I Love You | Teen Ink

I Love You

April 16, 2014
By Rosetyler, York, Pennsylvania
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Rosetyler, York, Pennsylvania
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Hey, Bastian. Let me start out with, I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you. I found out today that I have some disease that I don’t know how to say or spell, and the doctors said I had exactly 30 days to live. I’m going to write this diary for you to explaining what happened day by day in my last month of life, so you’ll never forget what we did and maybe, when you’re ready, you can publish this. That’s always been my secret dream, writing and publishing a book of my own.

Today, when I woke up, I was really sick. I kept on throwing up and I felt really dizzy. When you called me, I had just thrown up for the fifth time, and it took everything I had not to show you I was sick. I apologised for cancelling our date, the grand opening of the new pizza shop. I told you to go with friends, because I had a doctor’s appointment I had completely forgotten about. It wasn’t a doctor’s appointment, my mom drove me to the hospital. They checked on me, and drew blood, and found the disease. They said it was viral and it didn't have a cure, that it’s been in my body my whole life and just hadn’t been active. The only other people that know right now are my mom and Nana. They say to live the rest of my life to the fullest. the doctors were able to give me medicine to stop the vomiting. When I called you, I was in tears. I told you my Uncle died, and that was why I was crying. You said you would come over, but I told you it was late. I said I could make up the missed date with a super special surprize date the next day.









I love you.

I wake up. I know what’s going to happen as soon as you see me. I brace myself for this. I decide to wear something super cute, so maybe you wouldn’t be as mad. I contemplate for a whole half hour what to wear. I decide to go with my skinny jeans, boots, and low rise orange top. You said you liked that top. As I was straightening my hair, my mom comes in.
“How’s it going?” She asks.
“It’s okay, I guess. I’m worried he’ll know something’s up.”
“Why can’t you tell him?”
“I don’t know how, and I would never hurt him like that.”
“I understand. Let me help you.”
I let my mom finish my hair, and she even curls a little bit on the top to add extra volume. After that, we go together down to the kitchen, where your surprize is. I take the tickets, and put them in an envelope. I put it in a bag, then in a box, then in a bigger bag. I knew you would find it funny. When you drive up, I rush to the door and run to you. I know you would just think it was because of my ‘uncle,’ but it was really the first time I had seen you since I found out. I let a few tears fall, and you hold me gently, kissing my head and cooing calmy. I only then realize how tall you are. I think about this, and how stupid I was not to notice something like that earlier. We go inside, where my mom says I should wash up quick. I go to the bathroom and quick re-apply my makeup. I don’t know what you and my mom do while I’m gone, but you don’t seem upset or puzzled. I give you the bag without any words.
“What’s this?” You ask.
“Your super surprize date.” I respond.
“In a bag?” You ask, suspicious
“Just open it already!” I can feel the excitement rising.
You open the bag and take out the box. then, very slowly, you open the box, and find the smaller bag. the look on your face was absolutely priceless after you open the bag. You seemed relieved that it was the last thing to open, wondering what it was, and wondering what was with the bags and boxes. As you rip open the envelope and look inside, I run and hug you super tight.
“Surprize!” I squeel.
“These are V.I.P tickets to the Hershey Bears game. How did you get them? When?” you hug me so tight and lift me of the ground, then you kiss my blonde hair.
“You’re incredible.”
“I know,” I reply, “But it wasn’t just me, mom got the tickets.”
“It was her idea.” Mom points out. You say you don’t care whose idea it was, but it was just amazing.





*
*
*
I don’t remember much of the hockey game, just that you were so happy the entire time. After we get to my house, you say goodnight and leave. I go upstairs and go to bed. I had an amazing night’s sleep that night.









I love you.

I didn’t see you today, so I don’t know what to write. It was really boring, I mostly just watched TV. My Nana came to visit, and we talked.









I love you.

Today, I asked you if you wanted to see the new movie, Inception. you said yes, and we decided we would go to the pizza shop we never went to. The movie was so scary! I had to close my eyes a few times, and hold your hand. your hand is very warm, I wish that hand would hold mine as I die. But that’s impossible. You’ll never know what was happening to me until you read this.

