oliver Wendall Holmes once said, “A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to it's old dimensions” 

What Holmes was saying is that any change that can occur during a lifetime can affect them forever. The littlest thing, whether good or bad, changes a person. The loss of a loved one causes pain that can be numbed, but never fully gone. The sweetest compliment from a stranger makes one happy. The sight of a flower in bloom, or a sunset changes your heart and emotion. It's something that can never be forgotten. Experiencing a first of anything will always be memorable.

Thousands of words, thousands of emotions. Each one holds the secret of my insanity. Is my insanity truly insane? Am I possibly the only one to see the world from a different perspective? Is there really such thing as insanity? I've found that there is no impossibility, so there mustn't be insanity either. Millions of people are similar, but each one is different. Since that is the case, no one can truly say what is normal, crazy, and dare I say, insane

Many say that in a perfect world, they would have tons of money, or eat as much chocolate as they want and never gain any weight. The truth is; in a perfect world no one would care about your appearance, the clothes you wear, the things you have, or even money. There will never be a time on earth for that, that's what Heaven is for. The place my birth mom is. The place where unborn children are, the home to angels, a resting place for lost is not as far as one may think. Death is inevitable and sudden. It comes unseen like the wind in the middle of the night.

Today is the birthday of  Alice. She's having a huge party with a lot of tiny guests in costume and even "real" Disney princesses. Which means, we're at Disney World. Sarah and Ray got to come too, which is great! Not only are we spending time as if we all were a real family, but we also get to chill with Mickey Mouse.  I've been told that later there would even be a Mad Hatter tea party.

Two years ago, I would never have looked around and thought' "Wow, what a beautiful world this is." Perspective changes and life has to happen. My life perspective wouldn't have changed if it weren't for Alice. I love watching her with big, bright eyes looking at everything with curiosity and wonder. Behind every curious set of eyes is a dreamer, and she definitely has the spirit.

One year ago today, Parker and I came to this new family. Today, I am happy to say, Parker and I are officially part of the Turner family. I was also asked out on my first date with my first crush. We went out for milkshakes at Ruby's Diner then we saw the new Alice in Wonderland movie. Since it was in the afternoon, he came over to our house. He said he wanted to meet my new parents. Okay so he was sweet and polite! He's a keeper!

  This is the last page of this journal. It's been a crazy life full of pain, happiness, sadness, new adventures, new friends, and a new forever family. I'm just going to try to end this in the best way possible.

  You see, people like Parker and I are overlooked, rejected, humiliated, even bullied without anyone thinking twice. Is it because we're different? Because we don't have what they have? They can't be jealous of us. Everyone sees people how they want to. But inside, we're all the same inside, while also being different. Someday, we're going to be okay and until then, nothing is going to break me down again because my sanity has been found. I may be different, overdramatic, and a bit of a dork, but I am a warrior and I am standing strong.

And to end this off the right way, I'll leave you with this quote from ''The Breakfast Club;''

"You see us how as you want to see us- in the simplest terms, and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question?"

    
          Sincerely yours,

         Harper Elizabeth Turner