I realize these entries are getting short, but It’s getting hard to focus. I get dizzy at times, and my vision goes blurry so I can’t see what I’m Writing. It’s going to be OK though, don’t worry. Hold on, by the time you read this, I’ll be dead! Hahaha! I actually laughed out loud while writing this. I can’t believe I just made a joke about my death!









I love you.

Today, I decided to go on a walk alone. I wandered around my neighborhood, noticing things I hadn’t before. It was nice, the birds singing, the cars rarely passing by. I walked in the woods, where I may or may not have fallen over a couple of branches on my walk. I found a small stream with an amazing sight. there was a fox, drinking from the stream. I decided right there, that I would go to the stream every day until I died.









I love you

I went back to the stream, early in the morning. I was smart and brought a snack so I could stay for a while. My phone was with me, so later on after the sun was higher in the sky, I called you.
“Hey.” You answered.
“Want to come over?” I asked
“Sure. Just to your house, or are we going to do something special?”
“Actually, make sure you wear something that can get a little dirty. I want to show you something.”
“Okay, but that sounds a little creepy”
“Oh, just come over!”
I hung up fast so you wouldn’t hear the sob I had tried to choke down. I got up, and walked home so I would be fresh and clean when you came over. Knowing you would love the stream, I packed a picnic lunch. While I was packing, mom came in.
“Whatcha up to?” she asked quizzically.
“Bastian and I are going on a picnic. I just called him.”
Mom could see I was having trouble with the basket, so she helped me finish. I made tuna salad sandwiches, your favorite, for both of us. I grabbed some chips, crackers, water bottles, and pretzels to go with.

When you got here, I had just finished making the picnic basket look perfect. You came in with your old Penn State sweatshirt, jeans, and old Nike sneakers. Perfect. I simply put on my jeans, pink top, and my moccasins. I remembered when your hair was short when we first met, and I like how it’s flippy and longer now. There, I realised how much lighter your hair has gotten. It used to be dark brown, but now, in the summer, it has gotten a few highlights. I decided not to tell you where we were going.
“So, what did you want to show me?” you seemed curious enough that I could play around a little.
“You’ll see,” I say as I pick up the basket, “We’re going on a picnic. Don’t ask where, because it’s a surprise.”
“Fine, I would love to see this surprise picnic area”
“Well you’re going to have to walk for it.” I responded, heading out the door.
You followed close behind me, not saying anything. I started to head in the forest when you finally talked.
“So this is why I’m wearing old clothing.”
“Yup,” I responded. “It’s a little farther now”
A couple of times, one of us almost fell, but the other was there. We finally made it to the stream, and I put my blanket down on the green grassy area. You seemed so astonished, you didn’t say anything, just looked around, putting your hands in the ice cold water.
“Isn’t it awesome? I found it the other day while I was exploring the woods.” i start rambling on about the fox while I take out the food. You sit next to me, holding my hand. We ate, talked, and laughed, then eventually, we just layed back, silent for a few hours.





*
*
*

By about dusk, we decide to go back. We pack up, say goodbye to the stream, and head home. When we got home, mom had made dinner, so we decided to eat. Spaghetti at it’s finest. When we were done, we just watched old movies the rest of the night. At the end of our second movie, you started talking.
“My mom misses you,” You started, “She said you should have girls’ night on saturday. I told her I would talk to you about it, see if you were up to it.”
“I would love to!” I exclaimed.
I thought maybe, just maybe I could tell her. That it wouldn’t be so hard on you to have a person close like your mom to explain. But i know you, and you would only be furious with her for not doing anything about it, even though there is nothing that anyone could do. I decided I would keep it my secret. All of those thoughts passed through my mind before you said your next suggestion.
“You two should go shopping, she loves that. you haven’t been to the mall in a while, have you?”
I glared at you, for you know I hate shopping with a passion.
“I suppose, since she enjoys it so much, i’ll endure it for a night. Maybe you could go out with my mom.”
You laughed at this idea.
“Your mom and I have nothing in common.”
“You both love me. Isn’t that something?” I wonder. You kiss my head.
“That’s everything”
“How about a cooking class? You both like cooking, why not one of them? I’ll ask her now. Mom!”
Mom comes in curious. “Can I help you?”
“Do you want to do a cooking class with Bastian? I’m going to the mall with Mrs. Smith soon, so you two should do something together on the same night.”
“I would love to!” Mom beamed
“Sounds like fun,” you said “It would be cool getting tips from a pro like you, Mrs. J.” Mom seemed really happy.
“I’ll look for the closest open class.”
“Thanks!” You and I both said at the same time. We ended up choosing to go that Saturday, You and mom at the cooking class, and Me and your mom at the mall.









I love you.

I really didn’t do anything interesting again today. Maybe this entry should talk a little about what i’m thinking and feeling. I really don’t feel anything. I know what’s going to happen, and I guess the real blow hasn’t come yet. I guess it will eventually. I mean, I’m dying as I write this, and I don’t feel upset. I’m not agonizing, or counting down the days. I am, however, appreciating the little things now. The sounds, smells, feelings. Your warm, welcome smile, the way your hand closes around mine. The way your hair layers itself in the morning. I’ve taken these things for granted, and the news of my upcoming death has only opened my eyes to new things. New opportunities. That’s all I’m going to write today, I don’t want this to be super sad.









I love you.

Again, I didn’t do much. Since It’s Friday, I went through My closet and got rid of any clothes that doesn't fit me. I know when your mom goes on a shopping trip, she goes on a shopping trip. I will have at least ten different outfits by the end of tomorrow night, so I thought i would make some room for them. I got rid of a bunch of old t-shirts and shorts. I figure, why not wear good clothes my last month of life? Don’t worry, the clothes I have when I leave I want Maria to have. Even though shes 14, she'll grow into them. Show this to my mom when you want to come get them. If you want to keep something in my room, go ahead. You can stay in my room all you want. Sleep in it. Mom will understand. Look through my photo albums. Be happy.

I just found the first thing you gave me. The daisy was in my scrapbook, and I finally finished gluing it on the page.










I love you.

I don't know what to do. Before the girls' night, I went to the hospital to be checked on. They said my time's coming to an end, that the virus is acting much much quicker than expected. I don't know how many more diary entries I will be able to put in now. I think when I knew the exact day I was going to die, I was more calm. Now, I don't know if i'll wake up tomorrow. I didn't cancel the night with your mom, and I got some pretty cool stuff. As we were shopping, I could tell, she knew something was different. She kept on trying to bring it up, but I just pointed to a sale sign and she ran over, squealing like a baby. she is the funniest person when it comes to shopping. It's like every time she sees a dollar sign, she turns into Elle Woods!









I love you (and your mom)

The doctors said it was my last day. I came straight home to write this. I really want to see you. Before I go to the hospital, I'm going to stop by and say I'm going to Baltimore or something. I need some excuse of why I'm saying goodbye. I love you. Don't ever forget me. Please.








Goodbye, Sebastian.








-Katsa

Where are you? You were so beautiful, sleeping in your bed. Wake up please. Your dasies on your lap with this book are so beautiful.

Please come back. Your bed is so empty and cold, and the photos are so dull and dead without your bright eyes here to lift me up.

I hate you! Why did you have to leave me?! You Didn't tell me! You’re so selfish! Just come back and make it better! Please…… Come back. come into my arms. One more time. One more embrace. One more kiss. Just one more goodbye.

I can't do this. I can't do this without you. I need you here. Please. You need to hold my hand through this. PLease.

It's been 10 days. It's not okay I haven't seen you in TEN DAYS. come back already. Mom says you’re gone, But I don't believe her. You can't be gone. It just doesn't make sen

Is this goodbye? I wish It wasn't. PLease don't let me go. I can't let you go. You can't let me go. Not ever. Please, I need you.

I Love You. Underdstand now, You love me and didn't want to hurt me.I will never forget you.

Goodbye, Katsa



-Sebastian



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